Category:

We had a bloody good time

5/9/2014

A little while back I took my youngest to the Putnam Museum in Davenport, Iowa to see the new science center. We had a blast doing a lot of silly cool things like taking silly pictures of ourselves using their thermal imaging camera. Man, I should have been a model...

This photo has been strategically cropped so you can't see my Jabba the Hutt quadruple chin.

But this post isn't about our shenanigans. It's about the visiting exhibit at the Putnam right now. Called CSI: The Experience, it let's you solve three different crimes while learning about various CSI techniques. Think that sounds cool? It because it is. But I have to admit one of my favorite parts is the gift area at the end. It has a bunch of bloodylicious merchandise. In fact, it's so cool I'm going to share some of it with you now.

Did you know most murders involving butcher knives occur in bathrooms? You probably didn't because that fact is a lie -- at least I think it is. Maybe it's true but in this case I just made it up because I couldn't think of a proper segue. Perhaps I should have just said, "Here's some cool bloody bath merchandise," then start by showing you this:

How's this for a "hand" towel?

They had bloody shower curtains and bath mats, too...

Just gives you that welcoming, "come inside and refresh yourself" vibe. Doesn't it?

And what better way to bathe than with bloody shower gel for that fresh-as-a-daisy feeling.

Of course, it wasn't all about the bathroom. Take this adorable lunch box.

Plus this sticky note pad I just had to get.

I also bought some crime scene-inspired barricade tape to inspire me. You see, I've got a couple of projects that just can't seem to get done. Like that alcove I filled with stuff to take to Goodwill three months ago? Still there. EPIC FAIL.

And, yes, you guessed it. Though we've fixed it, that picture is still not on the wall. It's been what, two years now? Another EPIC FAIL.

Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have ended with that. Now I'm feeling kind of depressed. Okay, that's another lie. I'm pretty comfortable with my ineptitude/lazinesss. I just wrote that as another segue to end this post. Thought I needed one. Maybe I don't.

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Signs are helpful!

3/27/2014

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Over the last few weeks I've realized signs can be very helpful. I found the first example while I was helping my son prepare for a boy scout camp out. He was in charge of the food, which meant he had to use the food tub. That's where I learned my first important lesson.

Did you know you shouldn't store babies in large plastic tubs with a lid? I didn't either. But, lo, the vision below spoke otherwise. I wonder if letting my kids sip Windex straight from the bottle had been a bad idea, too? I'll have to check.

Now all those past visits from Child Services are starting to make sense.

I also learned things from signs while visiitng Disney World with my family over Spring Break. Case in point: Despite Disney's cheerful atmosphere, the park frowns on overt partying. These signs were everywhere:

I also finally learned how to properly wash my hands. Scrub hands after applying soap. Thank you, Brawny! (Insert trade mark sign here.)

So THAT'S how it's done!

In all seriousness, I found little commercial sponsorship in the parks. Just look at this street scene below. It's a photo I took while strolling around Disney's Hollywood Studios. You have to look hard but, believe it or not, there's a corporate logo hidden in there. I'll give you a few minutes to find it.

Still haven't found it yet? Don't feel bad. It's hard. I'll give you another minute...

Okay, I'll stop teasing Disney. Truth be told, we had a FABULOUS time. It's one of our favorite places to vacation. We hit Universal Studios, too. It was our first time and we loved it though I had to take Dramamine to keep up with my "intense rides are cool!" 12 year-old son. So when we finally got home, my daughter and I decided to do something soothing to relax. We chose to put a puzzle together. She chose a hard one but, luckily, there was a great picture on the box to help us.

Or so we thought...

"Lost in a Jigsaw," indeed! Seriously, what kind of sick puzzle maker puts an incorrect picture on the box? At least they owned up to it with that warning. Like I said, signs are helpful!

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Miracles do exist

3/7/2014

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While shopping in Target, I was reminded how we live in a new age full of science and technology. That caused me to wonder, do miracles still exist -- you know, the old-school kind? We don't hear about them much anymore.

Well, low and behold, something happened last weekend that re-ignited my faith. My husband actually got rid of The Shirt. You heard me. I'm serious. He really did! Okay, so actually he just committed himself to getting rid of it. Right now it's still in his dresser drawer. The Shirt is right below its replacement-- make that replacements. Yep. He got two. Not only did he buy a new Indiana University shirt but an IU sweatshirt, as well, I think I've been scammed. No, I know I've been scammed. Lucky for him, he got something for me, too:

Can you see it? It's the mother of God in all her glory on a piece of toast! That's right. Miracles DO still exist! Not only that, you can buy them at a novelty store near you. Unfortunately, there is one slight caveat. Just read the fine print at the bottom.

