Coming up with ideas for blog posts can be a difficult task, so I’m taking a break to address a few pretend letters from three non-existent girls who’ve asked for advice. Like my Why Does She DO That? page, this post comes with the following:
WARNING: CONTAINS PREACHY CONTENT
May be unsuitable for viewers who aren’t in the mood
May be unsuitable for viewers who aren’t in the mood
With that being said, allow me to present…
DEAR MAKE-BELIEVE MOM
Dear Mom,
It’s hard to explain. I mean, I don’t go out a ton, but I do have friends. Still, sometimes I just feel so alone, like I don’t fit in. What should I do? - The Only Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Rejoice! Yes, you heard me. Why? Because it means you’re normal. If you didn’t feel that way you’d be a freak. Seriously. No one feels 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time unless they’re on heavy medication -- and that’s a whole other issue entirely. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: What about that girl in math class, the one with the coolest clothes, coolest friends, etc.? She never feels that way, right? Wrong. Just don’t ask her to admit it unless you want her to give you the stink eye. Even still, what if she did think she was all that and a bag of Cheetos 24/7? Talk about a major head case. Nope, I’d rather be you. People who know what it’s like to feel awkward are usually nicer and make better friends. My bet is you’re one cool, compassionate chick. So don’t be sad, be GLAD (insert something snarky about garbage bags here.) You’re a better person for it.
Dear Mom,
I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and he’s been pressuring me to play Monopoly. Thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready. What should I do? - Not Quite Ready to Play
Dear Not Quite Ready,
Wow, Monopoly. I can see why you’re scared. The game takes so long to set up, yet you have no guarantee your boyfriend will keep playing after just a few turns. If he does keep going, it can be hard to tell if the only reason he’s doing it is so he can hit ‘GO’ and collect $200 all the time. Then, by the time you figure that out you’ve got so much invested in the game you feel you have to keep playing even when you want to stop. ARGH! The social repercussions can be devastating, too. All it takes is for one person to find out and, before you know it, the whole world is snickering about your ‘Community Chest.’ Tragic. Plus, there’s always ‘Chance.’ Pick the wrong card and the game’s over, just like that. Talk about a messy clean up –- there are so many pieces! -- and, more than likely, you’re boyfriend won’t lift a finger to help.
My advice? Don’t roll the dice. Stick to simpler games until you want, and can afford, to buy Boardwalk and put a house on it. Trust me, your life will be happier and much more care-free.
Dear Mom,
I’m sixteen years old and wear a size 11 shoe. I feel like a circus clown. Any suggestions on how I can blend? - Bigfoot in Smallsville
Dear Bigfoot,
Now I’ve been pretty straight forward with advice so far, so I know you’re expecting something like, “Size 11 shoe? No big deal. I bet no one really notices,” or “Accentuate the positive! I bet you can clog dance louder and squash bugs better than anyone else around!” Truth is, I’m sure you look like a total freak and, as a teenager, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Conformity is king. So the solution is simple: remove your toes with a hacksaw. I know it sounds painful, but not as painful as the total humiliation you must be going through. I mean, I still remember the day I had to break off my friendship with a good buddy once I noticed her knees looked a little too much like russet potatoes. Sure, you’ll have trouble walking and wearing flip flops will be a thing of the past, but now you’ll be able to really rock a pair of Uggs. Totally worth it. Just ask your parents first. Doctor bills and physical therapy will play heavily in your future.
Well, that’s it for now. If you have any questions of your own, just send me an e via the handy dandy ‘Contact Me’ tab and I might just answer it. Yep, that’s right. I’m cool that way.
TTYL,
Mom
DEAR MAKE-BELIEVE MOM
Dear Mom,
It’s hard to explain. I mean, I don’t go out a ton, but I do have friends. Still, sometimes I just feel so alone, like I don’t fit in. What should I do? - The Only Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Rejoice! Yes, you heard me. Why? Because it means you’re normal. If you didn’t feel that way you’d be a freak. Seriously. No one feels 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time unless they’re on heavy medication -- and that’s a whole other issue entirely. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: What about that girl in math class, the one with the coolest clothes, coolest friends, etc.? She never feels that way, right? Wrong. Just don’t ask her to admit it unless you want her to give you the stink eye. Even still, what if she did think she was all that and a bag of Cheetos 24/7? Talk about a major head case. Nope, I’d rather be you. People who know what it’s like to feel awkward are usually nicer and make better friends. My bet is you’re one cool, compassionate chick. So don’t be sad, be GLAD (insert something snarky about garbage bags here.) You’re a better person for it.
Dear Mom,
I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and he’s been pressuring me to play Monopoly. Thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready. What should I do? - Not Quite Ready to Play
Dear Not Quite Ready,
Wow, Monopoly. I can see why you’re scared. The game takes so long to set up, yet you have no guarantee your boyfriend will keep playing after just a few turns. If he does keep going, it can be hard to tell if the only reason he’s doing it is so he can hit ‘GO’ and collect $200 all the time. Then, by the time you figure that out you’ve got so much invested in the game you feel you have to keep playing even when you want to stop. ARGH! The social repercussions can be devastating, too. All it takes is for one person to find out and, before you know it, the whole world is snickering about your ‘Community Chest.’ Tragic. Plus, there’s always ‘Chance.’ Pick the wrong card and the game’s over, just like that. Talk about a messy clean up –- there are so many pieces! -- and, more than likely, you’re boyfriend won’t lift a finger to help.
My advice? Don’t roll the dice. Stick to simpler games until you want, and can afford, to buy Boardwalk and put a house on it. Trust me, your life will be happier and much more care-free.
Dear Mom,
I’m sixteen years old and wear a size 11 shoe. I feel like a circus clown. Any suggestions on how I can blend? - Bigfoot in Smallsville
Dear Bigfoot,
Now I’ve been pretty straight forward with advice so far, so I know you’re expecting something like, “Size 11 shoe? No big deal. I bet no one really notices,” or “Accentuate the positive! I bet you can clog dance louder and squash bugs better than anyone else around!” Truth is, I’m sure you look like a total freak and, as a teenager, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Conformity is king. So the solution is simple: remove your toes with a hacksaw. I know it sounds painful, but not as painful as the total humiliation you must be going through. I mean, I still remember the day I had to break off my friendship with a good buddy once I noticed her knees looked a little too much like russet potatoes. Sure, you’ll have trouble walking and wearing flip flops will be a thing of the past, but now you’ll be able to really rock a pair of Uggs. Totally worth it. Just ask your parents first. Doctor bills and physical therapy will play heavily in your future.
Well, that’s it for now. If you have any questions of your own, just send me an e via the handy dandy ‘Contact Me’ tab and I might just answer it. Yep, that’s right. I’m cool that way.
TTYL,
Mom
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