If I’ve learned anything, it’s not to trust your instincts. Why listen to that little voice inside your head, telling you what’s right and wrong, when you can listen to the advice of others who don’t have your best interests in mind?
So to help you make the right decisions, go to the #1 source of accurate advice….
Your Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I hate to say it, but it looks like you need to study more. No, I’m not talking about school. Unfortunately, the stars are telling me that you are suspiciously unread on Justin Bieber trivia. That just won’t do. Act now before that tell-tale moment when everyone’s staring at you at the lunch table because you don’t know his dog’s favorite chew toy. As if.
Leo (June 23-August 22)
You know that itch you have that you’ve been dying to scratch? No, not the one that’s telling you to redecorate your room or the other one that says, ‘buy those Uggs now!’ I’m talking about the one on your back that you have trouble reaching with a ruler. Well, you’d better get it checked out. It’s starting to spread. In the locker room, the last thing you need is a red patch that looks hauntingly like Taylor Swift right below your shoulder blade.
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22)
This is your lucky month! You will be the 1,000,000th person to click on a website and win an actual prize! No joke! All you have to do is sign up for a silly little subscription service that won’t cost you a dime. Honest. And your luck doesn’t end there. Your mom will make your favorite dinner…on the night you have practice. And your dad will help you with your math…even though he doesn't know how to do it. But still, there’s that 1,000,000th person thing, remember? Oh, yeah. That doesn’t really work out either. Sorry.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Sad news, I’m afraid. Don’t go out of the house. Not for anything. Something bad will happen, something very, very bad. Oh, wait. You still want to go to that interview for that cool after-school job at Daisy Dog Care Center that my daughter’s also applying for? No, really, you shouldn’t. Plus, I head it’s really not THAT cool, anyway. Just stay inside. Trust me. I’ll give you twenty bucks.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Like all other Scorpios, you’re too good for school and you know it. So go ahead and do what you’ve been itching to all along. Quit. You hear me. Do it. Remember how your friend’s big sister said a full-time sales associate position at The Express just opened up? Well, it’s got your name on it – plus an extra 20% off all accessories during your first two weeks of employment. You just can’t pass this deal up. School will get you no where. Why wait for a big-time job later when you can start earning minimum wage now? Do it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This is your month to reveal that deep dark secret that’s been eating away at you for months. Maybe it’s your Hello Kitty obsession, or your love for avocado-cheese dip. Whatever it is, you need to purge. Your reward will be an all-expenses paid trip to the rehab center of your choice. Imagine, no school for a month! I know it sounds scary, but you really should do something about it. You can’t sleep with a picture of Simon Cowell under your pillow forever. It’s just not healthy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Expect a deep dark secret to be revealed to you by a friend. Maybe it’s a Hello Kitty obsession, or a love for avocado cheese dip. Whatever the sick, creepy confession is, make sure to over-react. Don’t tell her it’s normal, that all people have problems now and then. She needs to realize that she’s sick, and your friendship and love is conditional upon her re-habilitation. Hard core peer-pressure always makes the situation better. I’m counting on you to do what’s right and blow the entire thing completely out of proportion.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be prepared for a trip! Some time this month your family will surprise you with travel plans that will screw up your entire weekend. Maybe it’s going to see Great Aunt Martha at Crusty Creatures Nursing Home, or a lame trip to a travelling museum exhibit - the possibilities for torture are endless! Prepare your negotiation strategy now to maximize your reward later. And remember to have your phone and IPod with you at all times.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This month is your month to shine, literally. It’s time to get out the Be-Dazzler and go nuts! Rhinestone studded jeans, shirts, sombreros – you name it. It’s your turn to start the latest fashion trend, and there’s nothing like the glittery face of Heidi Montag on the back of a turquoise blue Members Only jacket. Be bold, be stylin’, be ridiculed. You’ve got the moxie. Go for it!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do you ever worry about the little things, things you can’t do anything to stop? Well, if you don’t, now is the time to start. This month you should obsess over every little detail in your life. Did your boyfriend tell you he’d call you last night then not do it? Maybe he just forgot, or maybe he decided to dump you and is at this very moment telling his friends you kiss like an octopus. And when your best friend said she thought your outfit was cute yesterday, do you really think she meant it? Her tone was a little strange. I bet she’s talking about you behind your back. If you’re not sick with worry over details like these, you’ve obviously got problems. Just create some imaginary ones and you’ll be smooth sailing…your way to an ulcer. (They’re very chic, you know.)
Taurus(April 20 – May 20)
Been waiting to finally approach that special someone? Now’s the time to do it, and do it with style. Nothing shows commitment and class like an anime caricature of your love interest tattooed right in the middle of your forehead. Sure, it’s permanent, but not as permanent as your love for that cute guy in second period that plays drums on his desk with two sporks. So show him how much you care, so he can show you how much he cares…less.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Time to roll up those sleeves and get busy. This is the month all your hard work will pay off. Yes, you heard me. Your mom will finally recognize everything you’ve done and give you a butt-load of cash so you can supplement your summer wardrobe. No foolin’! What? So what if you heard me talking to your mom on the phone. And those cookies she baked for me? Purely out of love, no strings attached. Just clean that toilet and iron those curtains. There’ll be something in it for you. Promise.