That's right. Only adults can perform miracles. Sorry, kids aged 21 and below.

Anyway, this whole miracle business made me realize it's been awhile since I've hung out with Action Figure Jesus. So I took him to the kitchen and decided to have a little fun playing Sink or Swim. I filled up a bowl of water and tossed him in -- at least that's what I tried to do. But he was on to me from the get-go. Serves me right. Another slam dunk for Action Figure Jesus -- or, rather, a slam no-dunk.

Now that's my kind of miracle. Thank you, Action Figure Jesus! Anyway, now I'm on the look out for miracles. Let me know if you find one.

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Strange things

1/29/2014

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I'm leaving for a girl's trip tomorrow and realized I haven't written in a while. Because I'm already going crazy trying to get ready, I decided to do a speed post. Here it is:

A couple of weeks ago my family took a trip. Along the drive, my son saw a convenience store called "Almost Always Open." This makes perfect sense because keeping a store open 24/7 just seems a little too overachieving, doesn't it? Anyway, my son forgot to take a picture of it, which saddened me to no end. To make up for it, I asked him to take a picture of the next strangely named business he saw. This is what he found:

That's right. If you want a Poopy tattoo, we know just where to send you. And if you're hungry you can eat at their restaurant. My mouth is salivating thinking about all of the Poopy things on their menu. Yum! And while I'm on the bathroom humor trail, allow me to show you the super cool drinks I found at my local food store:

That leads me to ask, what do Bawls taste like? And what's with the "Exxtra" Bawls flavor? Does anyone really need Exxtra Bawls? Okay, I can hear you groaning so I'll stop. Time to move on...

My final photo is, frankly, a little sad. During our family trip the hotel maid made a swan out of towels. Sweet, huh?

Confession: This picture is a recreation. That's why the hind feathers look a little ruffled.

Only the swan, well, ended up taking a swan dive. A that pressure to be beautiful must have been too exhausting.

And that's it. I hope you're having a wonderful start of the year and you're able to keep warm. In Iowa it's freezing!.

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Sounding Off on Toothbrushes

12/5/2013

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So I learned a couple things about myself when I went to the grocery store:

1. I'm resistant change.
2. I'm a hypocrite.

I discovered the first thing when I challenged myself to wear my purse on my left shoulder instead of my normal right. (Yes, I'm always doing things like that to keep me on my toes and, yes, I know it's weird.) Anyway, it didn't work. After ten minutes my untamed left shoulder stopped cooperating. My purse kept "accidentally" falling off though it was no real accident. It just felt too weird so my lazy shoulder just said "no."

As to being a hypocrite, though, no purses or shoulders were involved. It had to do with those sound toothbrushes. You know, the ones that play a song while you brush. I've always thought those things were stupid. And I've said so. A lot. Not that I don't like sound-making devices, In fact, I have one in my corner of love. When pressed, it emits bloodcurdling yet gleeful screams of people riding a roller coaster. I find the strange mix of joy and horror oddly appealing which, I know, could be due to some sort of sick sensibility on my part. As an American, though, I'd rather blame it on someone or something else -- like gratuitous media violence. It's desensitized me. Now I thirst for carnage.

But back to sound toothbrushes. As I casually rolled my shopping cart down the aisle, I saw a bunch of those ridiculous things. Justin Bieber had one (Ugh!), as well as Psy (He's still relevant?) and LFMAO (LFMAO!). Even Lady Gaga had one. I groaned, though she was great on Saturday Night Live, wasn't she? .

Then I saw it. The one. It literally jumped into my cart. I tried to put it back but couldn't.

Originally, the toothbrush was next to a box of Cocoa Puffs and some Cosmic Brownies in my cart. Before I took the picture, I realized it would make me look like one of those moms who just feeds her kids crap, so I placed it next to tomatoes and leafy greens. Don't judge.

And now my magical, rock it 'til you drop it toothbrush has a place of prominence on my bathroom counter.

What can say? Queen gets me every time, plus how can I think badly about devices that promote good dental hygiene? So when it comes to sound toothbrushes, I laugh no more. Unfortunately, my husband still does. Is watching a 46 year-old woman rock out in the bathroom as she brushes her teeth really that funny?

Don't answer that.

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The Garth Game: Mom edition

11/9/2013

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Last night I went to the Establishment Theater in Rock Island, Illinois to watch their Comedy Sportz show. What a blast. In it, two improv teams competed for points and laughs by playing a series of silly games. One competition I immediately loved.

