Smoking is bad for you.
Smoking = lung cancer
Yadda yadda yadda.
Every where you go people tell you not to smoke. They throw out words like ‘addiction’ and ‘death’ in an effort to scare you. But there’s a hidden truth to smoking, a truth no one else will tell you. That is, no one but me. Are you ready? Are you sure? Okay, here it is:
SMOKING is COOL.
You heard me. It’s cool. I mean, cigarettes are like fire in your hand that you can control. Awesome. And not only is it cool, but cool people smoke. Look at Paris Hilton, Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan. They all smoke. And not only are they cool, they’re great role models, too. "But they’re all girls," you say. Well, to that I just have two words: Barack Obama. That’s right. The President of the United States smokes. How cool is that? Sure, he never lets himself get photographed doing it. He also says he wishes he could quit and that starting to smoke was one of the worst decisions he ever made. I don’t believe him. Secretly, he doesn’t want to quit because he wants to stay cool.
Now, now. I know there are a few so-called ‘negative’ issues about smoking out there, ones Anti- Smoking Supporters (also known as ASSes) keep harping on but, trust me, they’re really no big deal. To prove it I’m tackling each one head on. I'll start with the biggest…
HEALTH
People keep on saying smoking is bad for you, but did you know smokers only lose an average of seven years from their life? And that’s off the back end, when they’re ancient. Sure, that number can vary. Some people can get it as early as their mid-forties (like I said, ancient) which is probably close to your folks’ age, but who really needs parents? Heck, you’re a teenager now. You’ve got life all figured out. All parents are good for is nagging, telling you what to do, making dinner, doing your laundry, giving you a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend dumps you. Wait, I’m getting off task. Point is, there’s only a small chance that you’ll die early and leave your future children without a mother. No big whoop. There are a few other minor concerns - reduced quality of life, heart problems, circulatory issues, other lung difficulties, as well as one or two ill-effects on unborn babies - but, like I said, they’re minor so let’s just move on to a more important topic.
BEAUTY
Okay, I’ll admit it. Smoking does take a small toll on your appearance. No, I’m not talking about your lungs (they do turn black, but no one sees them). It’s the whole ‘yellow teeth and fingernails’ business. Hello? Anyone heard of Crest Whitening Strips? Don’t forget nail polish. Sure, your skin turns a little yellow, too…and wrinkly…and leathery. But that just makes you look older, and older is cool. To prove my point, I conducted a little experiment and personally gave a cute six year-old girl a pack of smokes every week for ten years. Take a look at the results:
Every where you go people tell you not to smoke. They throw out words like ‘addiction’ and ‘death’ in an effort to scare you. But there’s a hidden truth to smoking, a truth no one else will tell you. That is, no one but me. Are you ready? Are you sure? Okay, here it is:
SMOKING is COOL.
You heard me. It’s cool. I mean, cigarettes are like fire in your hand that you can control. Awesome. And not only is it cool, but cool people smoke. Look at Paris Hilton, Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan. They all smoke. And not only are they cool, they’re great role models, too. "But they’re all girls," you say. Well, to that I just have two words: Barack Obama. That’s right. The President of the United States smokes. How cool is that? Sure, he never lets himself get photographed doing it. He also says he wishes he could quit and that starting to smoke was one of the worst decisions he ever made. I don’t believe him. Secretly, he doesn’t want to quit because he wants to stay cool.
Now, now. I know there are a few so-called ‘negative’ issues about smoking out there, ones Anti- Smoking Supporters (also known as ASSes) keep harping on but, trust me, they’re really no big deal. To prove it I’m tackling each one head on. I'll start with the biggest…
HEALTH
People keep on saying smoking is bad for you, but did you know smokers only lose an average of seven years from their life? And that’s off the back end, when they’re ancient. Sure, that number can vary. Some people can get it as early as their mid-forties (like I said, ancient) which is probably close to your folks’ age, but who really needs parents? Heck, you’re a teenager now. You’ve got life all figured out. All parents are good for is nagging, telling you what to do, making dinner, doing your laundry, giving you a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend dumps you. Wait, I’m getting off task. Point is, there’s only a small chance that you’ll die early and leave your future children without a mother. No big whoop. There are a few other minor concerns - reduced quality of life, heart problems, circulatory issues, other lung difficulties, as well as one or two ill-effects on unborn babies - but, like I said, they’re minor so let’s just move on to a more important topic.
BEAUTY
Okay, I’ll admit it. Smoking does take a small toll on your appearance. No, I’m not talking about your lungs (they do turn black, but no one sees them). It’s the whole ‘yellow teeth and fingernails’ business. Hello? Anyone heard of Crest Whitening Strips? Don’t forget nail polish. Sure, your skin turns a little yellow, too…and wrinkly…and leathery. But that just makes you look older, and older is cool. To prove my point, I conducted a little experiment and personally gave a cute six year-old girl a pack of smokes every week for ten years. Take a look at the results:
BEFORE...
AND AFTER
Amazing, isn't it? Just sixteen years-old and she looks, what -- eighteen, nineteen? Sweet.
