Ahhh… the Winter Olympics. It’s so hard to say ‘goodbye’. I mean, who will ever forget when Lindsey Vonn won gold in the ladies’ downhill and bawled like a baby, or when Evan Lysacek won gold in men’s figure skating…and also bawled like a baby? They were both such inspiring examples of how - through dedication, patience, and an intense schedule requiring you to ignore all family and friends - you can realize your dreams of scoring an endorsement deal.
It’s hard to ignore such tales of victory, which is probably why the media focused on those instead of the smaller stories I’ve managed to dig up. Now they’re not quite as impressive as Shaun White pumping out a Double McTwist 1260 on the half pipe, but they’re slightly entertaining. Who knows, you might learn a lesson from these stories, too. After all, my purpose is to not only inform, but to enlighten.
So let’s take a look back at:
The 2010 Winter Olympics Most Forgettable (and wholly untrue) Moments:
1. Disgruntled tattoo parlor owner and Canadian bobsled enthusiast, Henry Fitzwinkle, ‘accidentally’ misinterprets German’s 2-man bobsled team request for Olympic Rings, instead marking each athlete’s butt cheek with picture of Tinkerbell picking her nose.
2. In freak curling accident, member of Denmark’s women’s team disemboweled with broom handle. Sport officials consider switch to Colgate spinbrushes.
3. Angry and disillusioned after repeated attempts to drink newly opened bottles of Coke from vending machine, young male athlete (nationality unknown) pulls out modified Super Soaker in middle of Olympic Village, spraying unsuspecting snowball throwers with stinging ice pellets.
4. After snagging suit on downhill flag, US skier Bode Miller’s back seam splits, revealing Darth Vader Underoos. His momentary embarrassment turns to joy upon landing $37.5 million dollar endorsement deal with the underwear company. (You see. I wasn’t kidding about the whole endorsement thing earlier!)
5. Pride of Korea/Olympic darling, Kim Yu-Na, stuns figure-skating crowd at Exhibition Gala when performs Madonna’s 1984 hit, “Like a Virgin,” wearing white, see-through catsuit. No wait! That was Johnny Weir. Sorry.
6. At US speed skating slumber party, 42-time Olympic medalist, Apolo Ohno, slices chin on dare to remove soul patch with skating blade. After blood splatters all over his Dora the Explorer pajamas, Shani Davis refuses to join everyone in ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board.’
It’s hard to ignore such tales of victory, which is probably why the media focused on those instead of the smaller stories I’ve managed to dig up. Now they’re not quite as impressive as Shaun White pumping out a Double McTwist 1260 on the half pipe, but they’re slightly entertaining. Who knows, you might learn a lesson from these stories, too. After all, my purpose is to not only inform, but to enlighten.
So let’s take a look back at:
The 2010 Winter Olympics Most Forgettable (and wholly untrue) Moments:
1. Disgruntled tattoo parlor owner and Canadian bobsled enthusiast, Henry Fitzwinkle, ‘accidentally’ misinterprets German’s 2-man bobsled team request for Olympic Rings, instead marking each athlete’s butt cheek with picture of Tinkerbell picking her nose.
2. In freak curling accident, member of Denmark’s women’s team disemboweled with broom handle. Sport officials consider switch to Colgate spinbrushes.
3. Angry and disillusioned after repeated attempts to drink newly opened bottles of Coke from vending machine, young male athlete (nationality unknown) pulls out modified Super Soaker in middle of Olympic Village, spraying unsuspecting snowball throwers with stinging ice pellets.
4. After snagging suit on downhill flag, US skier Bode Miller’s back seam splits, revealing Darth Vader Underoos. His momentary embarrassment turns to joy upon landing $37.5 million dollar endorsement deal with the underwear company. (You see. I wasn’t kidding about the whole endorsement thing earlier!)
5. Pride of Korea/Olympic darling, Kim Yu-Na, stuns figure-skating crowd at Exhibition Gala when performs Madonna’s 1984 hit, “Like a Virgin,” wearing white, see-through catsuit. No wait! That was Johnny Weir. Sorry.
6. At US speed skating slumber party, 42-time Olympic medalist, Apolo Ohno, slices chin on dare to remove soul patch with skating blade. After blood splatters all over his Dora the Explorer pajamas, Shani Davis refuses to join everyone in ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board.’
There are more stories out there, stories I’m sure touch people’s hearts, souls, and colons. Cherish them, my dears. Let them fill you with national pride. And, who knows? In four more years, maybe you’ll be living the dream and participating in the Olympics yourself? Or maybe you’ll just be like me, sitting on the couch watching TV with a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos on your lap. Either way, I’m sure those games will be remembered for years to come, too - unlike my post, which will be forgotten right about...now.
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