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Dear Make-Believe Mom

4/29/2010

1 Comment

 
Coming up with ideas for blog posts can be a difficult task, so I’m taking a break to address a few pretend letters from three non-existent girls who’ve asked for advice. Like my Why Does She DO That? page, this post comes with the following:
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WARNING: CONTAINS PREACHY CONTENT
May be unsuitable for viewers who aren’t in the mood

With that being said, allow me to present…


DEAR MAKE-BELIEVE MOM

Dear Mom,
It’s hard to explain. I mean, I don’t go out a ton, but I do have friends. Still, sometimes I just feel so alone, like I don’t fit in. What should I do? - The Only Lonely

Dear Lonely,
Rejoice! Yes, you heard me. Why? Because it means you’re normal. If you didn’t feel that way you’d be a freak. Seriously. No one feels 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time unless they’re on heavy medication -- and that’s a whole other issue entirely. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: What about that girl in math class, the one with the coolest clothes, coolest friends, etc.?  She never feels that way, right? Wrong. Just don’t ask her to admit it unless you want her to give you the stink eye.  Even still, what if she did think she was all that and a bag of Cheetos 24/7? Talk about a major head case. Nope, I’d rather be you.  People who know what it’s like to feel awkward are usually nicer and make better friends. My bet is you’re one cool, compassionate chick. So don’t be sad, be GLAD (insert something snarky about garbage bags here.) You’re a better person for it.


Dear Mom,
I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and he’s been pressuring me to play Monopoly. Thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready. What should I do?  - Not Quite Ready to Play

Dear Not Quite Ready,
Wow, Monopoly. I can see why you’re scared. The game takes so long to set up, yet you have no guarantee your boyfriend will keep playing after just a few turns. If he does keep going, it can be hard to tell if the only reason he’s doing it is so he can hit ‘GO’ and collect $200 all the time. Then, by the time you figure that out you’ve got so much invested in the game you feel you have to keep playing even when you want to stop. ARGH! The social repercussions can be devastating, too. All it takes is for one person to find out and, before you know it, the whole world is snickering about your  ‘Community Chest.’  Tragic.  Plus, there’s always ‘Chance.’ Pick the wrong card and the game’s over, just like that. Talk about a messy clean up –- there are so many pieces!  -- and, more than likely, you’re boyfriend won’t lift a finger to help.

My advice? Don’t roll the dice. Stick to simpler games until you want, and can afford, to buy Boardwalk and put a house on it.  Trust me, your life will be happier and much more care-free. 


Dear Mom,
I’m sixteen years old and wear a size 11 shoe. I feel like a circus clown. Any suggestions on how I can blend?   - Bigfoot in Smallsville

Dear Bigfoot,
Now I’ve been pretty straight forward with advice so far, so I know you’re expecting something like, “Size 11 shoe? No big deal. I bet no one really notices,” or “Accentuate the positive! I bet you can clog dance louder and squash bugs better than anyone else around!” Truth is, I’m sure you look like a total freak and, as a teenager, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Conformity is king. So the solution is simple: remove your toes with a hacksaw. I know it sounds painful, but not as painful as the total humiliation you must be going through.  I mean, I still remember the day I had to break off my friendship with a good buddy once I noticed her knees looked a little too much like russet potatoes.  Sure, you’ll have trouble walking and wearing flip flops will be a thing of the past, but now you’ll be able to really rock a pair of Uggs. Totally worth it. Just ask your parents first. Doctor bills and physical therapy will play heavily in your future.


Well, that’s it for now. If you have any questions of your own, just send me an e via the handy dandy ‘Contact Me’ tab and I might just answer it. Yep, that’s right. I’m cool that way.

 TTYL,
Mom
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Top Ten Most Iconic Teen Movies of the 1980s

4/22/2010

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Ahhh. The 1980s. They gave us three major inventions we still treasure today: 

1. the cell phone
2. the personal computer
3. the ‘coming of age’ teen movie

Now stop it. I saw that face. Don't you dare scoff at #3. Sure, I admit the other two were a bit more monumental and, yes, there were a couple of teen flicks before the Eighties. But in the 1980s, teen angst transformed filmmaking. I kid you not.  

