I was all prepared to write a snarky post about the losers of 2012 then I had a change of heart. There was so much real tragedy last year. And plain silliness, as well. Still, screwy people need our support, not silly comments that just make the situation worse. So this year I give you Mom's Prayers for the Misguided. Okay, there might be some snark. Remember, I'm not perfect.
For Kristen Stewart: Cheating on R-Patz? What was she thinking? Messing around just isn't cool. It makes SO much sense that she got most of the scorn instead of her partner in crime, Rupert Sanders. She was young and dating a really cool guy while Sanders was only twice her age, married with kids, and in a power position as her boss. It's clear that she was way more of a skizz than him. And by "clear" I mean "totally not." When it comes to future cases of cheating in Hollywood, I pray for equal blame. Guys get off too easily. That sucks and needs to change.
For John Travolta's hair: May the Christmas tree flocking industry partner work harder with his spray on hair source so his mane of puffy paint can look fuller and more lustrous. Come on Johnny, we love you with or without the hair. It's the press on-felt wig that creeps us out. (Strangely, I couldn't find a free photo of him in his current hair condition. To see it, you will have to click here. But I won't provide a link to Miley Cyrus' new cut. It's just too scary. May she regain her senses.)
For Honey Boo Boo: May her "Go-Go Juice" of Mountain Dew and Red Bull magically transform into milk with a V8 V-Fusion chaser. And may she never be found saying "a dollar make me holler" on the corner of Easy Street and Lost Souls Avenue at 2 AM. I don't want to redneckognize her name in any police reports ten years from now.
For John Travolta's hair: May the Christmas tree flocking industry partner work harder with his spray on hair source so his mane of puffy paint can look fuller and more lustrous. Come on Johnny, we love you with or without the hair. It's the press on-felt wig that creeps us out. (Strangely, I couldn't find a free photo of him in his current hair condition. To see it, you will have to click here. But I won't provide a link to Miley Cyrus' new cut. It's just too scary. May she regain her senses.)
For Honey Boo Boo: May her "Go-Go Juice" of Mountain Dew and Red Bull magically transform into milk with a V8 V-Fusion chaser. And may she never be found saying "a dollar make me holler" on the corner of Easy Street and Lost Souls Avenue at 2 AM. I don't want to redneckognize her name in any police reports ten years from now.
While I'm on the younger set, may the spirit of dignity and wise choices guide the future of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick's kids. That goes double for Snooki's child, which is in no way affiliated with Beyonce's old band Destiny's Child, except for Snooki calling her kid's baby shoes "bootylicious."
For Clint Eastwood and that empty chair of his at the Republican National Convention. May Mr. Eastwood make at least one more incredible movie before senility totally consumes him. As for the chair, maybe a nice rub down with Pledge furniture polish? It deserves something for dealing with the humiliation. No chair should have to go through that.
For all of those involved in the Cruise-Holmes breakup -- Tom, Katie and little Suri. It's great to see the Stepford wife look disappear from Katie's eyes. Still, I know family break ups can be hard. May Tom and Katie make this work to minimize the hurt. I'd hate for Suri to lose focus on her burn book.
For all of those involved in the Cruise-Holmes breakup -- Tom, Katie and little Suri. It's great to see the Stepford wife look disappear from Katie's eyes. Still, I know family break ups can be hard. May Tom and Katie make this work to minimize the hurt. I'd hate for Suri to lose focus on her burn book.
For Lance Armstrong: I get that he was tired of fending off the accusations that he used performance enhancing drugs. Yet from the evidence it was clear he did it, even though everyone else did it, too. May we all remember that even when all the cool kids are doing it that doesn't make it right. May Lance own up, square his shoulders, then focus his efforts on what really matters: his cancer foundation, Livestrong.
Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't keep Lindsay Lohan in my thoughts. I know 2012 wasn't quite the comeback year that she had hoped for. Instead, it ended up being more like 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011. But that's okay. A new year is here. That means another chance. I sincerely hope she finds her way this time. Seriously. Watching young stars spiral downward to the tabloid's glee of the tabloids and sick fascination of the world makes me sad. Just plain sad.
And that's it. Did I miss anyone? Is there someone you think could use a little extra positive energy this year? Let me know. I'll make sure to light a candle for them. In the end, couldn't we all use a bump?
Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't keep Lindsay Lohan in my thoughts. I know 2012 wasn't quite the comeback year that she had hoped for. Instead, it ended up being more like 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011. But that's okay. A new year is here. That means another chance. I sincerely hope she finds her way this time. Seriously. Watching young stars spiral downward to the tabloid's glee of the tabloids and sick fascination of the world makes me sad. Just plain sad.
And that's it. Did I miss anyone? Is there someone you think could use a little extra positive energy this year? Let me know. I'll make sure to light a candle for them. In the end, couldn't we all use a bump?
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