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Swimsuits and waterparks

3/19/2012

21 Comments

 
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My family just got back from a swimming adventure in the Wisconsin Dells, a place that has so many water parks it’s not only the water park capital of the world but, as evidenced by the graphic, The Water Park Capital of the World!®

I have to say, it was nice knowing the kids were finally at the age where I didn’t have to watch them every second for fear they might drown,* and I’m happy to report that despite all of the long slung swimsuits I saw, the only butt crack I witnessed was on the back of Moosejaw’s pizza delivery van:

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How'd you like to drive behind that?

Anyway, given that it's Spring Break season and, therefore, swimsuit time for many, I thought I'd share a few tips and observations about swimsuit selection and waterpark behavior. First off, though, if you are older and plan on a wet and wild trip with friends and not family, for god's sake, please click here for some important safety tips.

Okay, then. Here I go:

For starters, (and I'm not saying this from personal experience...well, actually I am, but still), if you're wearing an old suit with leg hole elastic as loose and flappy as Steven Tyler’s lips, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- attempt the body slides unless you are prepared for full cheek exposure. If you’re body-sliding in a bikini, it goes without saying: keep your arms crossed over your chest.

Don't buy a white suit, even if it's cute, 90% off the retail price and you have a coupon burning a hole in your Hello Kitty wallet. If you plan on getting wet, you'll regret your choice. Please don't ask me to explain further.

If you choose to wear a va-va-va-voom swimsuit, remember that you might not just catch the eye of that cute guy in the hot tub but that creppy guy on the other side of the hot tub, too. No means no, and all of that jazz. Just realize that you can't always choose the type of attention you want to receive -- a point that's true no matter what you wear.

Shoulders back, people! Girls who walk around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame look like they are embarrassed by their bodies and have zero confidence in themselves. I don't care how big or small your chest is, how tall or short you are, or whatever real or imagined situation you've got going on, keep your back straight.

Wearing full make up at a water park just looks downright silly. A little waterproof mascara, maybe some waterproof eyeliner are no problem as long as their used sparingly. But bright green eye shadow and glittery lip gloss? It's a water park, for cripes sake!

And finally, let me note that I saw hundreds of people and NOT ONE looked like they’d walked off the pages of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Granted, that’s not always the case. So called ‘perfect’ bodies do exist. But if you don’t think you’ve got one, don’t sweat it. When I was younger, I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked when, truthfully, I was the only one who really cared. Just having fun and smiling improves your appearance 100%.

Anyway, that's my advice. Feel free to leave some of your own. I hope you have (or had) a nice break!
Personally, I'm just glad no one died. If you know my family, you'll know I'm not kidding. Well, I'm kind of kidding.


* Actually, one of my kids almost drowned, but I telling you that so soon into the post just made me feel like a failure as a mother. We still had fun.

Photo credit: Jackie Murphy
(Side note: You KNOW you have the coolest mother-in-law when she takes a picture of a moose's butt for you without even batting an eye. Thanks for embracing the zaniness, Jackie. You rock!
21 Comments
TJ Lubrano link
3/19/2012 07:05:10 am

Hahaha that's one big buttcrack! Goodness!

Glad you had fun, Janene! I don't get the whole ' white swimsuit' either, it gets dirty after a very short while and it's probably only good for photoshoots or just sitting near a pool, basically doing nothing...I dislike doing nothing and just sitting on a beach :|

What do you think about...speedos?? Hehe ^_^

Reply
Mom link
3/19/2012 07:18:55 am

Oh, I think you know what I think. Yikes! It's funny, when I was in Europe I didn't think about it too much, but in the States speedos are a no-no. At least in my eyes.

And you're right about white. One of the big problems is they start to look dirty so quickly. Ever seen a white dishtowel? Case in point!

Reply
Tricia link
3/19/2012 07:45:21 am

i totally slouch. What IS that!? It doesn't hide anything, it looks worse. :)

And TJ? Speedos are NEVER ok. This is America. Most of us are fat. Speedos are unacceptable. Always. :)

Reply
Mom link
3/19/2012 08:01:31 am

Don't slouch! You are way too cool for that, my dear and you're right, it does look worse. When I slouch my belly looks so Budda-like. I wish I could stretch three inches taller instead.

As for everything you said about Speedos? AMEN!

Reply
TJ Lubrano link
3/21/2012 05:07:12 am

Hahahah my apologies for bringing it up!! :D

Reply
Ian - Slap The Penguin link
3/19/2012 11:51:00 am

Thanks for the tips. I am being dragged to the Dells this coming August. There will be 10 of us crammed into a log cabin on the edge of Lake Wannapeebadly.

My swimsuit will be a rather flattering knee length heavy cotton swimshort with a double tie and extra strength elastic. There will be no BC showing when I slide.

As far as slouching goes. I agree. Ladies...shoulders back, chins up, buttocks clenched and chests proudly out.

Reply
Mom link
3/19/2012 09:30:19 pm

Sounds like you'll be stylin' for your trip. No Speedo. Yay! I betting you'll have a great time, too. As for chins up? Absolutely! Not so sure about the butt clenching, though. And the chests proudly out? Man, you are such a guy!! :)

Reply
Jayme link
3/19/2012 12:19:37 pm

Glad you all had fun. :]
I had a white swim suit when I was younger, it was double lined and didnt show through. But a few times at the beach and it was gray.
--The one I did have problems with was the string bikini. :[

Reply
Mom link
3/19/2012 09:33:00 pm

Hooray for double lining! