Category: Losers

Celebrity Losers 2013...kind of

1/15/2014

I’ll admit I’ve been remiss. Right after New Year’s I usually write a post about celebrity losers from the past year. So far I haven’t done it. Sure, I’ve got my list compiled. There's Toronto mayor, Rob Ford (“Have I tried crack cocaine? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”), Amanda Bynes (poster child for the “Say No to Deranged, Topless Selfies” campaign), Justin Bieber (monkeys...Brazilian hookers...Ann Frank..and now some egging scandal? Doesn't anyone tell him "no"?), Real Housewives of New Jersey star Theresa Guidice (cheater, cheater, mortgage eater!) as well as Anthony Weiner (“Carlos Danger” – seriously?). I don’t even want to mention the biggest loser in my eyes because she’s gotten so much press already. All I'll say is if "naked on a wrecking ball licking a hammer" is the new definition of “marketing genius" then I’m throwing my dictionary away.

Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:

Holy Pam Anderson! Chicken breasts are now so big they’re starting to sell them in 2-packs instead of 3-packs. These are one pound each! I can't imagine what they’re pumping into chickens now. Shudder.

The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.

I got a toilet.

Okay, it’s a cute, little toilet filled with Tootsie Rolls (Now that’s marketing genius!) but I didn’t end up with what I really wanted. What I wanted was vintage. It was chic. It was fabulous.

It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.

Okay, I’m kidding…or am I? After we lit the candle, someone looked it up on Ebay to see what it might be worth. The answer: $30 – unlit of course. We all felt like losers then.

So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit over an innocuous skit on Jimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen and Duck Dynasty’s Phil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec.

So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up.

Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.

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Celebrity Losers of 2012

1/4/2013

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I was all prepared to write a snarky post about the losers of 2012 then I had a change of heart. There was so much real tragedy last year. And plain silliness, as well. Still, screwy people need our support, not silly comments that just make the situation worse. So this year I give you Mom's Prayers for the Misguided. Okay, there might be some snark. Remember, I'm not perfect.

For Kristen Stewart: Cheating on R-Patz? What was she thinking? Messing around just isn't cool. It makes SO much sense that she got most of the scorn instead of her partner in crime, Rupert Sanders. She was young and dating a really cool guy while Sanders was only twice her age, married with kids, and in a power position as her boss. It's clear that she was way more of a skizz than him. And by "clear" I mean "totally not." When it comes to future cases of cheating in Hollywood, I pray for equal blame. Guys get off too easily. That sucks and needs to change.

For John Travolta's hair: May the Christmas tree flocking industry partner work harder with his spray on hair source so his mane of puffy paint can look fuller and more lustrous. Come on Johnny, we love you with or without the hair. It's the press on-felt wig that creeps us out. (Strangely, I couldn't find a free photo of him in his current hair condition. To see it, you will have to click here. But I won't provide a link to Miley Cyrus' new cut. It's just too scary. May she regain her senses.)

For Honey Boo Boo: May her "Go-Go Juice" of Mountain Dew and Red Bull magically transform into milk with a V8 V-Fusion chaser. And may she never be found saying "a dollar make me holler" on the corner of Easy Street and Lost Souls Avenue at 2 AM. I don't want to redneckognize her name in any police reports ten years from now.

While I'm on the younger set, may the spirit of dignity and wise choices guide the future of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick's kids. That goes double for Snooki's child, which is in no way affiliated with Beyonce's old band Destiny's Child, except for Snooki calling her kid's baby shoes "bootylicious."

For Clint Eastwood and that empty chair of his at the Republican National Convention. May Mr. Eastwood make at least one more incredible movie before senility totally consumes him. As for the chair, maybe a nice rub down with Pledge furniture polish? It deserves something for dealing with the humiliation. No chair should have to go through that.

For all of those involved in the Cruise-Holmes breakup -- Tom, Katie and little Suri. It's great to see the Stepford wife look disappear from Katie's eyes. Still, I know family break ups can be hard. May Tom and Katie make this work to minimize the hurt. I'd hate for Suri to lose focus on her burn book.

For Lance Armstrong: I get that he was tired of fending off the accusations that he used performance enhancing drugs. Yet from the evidence it was clear he did it, even though everyone else did it, too. May we all remember that even when all the cool kids are doing it that doesn't make it right. May Lance own up, square his shoulders, then focus his efforts on what really matters: his cancer foundation, Livestrong.

Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't keep Lindsay Lohan in my thoughts. I know 2012 wasn't quite the comeback year that she had hoped for. Instead, it ended up being more like 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011. But that's okay. A new year is here. That means another chance. I sincerely hope she finds her way this time. Seriously. Watching young stars spiral downward to the tabloid's glee of the tabloids and sick fascination of the world makes me sad. Just plain sad.

And that's it. Did I miss anyone? Is there someone you think could use a little extra positive energy this year? Let me know. I'll make sure to light a candle for them. In the end, couldn't we all use a bump?

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2011's celebrity losers

12/28/2011

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J.R. Martinez, Adele, Pippa Middleton’s butt -- there were many shining stars in 2011. But for every hyper giant there was a white dwarf that collapsed, creating a black hole of misery for all. Yes, my dears, I’m talking about the Celebrity Losers of 2011. Below are the people Mom is very disappointed in this year:

Let's begin with the group awards. The first Group of Losers award goes to...

Yes, Kim. Shocking choice.

The Kardashians
I can’t tell you just how sick I am of the ridiculousness that is this family and Kim’s failed nuptials takes the ($20,000 wedding) cake. Sure, I’ve seen her tears and heard the whole ‘fool for love’argument, but I’m just not buying it. Could it be the fact that the primary news organization feeding us all this crap happens to be the same one that owns the show? Or maybe it’s the fact that Kim wants to keep the 20.5 karat diamond engagement ring Kris gave her ‘for sentimental reasons.’ Then, of course, is Kris Jenner’s admission that Kim made no money off the wedding. Really? Because for 72 days all we heard
about was the $14.5 million she made and no one said a word. It wasn’t until AFTER the divorce backlash hit that she told us the ‘truth.’ Sorry, that sounds more like damage control to me. For all of you Kardashian lovers out there, please know I think Kris Humphries is a jerk. No love is lost on him, either.

The second Group of Losers award goes to...

The cast of Jersey Shore a.k.a. America’s Biggest Embarrassment. How are they not all on Valtrex by now? The worst ones this season are no surprise: Mike Sorrentino (The Situation), who proved to be an even bigger tool than before. I’d go into detail if I had a bucket of anti-bacterial gel to dunk my hands into after I type, but I don’t. I will say that smashing his own face into a wall was pretty funny….and loser appropriate. As for Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki? Ditto on the antibacterial thing. If I hear the word ‘cuca’one more time I’m going to barf. And telling a priest to "Shut up, a**hole," when he asks her to cover up her body while walking past his church shows just how much class she really has. This entire show is one huge petri dish. It just makes me cringe.

Individual Awards go to....

Charlie Sheen Winning the award as funniest (and scariest) star implosion has got to go to Charlie. With phrases like ‘Duh! Winnning!’ ‘tiger’s blood,’ and ‘Adonis DNA’ he was personally responsible for adding at least a dozen new sayings into the American Lexicon. His infamous rants on the radio, which included making fun of his then boss, Chuck Lorre (not smart) lost him his $1.25 million per episode gig on Two and a Half Men. His one man tour, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option Show, bombed with many booing him off the stage and demanding refunds.

Oh, come on, Lindsay Lohan. Again? She’s been on the loser list for so long now, I fear she’ll end up doing an Amy Winehouse. When your biggest gig for the year is posing nude for Playboy, that isn’t a good sign. Jail time, alleged necklace stealing, and WAY too much partying -- this girl is an absolute train wreck. The days of The Parent Trap and Mean Girls are long gone. Sad.

But he's still cute. No fair.

