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The bag with the scarf

1/1/2016

7 Comments

 
This was supposed to be a blog post of celebration and triumph. Instead it has turned into a major lesson for me. Yeah, that’s right. Even though I’m older I can learn things, though you might disagree if you saw my attempts to do the whole “Whip/Nae Nae” dance move thing.

But I digress. A few years ago, my husband and I took a day trip to Galena, Illinois. Galena is a pretty river town with fun restaurants and cute shops. We entered one of the shops. The woman inside sold scarves, among other things. I took some time to check them out. While looking, she came up to me and said, “Did you know you can turn a scarf into a vest?”

WHAT?! Get out of here....

Then she showed me how to do it. It was fast and oh-so-easy to do. And I’d never seen it done before, like EVER. I was also pretty sure no one else had seen it, too.

When I went back home, I hopped onto YouTube and confirmed my suspicions. There were no “turn a scarf into a vest” videos out there. So I decided, as a way to thank all those fashion followers who’ve made my “What Color Season are You?” post so popular, I’d make a video and show them this new trick. Then I went upstairs, walked into my bathroom, set the bag with my newly purchased scarf off to the side of my sink counter, and looked into the mirror.

I was not camera ready. Not hardly. Over the years I had gained a few pounds. Like 30. I wouldn’t have called myself fat, though a small child certainly could have used my butt as a flotation device if we’d been lost at sea together. Plus wrinkles had started to form. I wasn’t getting any younger, that was for sure. And that made me sad. And camera shy.
​

No, I didn’t dwell on it. I wasn’t angsty, walking around with the back of my hand to my forehead, fretting about how I wasn’t as young and thin as I used to be. But that thought did stick in the back of my mind, resurfacing now and then, like when I’d dress up to go out and do something special -- when I wanted to look my very best, and my “very best” wasn’t as good as it once was.
​
Picturethe bag of sad realization
For close to three years, that scarf-filled bag sat near my sink, serving as a symbol of all the things I didn’t like about physical myself. Then, inspired by a trip I was to take with my husband, I lost some weight and felt pretty darn good about myself. Was I as thin as I was in my twenties? Nope. Was I as pretty? Nope. But, I realized I didn’t care. I had to stop looking back. I had to look forward and be grateful for what I had now.

I was going to make that dang video.

And I did. I shot it yesterday and, frankly, it took me awhile to do. Don’t even ask me how many retakes I had to do.  But I did it, and now it’s up on YouTube…

…with about three million other “make a scarf into a vest” videos.

Yep. I’d blown it. After waiting so long, my new trick wasn’t quite so new anymore. So much for teaching my fashion followers something cool. All I can do now is share what I learned yesterday:

If you’re waiting for perfect conditions – for your perfect self – before you strike out and do that cool thing you want to do, DON’T. DO IT NOW. Otherwise, you might discover that by the time you’re ready, that opportunity has long since gone. And that will suck.
​

Since I spent so much time making the video, I decided to post it anyway. You can see it below. I mean, who knows? Maybe the scarf-to-vest trick is still new to you. If not, you can at least see what I look and sound like and get a chuckle out of that. If neither interests you, that’s fine, too. Just promise me you won’t waste your life waiting for perfection before you set out and do what you want to do.

And have a HAPPY NEW YEAR, too! 
7 Comments

The Shirt (or how my husband drives me crazy)

2/21/2014

29 Comments

 
My husband. God knows I love him but, dang! There might be a few things about him that drive me absolutely mad. Take the fact that he hates to get rid of anything. ANTYHING. What made me think of this now? I was folding the laundry and I came upon The Shirt. 

Though there are others like it in Rick's drawer, I have to say The Shirt is the worst. What is The Shirt? A relic from our college days featuring none other than Indiana University's coaching legend, Bobby Knight. Bobby is know for leading IU to two national basketball championships -- one of which occurred when Rick and I were going there in 1987. Strangely, however, Bobby may be best known for his contribution to the Sports Hall of Shame: The chair throwing incident. 
But I digress. This isn't about The Chair. This is about The Shirt. Rick loves The Shirt. In fact, he loves it so much he won't let it go even though it now looks like this:
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FRONT - Notice ripped collar and stains on sleeve and along bottom
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BACK: Notice HUGE tear along the upper back of the shirt. How can he still wear this?
Wait. That photo of the back doesn't quite capture the severity of the tear. To further prove my point, I have enlisted the help of my son's teddy bear, Jefferson, to model it for you.
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(As you may be able to see, the photo shoot totally confused our cat. I have no idea why. Photographing a stuffed animal in a t-shirt is completely normal.)
See? Even Jefferson looks like he has been shamed into wearing The Shirt. Poor thing. It totally has to go.

But Rick refuses. "What if I got rid of other things of mine just because they've aged and are no longer as attractive as they once were?" he asks.

Hmm...
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how I looked on our wedding day
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how I looked when I woke up this morning
Touché, Mr. Murphy. 
You can keep your dang shirt.


29 Comments

We could all use a little glamour

7/16/2012

19 Comments

 
Ever heard of Glamour Shots? They were so big in the early Nineties. How I wished I would have gone back in the day. The experience sounded so magical.
 
They treated you like a model! You would go to their photography studio -- usually somewhere in the mall -- and get slapped with a hookerful of makeup before getting a hair blowout that would put an F5 tornado to shame. After that, you'd move on to accessories -- lamé scarves, satin gloves, foofy hats, etc. There was so much dazzle at your disposal. Some people didn't know when to stop.

Once done, you headed to a photographer that had strict orders to use a camera with a blurry lens. Then they would cue you to flirt with the camera. And women did.

Oh, how they did.

I'm not going to lie. Many photos that were taken turned out pretty well. But others? Well...just google 'funny glamour shots' and you're sure to get a chuckle. As for me, all I've got is one from a friend sent. Doesn't she look glamourous? And yes, they loaned her the bomber jacket. Me-ow!
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Love that 'off the shoulder' look!
19 Comments

Picture perfect

2/23/2012

16 Comments

 
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Not now. I look bloated.
So it starts like this...

My friend, Rita, changed her Facebook profile pic to a cute photo of her family. I wrote on her wall, “I love your profile pic. Everyone looks so good!” She replied, “Well you never pick a bad one, do you???”

Hmm. Excellent point.
 
Then our friend, Karen, chimed in saying she was tempted to change her profile pic to something hideous. Of course, knowing Karen, she did just that. Minutes later, a goofy photo of her appeared.

I laughed. "Game on," I posted on her wall. Then I dug into our computer archives. An awful photo of me had to be somewhere in there. Well, guess what? I couldn't find one. 

That's right. After scrolling through thousands of photos, I couldn't find even one where I looked bad. Sound conceited? I'm not. It's much sadder. Truth is, I'm just vain.

Whenever I see a bad picture of myself I delete it, no questions asked. I think, "No big deal. A lot of people do it." And that's true, but here's the thing: in the 3000+ photos we have on our family computer, I’m only in about 60.

Yep. I'm in less than 2% of our photos. What a legacy.

Granted, I’m the cameraman. During trips and family gatherings it's usually me taking the photos. Still, that 2% statistic really stinks, and it's all because I have to look perfect. In my quest to look flawless for future generations, I quite literally cut myself out of the picture.

What spurred me to delete so many photos of myself? Could I have had that many bad hair days? Does my smile keep looking crooked or my eyes keep drooping or did the photos just look like the real me instead of the idealized one I had in my head?

Well, effective immediately, I'm going to stop discarding every bad photo of myself. Life isn’t perfect and neither am I. My friends and family still love me the way I am. Why can't I love myself, too?
 
Years from now, when I have a grandchild in my lap and we’re looking at old family photos, I may not look great but at least I’ll be there. Present.

In the picture.

Picture
photo number 61
16 Comments

unbelievable beauty products

1/12/2012

18 Comments

 
Remember when I said beauty comes from within? Well, I lied. You’re no better than your looks. Personality, smarts and talent mean nothing if they're not packaged in a pretty shell. 

But don't worry. I'm her to rescue you with some products that will make you smile -- but don’t. Please. Smiling wrinkles your skin, plus you really need to whiten your teeth.
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First off, about that smile. Why not use Face Refrain, the expression inhibitor serum? Just apply this invisible liquid to 'retrain  your brain, and therefore your body, to decrease or completely stop repetitive  facial expressions that can result in creases and eventually, wrinkles.’  It’s form a tape to prevent you from ‘repetitive facial expressions’ like scowling or smiling. Living without expressing emotion is good for many reasons. Keeping it all inside makes your
insides boil, which burns more calories…or does it cause cardiac damage? I forget.

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If you’re already
wrinkled, you might need to continue to plan B. Use Baba De Caracol Original Snail Slime facial cream. Remember ‘original.’ Don’t fall for imitations. All slimes are not the same!

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Let’s move on to your nose. It better be one of those cute upturned ones. It’s not? Then you’re clearly second tier. No worries. Just use the Beauty Life High Nose. ‘The supports hold your nose in place the buzzing will help shape your nose into just that little bit firmer and higher.’Love the grammar. This product must be top notch!

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Of course, we can’t forget lips. There are a ton of plumpers out there, but none more fun that the Luscious Lip Pumper. That's right. I said ‘pumper,’not ‘plumper.’ No silly creams or lipsticks here. Instead, just use the vacuum pump to get ‘full, pouty, more kissable lips in seconds!' Side note: bruising should not occur if the conditioning process is carefully followed. Plus what’s wrong with bruising, anyway? It’s like mottled lipstick that won’t easily come off!

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Now boobs aren’t part of your face, but you can’t deny their importance.
Without big boobs, women must rely on their personalities to get dates. Such a horror! My favorite product? F-Cup Cookies. They’re FDA-unapproved! Plus you get to eat cookies. Double bonus. This product is (very definitely) too good to be true! 

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Still, if you’re on a diet and can't eat cookies -- which you should be unless you're a size 0 -- increase your size party-style with the wine rack bra. Just fill it with your favorite beverage and slosh your way to high stylin’.

I'm sure there are more horrible -- I mean awesome -- products out there to make you more beautiful. If you've got one, please share. We all need a little help, don't we?

18 Comments

I was so beautiful in high school

8/29/2011

24 Comments

 
Did that title get your attention? Thought it might. Truth is, I wasn't that bad looking.

If only I’d realized it at the time.

Back then, it seemed like there was always something about me that needed fixing. My face, my hair, my body -- I had problems in every department. And I knew if I could change them, I would be perfect and my life would be totally different: I’d be more popular. I’d get the attention of that cute guy in study hall. I’d meet the girl who played Blair from ‘Facts of Life’ and she’d let me raid her closet. 

Life would be AWESOME.

My features are dark, so back in the day I idolized similarly featured teen super model Phoebe Cates. She graced the pages of Seventeen magazine on a frequent basis -- that is, until her role in the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High where she played a VERY sexually active teen who took her bikini top off in a rather hilarious dream sequence. She didn’t appear in the magazine after that. Go figure.

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Transition from teen girl idolization to teen boy idolization in 3...2...1.
Anyway, before the movie she was my inspiration. I can still visualize my favorite photo of her. She wore these purple wide-whale corduroy pants with a cinched draw-string waist that were totally rad. Such the style icon. With her image squarely in my mind, I would sit cross-legged on the bathroom counter and analyze my face. I’d think if my eyes were a little bigger, my forehead a little higher, my nose a little smaller, and my chin a little softer I would look just like her. And life would be perfect.

Well, a little while ago I chanced upon one of my old high school year books. Biting my nail, I flipped to my picture. Yep, it was me, Eighties hair and all, and you know what? I didn’t look bad. In fact, I looked pretty dang good. What had I been so uptight about? Skimming through the photos I noticed everyone looked good. And to think of how many lunchroom conversations we wasted talking about what we’d change about ourselves. Stupid.

I wish I would have spent far less time worried about perfection and a lot more time enjoying who I was. Life would have been so much more fun. Even now I have to catch myself. I’m not getting any younger, you know. But I bet when I’m sixty years-old looking at photos of me today, I’ll be thinking I didn’t look half bad.

So do yourself a favor: Next time you look in the mirror, focus on what’s right instead of what’s wrong. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And who do you think is the most important beholder?

That’s right, baby.

YOU.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High photo credit: http://929dave.radio.com/2011/08/14/gallery-now-then-fast-times-at-ridgemont-high/#photo-17
24 Comments

Time for Botox, baby!

5/16/2011

17 Comments

 
madonna cone bra toddlerInsert 'Like a Virgin' joke here.
Ugh. Sometimes a news story just makes me wanna hurl. Take Kerry Campbell from San Francisco, CA. Her eight year-old daughter, Britney, complained about ‘wrinkles’ on her face so she did the obvious: She gave her daughter Botox treatments. After all, nothing says maternal love like injecting your child’s face with toxins, right?

Kerry got the idea from her fellow pageant show moms. That’s right. Britney participates in those kiddie beauty pageants I just love to bits. Doesn’t your heart just warm when you watch a youngster strut her stuff in metallic gold cone bra? Mine, too.

Still, I couldn’t believe the whole Botox thing. What kind of mom would put her kid through that? I mean, come on! Why didn't she act sooner? That way her daughter would never have had to deal with the self-esteem issues she’s experiencing now.

Case in point, the baby below:

Picture
PictureDang! My fingers look like sausages!
She's adorable, right? Still, those chubby cheeks should really go, especially if she wants to attract that cute eighteen month-old boy who plays on the other side of the sandbox. Sure, she could dangle a bright red shovel his way in the hopes of getting him to toddle over, but that would look too forward. I say cheek bone implants and lip fillers to start, followed by false eyelashes and hair extensions. With looks on her side, her life will be easy. Screw personality development!

Everyone knows that if you’re not perfect, you’re not worthy of attention. That whole ‘beauty comes from the inside’ bit? Just a load of crap to make ugly people feel better. It’s a mom’s job to make sure kids don’t have to deal with that kind of angst. Best to nip it in the bud.

Okay, okay. I’ll cut the sarcasm. This whole Botox story is both ridiculous and sad. Those awful ‘lines’ on Britney’s face? They look like dimples to me. Cute, little girl dimples.

When I was young I wanted to be perfect. I would sit in front of the mirror and examine my face, thinking, ‘if only my eyes were a little bigger,’ ‘if only my forehead were a little higher,’ etc., etc., etc. Finally, I wised up. I decided to stop defining myself by my flaws and focus on assets. It was a life-affirming moment for me. Very empowering, too.

For anyone who wishes they were more beautiful than they are right now, I’ve got an easy solution: SMILE. The best smiles always come from within. They come from knowing and (still) loving yourself.

Embrace what’s good. Celebrate what’s great. Others will see it, too. Beauty really does come from within. You just have to let it show
.


Cone bra photo credit

Cute baby in dots photo credit

Baby looking at hand photo credit
17 Comments
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