As someone who grew up during that time, I had to ask myself, “Self, what are the most iconic teen movies of the 1980s?” But this question proved too big to be answered by one woman. I needed guidance -- guidance from others of my generation. So I slapped together an internet poll and asked those who were teens in the eighties to step forward and vote. Over (the square root of) 2500 people participated, each of the selecting their top three picks for “the most iconic 1980s teen flick.” The key word was ‘iconic,’ a.k.a. representative of the eighties, which means they weren’t asked to pick their favorites. E.T. and Raiders of the Lost Ark had to take a hike. Still, I gotta say, all of these movies are frickin’ cool. Dare I say ‘rad’ or ‘wicked?’

So now you’re wondering, why is this important to you? Because your mom more than likely spent a few of her teenaged years in the Eighties. To fully know the beast, you must understand it. Watch these movies and you’ll get a taste of what it was like while she was growing up. Kind of. I mean, come on, these are movies. But still, you get the idea.

So with that being said, allow me to present…

The Top Ten Most “Iconic” Teen Flicks of the 1980s:
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#10: Better Off Dead (PG)
Of course we should start this list off with the king of the 1980s teen movie, John Cusak. He ruled the screen as the adolescent everyman unlucky in love. In this case, when his girlfriend dumps him for a more popular A-hole, he thinks he’s ‘better off dead’ – until he comes up with a ridiculous plan to win her back. Teen angst has never been so hilarious.

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#9: Say Anything (PG-13)
Yep. Another John Cusak film, though with a little less funny and a little more feeling. This time, he falls for the school’s sweet, rich and beautiful valedictorian, and her dad’s not too happy about it. Her dad, however, is also a crook. This movie inspired legions of boys to one day, possibly, if they ever had the guts, stand outside a girl’s window with a boom box over their head and blare a romantic song.  Classic.

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#8: Dirty Dancing (PG-13)
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” You said it, Patrick. Though set in the sixties, this drama earns iconic eighties status on its beautifully depicted struggle toward adulthood – and awesome dance scenes. Featuring Jennifer Grey as a privileged teenager on a long summer vacation and Patrick Swayze as her dance instructor from the ‘other side of the tracks,’ this movie has a whole lotta dancing and even more heart as she rebels against the world as taught by her father. Moving stuff (pun intended).

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#7: Pretty in Pink (PG-13)
Okay, you’ve met the king of eighties teen flicks. Now it’s time to meet the queen, Molly Ringwald. She plays a poor girl trying to date a rich guy, and both of their social circles aren’t too happy about it. This movie gives a great glimpse of the 1980s high school cliques – not just their mindsets but their tragic fashion sense, too.

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#6: Back to the Future (PG)
Who knew you could learn so much about the 1980s from a movie mostly set in the 1950s? That’s the genius of this time-travelling tale. Michael J. Fox, an Eighties icon all his own, plays teenager Marty McFly, who stumbles back to the Fifties only to be hit on by his own mom. Now, before he can get back home, he’s got to get his parents together first, forcing him to deal with their own teen issues. If he fails, he won’t be born. How’s that for inspiration?

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#5: Sixteen Candles (PG-13)
Molly Ringwald strikes again. In this comedy, her parents get so caught up in her sister’s wedding they forget her sixteenth birthday. More misery is added when she not only has a crush on the most popular guy in school, but the geekiest one has a crush on her. Add some crazy grandparents, a goofy foreign exchange student, and an over-the-top party, and you’ve got one hilarious movie. 

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#4: Risky Business (well-earned R)
This film is not only iconic, but also features one of the most knocked-off scenes in movie history: Tom Cruise dancing to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll" in his undies. When his character’s parents leave for the weekend, he decides to let loose a little. When a call girl enters the picture, it doesn’t take long for things to get waaaaay out of control, putting everything he cares about into jeopardy.

