The Madre Herald
WEDNESDAY, March 10th, 2010
High School Population Reeling After Popularite Discovery
AP, Atlanta – This past weekend, Shady Maple School District struck gold upon the recent discovery of something many considered a finite natural resource: popularite. Known to increase social status and enhance good looks, popularite was considered so valuable and hard-to-find, many teens went great lengths to get it. Now that’s no longer necessary.
“I was digging a hole in the backyard and just stumbled on it,” said Charlie Chinklbotz of his find - a chunk of popularite the size of a mini-van. “There’s enough for every student in town. Heck, enough for every student in the county! Some people told me I should sell it. I don’t need any now that I’m grown. But like most folks, I had some hard times in school, so I’m giving it away for free.”
Yes, that’s right - FOR FREE.
News of Mr. Chinklebotz’s generosity spread quickly, followed by cheers from local high school students. “No one needs to back stab or spread rumors anymore!” exclaimed junior, Missy Henderson. “I’m just glad I can relax and be myself now,” said fellow-classmate, Ryan Brown.
But not everyone was thrilled.
“I worked so hard to get my popularite,” confessed one teen girl, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s not fair that kids can just get it now.” She went on to describe one of many tireless battles she waged to obtain popularite. “Just last year, a new girl entered school right in the middle of the semester. I just knew she’d take some of my popularite without even having to do anything. I had to act fast.”
After a carefully crafted smear campaign, highlighted by a nasty rumor stating the girl slept with a Jimmy Kimmel photo under her pillow, she managed to not only cause undying embarrassment for the girl, but obtain of 1.5 ounces of popularite in the process.
“I always did what it took to keep my popularite – from giving girls the stink eye to flat out bullying and blackmail. No one could stand in my way.”
Now, it seems, no one cares anymore, and that just makes her mad. “Now that no one’s afraid of me anymore, I don’t have friends. It’s not fair.”
Now that there’s enough popularite for everyone, this reporter wonders what will happen to the now unstable social structure of the student population. Will students begin treating each other better than before? Will teen angst becoming a thing of the past?
I, for one, hope so.
Many say it looks like 'a plain old rock.'