I’ll admit I’ve been remiss. Right after New Year’s I usually write a post about celebrity losers from the past year. So far I haven’t done it. Sure, I’ve got my list compiled. There's Toronto mayor, Rob Ford (“Have I tried crack cocaine? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”), Amanda Bynes (poster child for the “Say No to Deranged, Topless Selfies” campaign), Justin Bieber (monkeys...Brazilian hookers...Ann Frank..and now some egging scandal? Doesn't anyone tell him "no"?), Real Housewives of New Jersey star Theresa Guidice (cheater, cheater, mortgage eater!) as well as Anthony Weiner (“Carlos Danger” – seriously?). I don’t even want to mention the biggest loser in my eyes because she’s gotten so much press already. All I'll say is if "naked on a wrecking ball licking a hammer" is the new definition of “marketing genius" then I’m throwing my dictionary away.
Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:
Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:
Holy Pam Anderson! Chicken breasts are now so big they’re starting to sell them in 2-packs instead of 3-packs. These are one pound each! I can't imagine what they’re pumping into chickens now. Shudder.
The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.
I got a toilet.
The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.
I got a toilet.
Okay, it’s a cute, little toilet filled with Tootsie Rolls (Now that’s marketing genius!) but I didn’t end up with what I really wanted. What I wanted was vintage. It was chic. It was fabulous.
It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.
It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.
Okay, I’m kidding…or am I? After we lit the candle, someone looked it up on Ebay to see what it might be worth. The answer: $30 – unlit of course. We all felt like losers then.
So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit over an innocuous skit on Jimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen and Duck Dynasty’s Phil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec.
So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up.
Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.
So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit over an innocuous skit on Jimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen and Duck Dynasty’s Phil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec.
So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up.
Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.
RSS Feed