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#3: Fast Times at Ridgemont High (pretty well-earned R)
Duuuuude! Though this film focuses on teenagers looking for love in southern California, stoner Jeff Spicoli (played by Sean Penn) steals the show as a stoned-out surfer dude in constant battle with Mr. Hand, a high school teacher convinced that every kid is on drugs. Hysterical.

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#2: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (PG-13)
You can’t help but love Matthew Broderick as the high school student who cuts class with style. On this particularly glorious day, he takes his perennially morose best friend and knock-out girlfriend to Chicago for day they’ll never forget. All the while, his furious sister and suspicious principal do their best to foil his plans. Not just a great teen movie, but a great movie, period.

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#1: The Breakfast Club (R for some well-placed f-bombs)
Number One? There could really be no other. Just look at the premise alone: Five high school students from five different cliques spend an entire Saturday in school detention only to discover they have more in common than they realize. The cast of characters? Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Esteviz, Ally Sheedy, and Judd Nelson. Those names might not mean much to you, but to my generation they were part of the “Brat Pack,” a group of young actors who dominated teen movies. This movie is classic 1980s – the good, bad and ugly. Plus the soundtrack is still way cool.

____________

So there you have it, the Eighties wrapped up in a bow. If you have a spare moment, watch a flick or two. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll have a cow. And you might understand your mom just a little bit more...maybe.


Photo credits:
All movie posters found at http://www.imdb.com

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How to Maintain a Boyfriend

4/15/2010

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Boys.

Why are they so dang confusing? Add the word ‘friend’ and things really turn into a mess.

As a young woman, I realize the rules of dating can be hard to figure out. With that in mind, I’ve compiled some tips to help you navigate those treacherous waters.

So grab a notebook, sharpen that pencil, and prepare to be enlightened as I give you…
Mom’s Maintenance Tips: Boyfriend Edition
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First off, make sure you tell him you love him right away. Sprinkling the word ‘marriage’ into the conversation helps, too. Guys don’t want to be kept guessing, plus they’re hungry for deep, committed relationships. Starting out slow can end in disaster.

Monopolize his time. As you know, dating is a full-time job. There's no need for him to hang with his guy friends any more. That goes for you and your friends, too. Now, now. Don’t worry. They'll all understand. Not only that, once your relationship is over they’ll be eager to continue your friendship right where it left off. No hard feelings at all. Promise. 

Okay, I realize there will be times when the two of you can’t be together. We all need potty breaks, after all. When that occurs, it is important for you to call or text him constantly. Clingy is cool, plus all boyfriends crave a play-by-play of their girlfriend’s activities. Remember: how many eyebrow hairs you've plucked + the number of blank pages left in your science notebook = fascinating!!!

Make sure to use baby talk/kissy noises whenever possible -- the more public the place the better. Boys love to hear it as well as participate, particularly when around their friends.  Cute pet names, like Hugmuffin, Snookems, or anything ending in ‘poo’ (Snugglepoo, Pookiepoo, Runnypoo- you get the idea) is best. 

While we’re on the topic of his friends, make sure to tell them all of the sweet, romantic things your boyfriend does for you when the two of you are alone. You may think that the tips of his ears are red from embarrassment but, no, it’s pride.

Never forget that dating is a competition. Therefore, it’s important to update your boyfriend on all of the nice things your friends’ boyfriends are doing for them, particularly if it involves money and/or gifts. If you don’t, he might look like a loser. Then you’ll look like a loser and…well, you know where I’m going with this.

Lastly, that whole business about ‘just being yourself?’ As if. For your relationship to be a success, you must pretend to like everything he likes. So keep that channel on ESPN, cheer him on during World of War Craft. It may not be fun but you have a boyfriend and, in the end, that’s all that matters. 

                             ________________________

Well there you have it – the extent of all my knowledge and wisdom. Yes, I know it makes having a boyfriend seem like a lot of work but, HELLO, it is. Your upgrade in social status makes it worth it. You might even make your friends jealous – bonus!

So here's wishing you luck and happiness. Okay, so maybe not happiness, but luck -- lots and lots of luck. And if you follow my tips, trust me, you’ll need it.


Photo credit:
 http://www.flickr.com/photos/spacecowgirl/3426337026/
 

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Teen TV Dramas

4/8/2010

5 Comments

 
This week's focus is on…

Teen TV Dramas: Just Like Your Life, Only Way Cooler

First of all, let me say I’m impressed. When I decided to delve into the serious, thought-provoking area of teenage dramas on TV, I have to admit I was skeptical. Maybe it had something to do with my past addiction with the premier teen drama, Beverly Hills, 90210. No, not the wannabe knock-off but the original. You know, where the collective high school cast’s average age was thirty-seven? Well, anyway, I didn’t think anything could come closer to real teen situations and angst than that.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Take Gossip Girl. It’s ‘teen’ cast has a much younger average age of 24 years-old. Much more plausible. And the plot lines? Just look at the first season alone – teenage girls are always sabotaging fashion shows and kissing the wrong guys at masquerade balls. As for boys? We know they open strip clubs ALL THE TIME.
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Worried about a kidnapping plot or her history final?
Okay, okay. So those people are super-rich. Things like that could happen. Let’s look at a show that’s more ‘of the people,’ instead. Take The Secret Life of the American Teenager. These kids are more like it. Each and every one is obsessed with the only thing that matters in the real world: boinking. School, extra-curriculars, going out to the movies – things like that don’t matter. Just be careful, though. When you boink for the first time, your father will probably die in a plane crash. I mean it. Pregnancy, STDs, self-loathing or social humiliation? Don't worry about those.

HAVE SEX AND YOUR DAD WILL DIE.
Take that as a warning.  

Anyway, given this realistic change in programming, you might wonder if you belong in a teenage drama. My answer is a definite ‘maybe.’ With TV mirroring teen life so well, it’s really hard to tell. That is, until now. 

Below you’ll find a scene that could take place at any lunch table across America. Just follow along until you have a dialogue choice. If you find your typical conversations lean more toward choice #2 than #1, then I’d start taking theater classes. After all, you’ll be an adult before you know it and, thereby, able to play a teenager on TV. 

Here it is:
            __________________________

Tina: Lori, you look so tired. You’re not still (texting/conducting satanic rituals) with Sam all night?

Lori: No. I’ve had to start (working at Burger King/pole dancing) after school to pay for my (IPod song/crack cocaine) addiction. It’s wiping me out!

Tina: That sucks. But, hey, I’ve got an idea!  Emily’s mom is looking for someone to (mow their lawn/lie for them in a court case). Emily can’t do it because she’s (too busy with cross-country practice/flying to Paris for a fashion photo shoot). I hear the money’s pretty good.

Lori: Jeez. Normally I’d say yes, but last week I went to Emily’s and caught her parents (kissing/conducting animal experiments) in the kitchen. I’m too embarrassed to go back.

Tina: No way. Hey, isn’t her dad (coaching her little brother’s soccer team/a transvestite)?

Lori: He was until (John’s dad took over/his parole officer found out).

Tina: What about Emily’s older brother? He’s only a high-school junior, but I hear he (already applied to two colleges/is dating our science teacher).

Lori: Seriously? I thought he (wants to go to State/is part of a high-tech smuggling ring). Hey, here comes Emily now. Let’s ask. Just make sure not to say anything about (the huge pimple on her forehead/her evil twin’s diabolical plan).

            ____________________________ 

So tell me, does one sound more familiar than the other?

Thought so.

You’d better head over to the drama department now.
Hollywood is calling.


Photo credit:  http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/Pl2hB7lw-aoAYHmJC7lVsw

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Through the Ages: Fashion

4/1/2010

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Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
- Oscar Wilde 


And how.

