Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:
The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.
I got a toilet.
It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.
So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit over an innocuous skit on Jimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen and Duck Dynasty’s Phil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec.
So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up.
Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.