MONEY
The average cost for a pack of cigs is about $5. Not bad. Start out with a measly pack a week and you’re only talking $260 a year. Don’t buy an ITouch and you’re even just like that. Sure, once the whole ‘addiction’ thing takes over, it’ll cost more. But that’s okay, you should be working by then anyway. Seriously, you should. Already have a job? Then simply adjust your spending habits. Like buying a car, for instance. Instead of getting that Ford Mustang you’ve had your eye on, just buy a Toyota Corolla. It may not look as appealing but don't worry -- the additional cool points you get from smoking will make up for the loss of car coolness. Now as you get older, there will be other monetary issues. (Try selling that car after you've been smoking in it. Next, try selling your house.) Health care and home insurance costs are greater for smokers, too. But those are lame things you’ll only have to worry about as an adult. That means starting to smoke as a teen is that much smarter!
(Oh! By the way, that whole ‘addiction’ thing I mentioned earlier? Not a big deal. Sure, reports say only 2.5% of smokers successfully quit each year, but that’s because those people are losers without willpower. They aren’t you. YOU can kick the habit, trust me. All those chemicals cigarette companies add to addict people just affect wusses.)
THE SMELL
A lot of people say cigarette smoke smells terrible. You might think so, too. Maybe it's true, but guess what? The smell is cool. As a matter of fact, I think the real reason people don't like to be around smokers isn't because they stink, but because smokers smell so alluring that just one whiff of them makes others want to smoke, too. No lie. Whoa! I just thought of something! If you smoke, you won’t have to buy cologne because you already have your own distinctive smell -- burned-out building. That means you’ll actually SAVE money. Take that, money argument!
THE TASTE
Okay, here’s the last item on my list. Smokers report that food doesn’t take as good as before they started smoking. Seems smoking deadens the taste buds. Well, never fear because the cigarette industry has responded. Introducing flavored cigarettes! (...Wait. Those were banned in a lot of places. What are they now? That's right...) Introducing flavored cigarillos! Some of the flavorings include, French vanilla, cherry, and grape. Yes, grape!! You know, when I was younger, I used to soak lumps of charcoal in grape Kool-aid and suck on them. Delicious! I bet those cigarillos taste similar. They're a little more expensive than regular cigarettes, but that’s okay. Instead of a Toyota Corolla, you can buy a used AMC Pacer. I know, not sexy at all, but come on! GRAPES!!
So there you have it. I’ve turned every possible anti-smoking argument into dust. So go ahead, light up. It’ll change your life.
And that's a promise.
MONEY
The average cost for a pack of cigs is about $5. Not bad. Start out with a measly pack a week and you’re only talking $260 a year. Don’t buy an ITouch and you’re even just like that. Sure, once the whole ‘addiction’ thing takes over, it’ll cost more. But that’s okay, you should be working by then anyway. Seriously, you should. Already have a job? Then simply adjust your spending habits. Like buying a car, for instance. Instead of getting that Ford Mustang you’ve had your eye on, just buy a Toyota Corolla. It may not look as appealing but don't worry -- the additional cool points you get from smoking will make up for the loss of car coolness. Now as you get older, there will be other monetary issues. (Try selling that car after you've been smoking in it. Next, try selling your house.) Health care and home insurance costs are greater for smokers, too. But those are lame things you’ll only have to worry about as an adult. That means starting to smoke as a teen is that much smarter!
(Oh! By the way, that whole ‘addiction’ thing I mentioned earlier? Not a big deal. Sure, reports say only 2.5% of smokers successfully quit each year, but that’s because those people are losers without willpower. They aren’t you. YOU can kick the habit, trust me. All those chemicals cigarette companies add to addict people just affect wusses.)
THE SMELL
A lot of people say cigarette smoke smells terrible. You might think so, too. Maybe it's true, but guess what? The smell is cool. As a matter of fact, I think the real reason people don't like to be around smokers isn't because they stink, but because smokers smell so alluring that just one whiff of them makes others want to smoke, too. No lie. Whoa! I just thought of something! If you smoke, you won’t have to buy cologne because you already have your own distinctive smell -- burned-out building. That means you’ll actually SAVE money. Take that, money argument!
THE TASTE
Okay, here’s the last item on my list. Smokers report that food doesn’t take as good as before they started smoking. Seems smoking deadens the taste buds. Well, never fear because the cigarette industry has responded. Introducing flavored cigarettes! (...Wait. Those were banned in a lot of places. What are they now? That's right...) Introducing flavored cigarillos! Some of the flavorings include, French vanilla, cherry, and grape. Yes, grape!! You know, when I was younger, I used to soak lumps of charcoal in grape Kool-aid and suck on them. Delicious! I bet those cigarillos taste similar. They're a little more expensive than regular cigarettes, but that’s okay. Instead of a Toyota Corolla, you can buy a used AMC Pacer. I know, not sexy at all, but come on! GRAPES!!
So there you have it. I’ve turned every possible anti-smoking argument into dust. So go ahead, light up. It’ll change your life.
And that's a promise.
Please note: No actual children were harmed in the making of this post. As for the old woman, she was butt ugly before I wrote this. And one more thing: Just to be clear to all thoses ASSes out there, in truth I think smoking is gross, really gross. Got that? Good. - Mom
photo credits:
cute little girl link
crusty old woman
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