Not that we realize it at the time, though. How else can you explain our continued, though seriously waning, dedication to Crocs? Through the ages, women have been willingly brain-washed into wearing a variety of en vogue fashions, however beautiful or fugly they are. This blog is dedicated in memory of them.


Now before I begin, I must explain to you that although I’ve received a bit of help compiling the following facts, I still feel as though I have yet to fully explore and understand all that fashion offered us over the years. So if your grandma or much-younger-and-cooler-than-your-mother aunt read this and feel I’ve left something important out, contact me and I’ll update this post to make up for my gross negligence.

With that said, I introduce you to:


THROUGH THE AGES: FASHION
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The 1920s
Okay, so teenagers didn’t really wear these. They wore what most kids did  --  the clothes their mothers made for them. No, not ALL their clothes, but fashions were primarily dictated by what people could make with a Singer sewing machine and a yard or two of fabric. For girls, that meant dresses, skirts and blouses, all simple in construction. But then the flapper dress entered the picture.  Yep, that straight-up-and-down mini-dress you see in old movies where people are dancing the Charleston. In 1926, this dress was not only easy to sew, but fashionable. Suddenly, the ability to be stylish wasn’t relegated to the rich.  All a woman had to do was whip up the dress, cut her hair short and sleek, then smash her b00bs down so they were as flat as a plasma screen TV. That’s right. You heard me -tatas were OUT.  I knew I was born in the wrong decade. Thus the beginning of fashion for the masses, though there were a few bumps along the way…

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The 1930s
Um, excuse me. Did you know the country went through a major depression? Some even called it “Great.” I found this obscure fact during my research. It started in 1929 and lasted a long, long time. Anyway, the Thirties weren’t very good years for fashion.  Though the ready-to-wear industry was staring to take off, what little money people had was spent on food, not on looking like Greta Garbo. But those with money did follow the shift toward a curvier look due, in part, to the introduction of the zipper.   Girls continued to wear dresses or blouse/skirt combos that usually hit mid-calf. They paired them with simple leather shoes and ankle socks, a trend that carried over into the forties.
 

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The 1940s
Whew! So glad to stop writing about the depression. Wait a second... WHAT? We were in a WAR? Those poor fashionistas. They were so ready for a comback. Instead, gone were silk blouses – the fabric went to make parachutes. Wool? Uniforms and blankets for soldiers. So unfair. In an effort to conserve fabric, hemlines rose to just below the knee (scandal!), and skirts were more form-fitting, with fewer gathers and pleats. Jackets were also shorter and more fitted. Clothes also looked more masculine – check out those shoulders! -  since many men were gone at war, leaving the women to work their jobs. Imagine that, women doing men’s work. It’s a wonder they survived. As for girls? Sweaters finally became major players. Oversized ones were often worn with - you guessed it - skirts.

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The 1950s
Okay, now things start to get more interesting. With no depression or war to hinder fashion, more stylish looks prevailed. No, girls didn’t wear pants to school yet. They still wore skirts, full or pleated. A famous one? The poodle skirt. Not all had poodle appliqués, though. Some featurened  music notes or records. (You know, those black, oversized CD-like things they had back in the day. God, I feel old.) White bobby socks with buckskin or saddle shoes were often worn. Sweater sets and blouses were common tops. As for pants, they started wearing them a bit more outside of school. As for jeans? Not so much. Known as ‘dungarees,' they were reserved for lounging around.

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The 1960s
When you think of the Sixties, you think of crazy, far-out clothes, right? Well, actually, that was the Seventies. Well, I’ll give you ’68 and ‘69. Clothes did start to get more colorful, though. However, girls STILL wore skirts to school and, once again, usually below the knee. Not that hemlines didn’t start to rise, they were just considered casual wear. Instead of bobby socks, they went with knee-his.  Jeans started becoming more acceptable, though only for casual events. Out to dinner and a movie? No way. Kids favored hip hugging, low slung jeans with wide belts in different colors. Near the end of the decade, we started to see bell bottoms. Then the wackiness began.

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The 1970s
Talk about groovy. Upset with ‘the man’ and the Vietnam War, teenagers used clothing to express their rebellion. Known for wild colors and patterns, the seventies gave us tie-dye t-shirts, the peasant look, and hot pants. (The latter was a  “must have” for the disco dancing set.) As for skirts, they skipped the knees all together, pushing minis to the max.  They also had maxis that went clear to the ankles. Later on we saw tube tops, too. Trust me, the guys really liked this decade. As for school? Girls finally wore pants and jeans, both of which were bell bottoms. Take that, oppressive school system! However, most jeans manufacturers still focused on boys so many girls wore boy’s jeans. Yes, it's sad. But don’t you worry, girls get their due….

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The 1980s
This was my decade, as well as most of your parents, so I’ll say a lille more on this one.  I briefly remember a painter’s pants fascination before going straight into the preppy look. Monogrammed sweaters with your initials, IZOD polo shirts in every color (collars flipped up, of course), plus a nautical obsession - particularly with whales? – featuring boat shoes and boat neck shirts. Remember the whole ‘boy jean’ issue? Well in the Eighties, girls’ designer jeans took the world by storm. Calvin Klein, Jordache, and Gloria Vanderbilt to name a few.  You were the jeans you wore. 

The advent of movie “Flashdance” in 1983 had us all wearing leggings and legwarmers, plus big sweatshirts that hung off the shoulder. In September of 1985, Madonna blew the world away with her trashy, see-through lacy shirt, bra and  lycra skirt style, making even the cutest nine year-old girls look like prostitutes.  Plus there were shoulder pads -- lots of shoulder pads -- and stirrup pants. Crop tops and neon clothing had their day in the sun, as well. Never had there been a decade so decadent, which leads us to the nineties…

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The 1990s
Talk about a backlash! I’ll be honest, like most of your moms, these were baby-making years. Most of us had NO FASHION SENSE AT ALL. We were just happy when we could get our butts back into a pair of jeans after losing the baby weight. From what I hear, though, we didn’t miss a thing. Sick of the over-the-top Eighties mentality, the Grunge look emerged.   Torn jeans, t-shirts and flannel shirts told the world teens no longer cared. Which they didn’t, until the movie “Clueless” came out in the summer of 1985. Suddenly, it was all about baby doll dresses, slip dresses worn over t-shirts, and thigh-high stockings.  For the hip hop set, track suits and Starter jackets were on the scene, making way for those jeans -- those big, baggy jeans…. 

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The 2000s
Remember how I said I hate butt cracks? Well, it started out with underwear. The hip hop set started wearing their jeans so baggy and low, their underwear was always exposed. Gross. But how does that relate to teen girls? Well, the dorks running the fashion industry took the cue and started designing jeans with waists so low…well, you know where I’m going with this. Hip hop did inspire hoodies, though, so it ain’t all bad. With the 2000s, came the advent of layering shirts. Heaven forbid you just wear one shirt at a time. Plus, like jeans in the eighties, kids got label conscious with tops. In alphabetical order (don’t want to show favoritism) we were introduced to Abercrombie and Fitch, Aeropostale, American Eagle and Hollister. If you didn’t have one of their logos on your chest, go home. Sad really.
 

So there you have it. Did I miss anything? Seriously let me know. As for how to end this post? I’ll make just one more plea:

Just say ‘no’ to butt cracks!

Now go in peace.




Photo credits:

1920s  flappers

1930s 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/21233184@N02/ / CC BY-NC 2.0
1940s
http://www.flickr.com/photos/elegantmusings/ / CC BY-NC 2.0
1950s poodle skirts

1960s outfit

1970s outfit

1980s outfit
from a party supply store. no kidding.

1990s

2000s

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    Weird Author

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