Called "The Garth Game," it's based on a character from a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch about a public-access cable TV show called Wayne's World. Hosted by metal heads Wayne Campbell (Mike Meyers) and Garth Algar (Dana Carvey), the "show" was absolutely hilarious. So in 1992 they made a movie, also called Wayne's World. If you'd like a taste of its awesomeness just click on the video below.

Anyway, in the movie Garth describes a girl by saying, "If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln" (instead of Abraham Lincoln. Get it?) The two Comedy Sportz teams ran with the joke, choosing a famous person and seeing which team could make up the most silly/rhymy references.

It was so much fun to watch I thought I'd try out the game, myself. My subject: None other than June Cleaver, the iconic wear-pearls-while washing-the-dishes mother played by Barbara Billingsley on the old TV show, Leave it to Beaver. Here's what I came up with. (And yes, I know I just dangled a preposition but I don't care, as evidenced by my starting this sentence with the word "and." Plus "rhymy" isn't a real word but I thought it sounded cool so I used it anyway. I'm such a rebel.)

The Garth Game: June Cleaver

"And here's Dad and I back in our biker days..."

If she were a housewife who took bubble baths all day, she'd be Prune Cleaver.

If she was a 300 pound body guard for a mafia crime boss, she'd be Goon Cleaver.

If she lived on a harsh desert planet thousands of years in the future, she'd be Dune Cleaver.

If she had a red butt and lived in the Ape House at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo, she'd be Baboon Cleaver.

If she was an animated character who hung out with Bugs Bunny, she'd be Cartoon Cleaver.

If she were a retired marshal who dealt with a convict returning to town to kill him, she'd be High Noon Cleaver.

If her white blood cells mistakenly attack and destroy healthy body tissue, she'd be Autoimmune Cleaver.

If she was an elementary school piano recital groupie, she'd be Au Clair De La Lune Cleaver.

If she was an astronaut preparing for a mission to outer space while listening to Pink Floyd, she'd be Going to the Dark Side of the Moon Cleaver.

If she sat at the computer creating imaginary theme parks all day, she'd be Roller Coaster Tycoon Cleaver.

If she tried to sign up for government health insurance over the last couple weeks, she'd be I Just Wasted an Afternoon Cleaver.

If she was a fourteen year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, she'd be Oh Lord She is Starting to Swoon Cleaver.

If she shot a video of herself naked on a wrecking ball, she'd be Let's Just Be Done With It and Send Her To Cancun Cleaver.

So how about you? Care to play? I've used up a lot of "June" rhymes but there are still a few of them out there. You can also use her last name (heaver, fever, weaver.) Or just use a different famous mom -- fictional or real. Carol Brady? Marge Simpson? Michelle Obama? Give me what you've got. If that's too much trouble just tell me one of your favorite games -- word, board, card, whatever. I want to hear from you!

Leave it to Beaver Photo credit:

By ABC Television (eBay itemphoto frontphoto back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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More silly things

10/3/2013

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So I've been sitting here staring at this stupid graphic I've created, wondering how I could incorporate it into a post:

My first thought was to take other movie titles and replace one of the words with another grammar term. But you know what? That's kind of hard and I'm kind of lazy so I'm showing you some of my pictures, instead.

Like this backpack I saw at Great America. I thought it was cute. My kids agreed until they realized I actually thought about buying one. Then words like "immaturity," "acting your age," and "embarrassed to be related to you" were said, making me feel bad. I should never have never spoken to them that way.

Here's one I snapped in Seaside, Oregon. If you ever need photographic evidence on why folks in these United States constantly struggle with obesity, I give you permission to use this:

And for evidence on how far back the fascination with breast enhancement goes, I submit this old ad for your perusal:

Okay, that's it for now. I promise I'll write something more substantial next time -- not because I want to but because I'm running out of photos. Until then, have a great week!

Original Rebel Without a Cause photo credit:

By Trailer screenshot (Rebel Without a Cause trailer) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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Silly tidbits

9/19/2013

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Here's the thing: I really need to get crackalackin' on the sequel to Extraordinary: Light vs. Dark, so I'm only allowing myself fifteen minutes to write this post. Therefore, it will just be a series of tidbits which will, most likely, have typos. Are you ready? Buckle up. Let's go!

First off, I want to thank Facebook for cropping the photo for my latest post about female empowerment. Here's what it looked like:

Um, yeah. Way to zero in on the goods. Oh, the humanity! Girl power, indeed.