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So to help you make the right decisions, go to the #1 source of accurate advice….
Your Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I hate to say it, but it looks like you need to study more. No, I’m not talking about school. Unfortunately, the stars are telling me that you are suspiciously unread on Justin Bieber trivia. That just won’t do. Act now before that tell-tale moment when everyone’s staring at you at the lunch table because you don’t know his dog’s favorite chew toy. As if.
Leo (June 23-August 22)
You know that itch you have that you’ve been dying to scratch? No, not the one that’s telling you to redecorate your room or the other one that says, ‘buy those Uggs now!’ I’m talking about the one on your back that you have trouble reaching with a ruler. Well, you’d better get it checked out. It’s starting to spread. In the locker room, the last thing you need is a red patch that looks hauntingly like Taylor Swift right below your shoulder blade.
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22)
This is your lucky month! You will be the 1,000,000th person to click on a website and win an actual prize! No joke! All you have to do is sign up for a silly little subscription service that won’t cost you a dime. Honest. And your luck doesn’t end there. Your mom will make your favorite dinner…on the night you have practice. And your dad will help you with your math…even though he doesn't know how to do it. But still, there’s that 1,000,000th person thing, remember? Oh, yeah. That doesn’t really work out either. Sorry.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Sad news, I’m afraid. Don’t go out of the house. Not for anything. Something bad will happen, something very, very bad. Oh, wait. You still want to go to that interview for that cool after-school job at Daisy Dog Care Center that my daughter’s also applying for? No, really, you shouldn’t. Plus, I head it’s really not THAT cool, anyway. Just stay inside. Trust me. I’ll give you twenty bucks.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Like all other Scorpios, you’re too good for school and you know it. So go ahead and do what you’ve been itching to all along. Quit. You hear me. Do it. Remember how your friend’s big sister said a full-time sales associate position at The Express just opened up? Well, it’s got your name on it – plus an extra 20% off all accessories during your first two weeks of employment. You just can’t pass this deal up. School will get you no where. Why wait for a big-time job later when you can start earning minimum wage now? Do it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This is your month to reveal that deep dark secret that’s been eating away at you for months. Maybe it’s your Hello Kitty obsession, or your love for avocado-cheese dip. Whatever it is, you need to purge. Your reward will be an all-expenses paid trip to the rehab center of your choice. Imagine, no school for a month! I know it sounds scary, but you really should do something about it. You can’t sleep with a picture of Simon Cowell under your pillow forever. It’s just not healthy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Expect a deep dark secret to be revealed to you by a friend. Maybe it’s a Hello Kitty obsession, or a love for avocado cheese dip. Whatever the sick, creepy confession is, make sure to over-react. Don’t tell her it’s normal, that all people have problems now and then. She needs to realize that she’s sick, and your friendship and love is conditional upon her re-habilitation. Hard core peer-pressure always makes the situation better. I’m counting on you to do what’s right and blow the entire thing completely out of proportion.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be prepared for a trip! Some time this month your family will surprise you with travel plans that will screw up your entire weekend. Maybe it’s going to see Great Aunt Martha at Crusty Creatures Nursing Home, or a lame trip to a travelling museum exhibit - the possibilities for torture are endless! Prepare your negotiation strategy now to maximize your reward later. And remember to have your phone and IPod with you at all times.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This month is your month to shine, literally. It’s time to get out the Be-Dazzler and go nuts! Rhinestone studded jeans, shirts, sombreros – you name it. It’s your turn to start the latest fashion trend, and there’s nothing like the glittery face of Heidi Montag on the back of a turquoise blue Members Only jacket. Be bold, be stylin’, be ridiculed. You’ve got the moxie. Go for it!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do you ever worry about the little things, things you can’t do anything to stop? Well, if you don’t, now is the time to start. This month you should obsess over every little detail in your life. Did your boyfriend tell you he’d call you last night then not do it? Maybe he just forgot, or maybe he decided to dump you and is at this very moment telling his friends you kiss like an octopus. And when your best friend said she thought your outfit was cute yesterday, do you really think she meant it? Her tone was a little strange. I bet she’s talking about you behind your back. If you’re not sick with worry over details like these, you’ve obviously got problems. Just create some imaginary ones and you’ll be smooth sailing…your way to an ulcer. (They’re very chic, you know.)
Taurus(April 20 – May 20)
Been waiting to finally approach that special someone? Now’s the time to do it, and do it with style. Nothing shows commitment and class like an anime caricature of your love interest tattooed right in the middle of your forehead. Sure, it’s permanent, but not as permanent as your love for that cute guy in second period that plays drums on his desk with two sporks. So show him how much you care, so he can show you how much he cares…less.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Time to roll up those sleeves and get busy. This is the month all your hard work will pay off. Yes, you heard me. Your mom will finally recognize everything you’ve done and give you a butt-load of cash so you can supplement your summer wardrobe. No foolin’! What? So what if you heard me talking to your mom on the phone. And those cookies she baked for me? Purely out of love, no strings attached. Just clean that toilet and iron those curtains. There’ll be something in it for you. Promise.
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