Ashton Kutcher Things were really looking up when he landed the Two and a Half Men gig. Too bad he couldn’t keep his pee pee in his pants. Cheating on wife Demi Moore? Shame on him! Of course, after the news broke the show’s ratings rocketed. What is wrong with us as a country? Argh!

At least he’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger. The jerk not only had an affair with the family’s housekeeper, he had a secret love child with her that he kept secret for fourteen years while the maid still worked for his family. When the child started looking too much like him, his wife, Maria Shriver, started asking questions. That must have been a horrifying discovery -- Maria went to the boy’s christening, all the while thinking it was her maid's husband’s son. Arnold is officially terminated in my book.

Taylor Armstrong (a.k.a. Shana Hughes, Shana Taylor, Taylor Ford, Taylor Ford-Armstrong, and Liar Liar Pants on Fire) It’s hard to feel sorry for this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star, despite her supposedly abusive husband’s suicide in August. She’s a narcissistic con artist with more bogus business dealings than aliases. Can you trust anything she says? She tried to pass herself off as an heir to the Ford Motor Company, for cripes sake! Did I mention she’s a horrible mom, too? Grrr.

At least he's acting classy here.

Chris Brown I know, I know. All that business about him beating then girlfriend Rihanna took place a while ago. I’ve got to say, With some things it’s hard to say 'bygones will be bygones.’ That’s especially true after his stint on Good Morning America back in March. After Robin Robert’s asked him about his past misdeeds, he trashed his dressing room and broke a window with a chair. Way to be a man about it, Chris.

As for a celebrity by association, who can forget Mariah Yeter, the girl who claimed Justin Bieber was her baby daddy. The twenty year-old recanted after Bieber said, “No prob. I’ll just take a DNA test.” The realization that, if her claim had been true, she could have been prosecuted for statutory rape might have also factored into it. Kudos to the Biebs for keeping a cool head and handling the situation with class.

And even though he’s not technically a celebrity, it’s hard for me not to mention Congressman Anthony Weiner tweeting his…well…wiener to a Seattle college student earlier this year. Admitting inappropriate electronic relationship with six women over three years, this guy was a total putz and a boon for comics across the nation.

And there you have it, my top pics for 2011's biggest celebrity losers. Have I missed anyone? Let me know!

All photos from wikimedia except Weiner's (public domain).

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Time for Botox, baby!

5/16/2011

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Insert 'Like a Virgin' joke here.

Ugh. Sometimes a news story just makes me wanna hurl. Take Kerry Campbell from San Francisco, CA. Her eight year-old daughter, Britney, complained about ‘wrinkles’ on her face so she did the obvious: She gave her daughter Botox treatments. After all, nothing says maternal love like injecting your child’s face with toxins, right?

Kerry got the idea from her fellow pageant show moms. That’s right. Britney participates in those kiddie beauty pageants I just love to bits. Doesn’t your heart just warm when you watch a youngster strut her stuff in metallic gold cone bra? Mine, too.

Still, I couldn’t believe the whole Botox thing. What kind of mom would put her kid through that? I mean, come on! Why didn't she act sooner? That way her daughter would never have had to deal with the self-esteem issues she’s experiencing now.

Case in point, the baby below:

Dang! My fingers look like sausages!

She's adorable, right? Still, those chubby cheeks should really go, especially if she wants to attract that cute eighteen month-old boy who plays on the other side of the sandbox. Sure, she could dangle a bright red shovel his way in the hopes of getting him to toddle over, but that would look too forward. I say cheek bone implants and lip fillers to start, followed by false eyelashes and hair extensions. With looks on her side, her life will be easy. Screw personality development!

Everyone knows that if you’re not perfect, you’re not worthy of attention. That whole ‘beauty comes from the inside’ bit? Just a load of crap to make ugly people feel better. It’s a mom’s job to make sure kids don’t have to deal with that kind of angst. Best to nip it in the bud.