Next topic: This morning my youngest offspring called me a terrible mom for stealing a marshmallow from his bowl of Lucky Charms. How'd I respond? By saying I'm awesome because I gave him a bowl of Lucky Charms instead of Bran Bricks. Complain again and crap cereal will be taken off the breakfast menu.

Moving on... To inspire me on the whole Extraordinary sequel, I bought a pair of glow-in-the-dark LED earrings. I debuted them at the high school's homecoming game, turning them on at half-time, and instantly felt like a moron. Nothing like a 15 year-old giving you the stink eye. I turned them off less than a minute later but did wear them the next night at the riverfront pops concert. It featured the music of Michael Jackson and the earrings blended right in since half of my friends wore silly light up fedoras. I have a photo of them but I'm not going to post it -- not because I 'm a good friend but because the photo came out blurry. Their egos were saved not by my sweet sensibilities but, rather, my ineptitude. By the way, in the dark I looked like an alien.

Take me to your leader...or the King of Pop.

But, you know, sometimes I've just gotta be me. In fact the message on the flask below, which I chanced upon while shopping, crystallizes my thoughts perfectly. Of course, I didn't buy the flask. I might have if I'd needed it. But my life is perfect, with beautiful children who not only fill my life with constant joy but also never complain at the breakfast table.

Anyway, my fifteen minutes are up. I'll end with with some business:

Click here if you want to read an interview I gave at TheWriteChris. (Thanks, Chris!)

Click here to see an awesome review I got on Book End Babes. (Thanks, Babes!)

Okay, those links took me two extra minutes. Gotta go. Ciao for now!

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Freaky things

8/13/2013

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Okay, my mind was just blown by something my critique partner and fellow Doctor Who enthusiast, Susan Carroll, revealed to me today. Seriously. It freaked me out so much it compelled me to write this post. I still can't believe it.

But before I share this mind-blowing thing with you, I must freak you out visually. Here are some photos of dolls I saw I recently saw at a thrift store. You think my doll face is creepy? Well, look at these and weep. Seriously. Some are scary enough to make you cry.

Pleasant dreams? I think not!

proof that some dolls do meth

I'm too scared to ask what this one is looking at...

I don't know what to say. Just speechless...

Okay, now I am done. It's time to freak out your mind. If you're not into Doctor Who, just stop now. If you are though, read on.

Peter Capaldi, who was recently tapped as the next Doctor Who, is in the zombie film World War Z which is playing in theaters now. He plays a doctor for the World Health Organization. You heard me. The World Health Organization. WHO. He plays a doctor for WHO.

Doctor Who!

And the film was shot long before the decision was made to cast him. Oh. My. God. That blows my mind.

Freaky, huh? I don't know what to say from here so I'll justend with something I made for The Thick of It fans. Sorry to be such a potty mouth but...well, you know. ;)

Original photo courtesy of Hilary Perkins from London, UK (Ooh. Cheeky.)

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BAcon insanity

8/4/2013

22 Comments

I love bacon, so much so I even wrote a post on the Bacon Game, Mom Style. But I think this whole bacon craze may have gotten a little out of hand -- something I never thought I'd say. You see, this weekend we ate at a restaurant with a cute little shop at the front ... and horrors within -- bacon horrors. Okay, so some of it was cute, but using the word "horrors" kind of heightens the drama and I want you to read on.

Below you'll find a sample of bacon-themed items available for purchase. Remember, I'm just the messenger. I don't endorse these things, I'm just reporting them. We'll start with food items first...

Sizzlin' bacon flavored sunflower seeds, anyone? Don't worry about me. I'll pass.

Or how about some bacon-flavored popcorn? It's a great thing to munch on while watching the movie, Babe.

If you've got a sweet tooth there's gummy bacon -- strawberry-flavored, thank goodness.

If you get a boo boo bacon bandages will save the day. (Strangely, this one seems to make sense to me.

And if you're hankerin' for something fun to do with friends there's the game Makin' Bacon. It's fun for the whole artery-clogged family!

What could be more appetizing than wrapping your can of pop in bacon? Thank you, bacon cozy!

Wrapping bacon around your finger is awfully nice, too, though this ring looks kind of sad.

Of course, no Christmas tree is complete without a hand-blown glass bacon ornament. Classy.

And finally, something I never dreamed I'd see: a bacon-scented Yankee Candle. Really? I smelled it, of course. It made me wretch but -- to be fair -- everyone else around me thought it smelled delicious.

Thus ends my bacon pictorial. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to laugh...and fry up some bacon. For some reason I'm hungry right now. I wonder what that's about...

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