Okay, okay. I’ll cut the sarcasm. This whole Botox story is both ridiculous and sad. Those awful ‘lines’ on Britney’s face? They look like dimples to me. Cute, little girl dimples.

When I was young I wanted to be perfect. I would sit in front of the mirror and examine my face, thinking, ‘if only my eyes were a little bigger,’ ‘if only my forehead were a little higher,’ etc., etc., etc. Finally, I wised up. I decided to stop defining myself by my flaws and focus on assets. It was a life-affirming moment for me. Very empowering, too.

For anyone who wishes they were more beautiful than they are right now, I’ve got an easy solution: SMILE. The best smiles always come from within. They come from knowing and (still) loving yourself.

Embrace what’s good. Celebrate what’s great. Others will see it, too. Beauty really does come from within. You just have to let it show.

Cone bra photo credit

Cute baby in dots photo credit

Baby looking at hand photo credit

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Mom puts the 'X' in Xbox

1/13/2011

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New weapon of choice?

Did you hear the wonderful news? A 36 year-old mom of three, posing as a 23 year-old, recently seduced a 13 year-old boy. And how’d she do it? Through Xbox Live.

That’s right.

A mom turned her Xbox into an XXXbox.

She started by live chatting with him, moved on to phone calls, etc. etc., then made a visit to his home while his parents were asleep. You can guess what happened next. If you can’t, don’t ask me because I’m just too sick to explain. I hate it when moms turns to the dark side.

So how do we keep this from reoccurring? Simple: No more Xbox Live.

That’s right. Get rid of it. Ban it. Close the whole shebang down right now. If we don’t it could happen again, right?

You know, having kids and internet access under the same roof isn’t always easy for a parent. Take my nine year-old son. He lives and breathes roller coasters. Last week he found a super cool, family-friendly website where he could download computer-simulated coasters he’d created, share them, as well as view and comment on other people’s coaster creations. How fun! To download coasters he had to join the site. He asked me if he could, I checked the whole thing out, saw it was fine, and said, 'yes.'

A few days later he got his first comment on one of his roller coasters. He couldn’t wait to read it. Then he did. Oh, boy….

I won’t go into details, but the message ended with the commenter calling my sweet, loving boy something that begins with an ‘F.’ It wasn’t ‘friend.’

When my son showed me the comment, I hit the roof. What kind of website was this? How could comments like this be allowed? I was one inch shy of pulling the plug on my son’s membership right then and there.

Then I thought about it. The problem didn't stem from the site.The problem stemmed from the kid who commented.

With my son at my side, I shot an email to the site’s administration and explained the situation. They immediately shot back an apology, saying the comment - which they deleted - somehow slipped through. The commenter? Penalized. They also said a feature allowing users to instantly report comments would be instituted ASAP.

Justice in action. Sweet.

Looking back on it, I’m glad I didn’t just rip my son off the computer and cancel his membership. Instead, he learned a far more valuable lesson -- and skill. As he gets older it’ll be harder and harder to shield him from the a-holes of the world. I can, however, show him how to deal with a-holes when he meets them. I have to say, he took no small pleasure when the commenter got the equivalent of an internet spanking. I also have a feeling he’ll think twice should he ever feel inclined to make a similar comment to someone later on down the road.

So I’ve changed my mind. We don’t have to get rid of Xbox Live, we just have to get rid of moms on Xbox Live. Let’s face it, it’s unnatural, and I'm too lazy to make a Chat Room Dream Date from Hell: Mom Version.

But seriously, folks, no matter how friendly or safe something may be -- a roller coaster site, Xbox Live, the Starbucks on the corner -- there's always the risk of encountering jerks or flat out scary people.Know how to deal with them. Report them if need be. Sooner than later you'll be on your own and life will only be as safe as you make it.

So be smart, be aware and, while I have you, don't be a potty mouth. It might get you into trouble when you least expect it.

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Celebrity Losers 2013...kind of

Celebrity Losers of 2012

2011's celebrity losers

Time for Botox, baby!

Mom puts the 'X' in Xbox

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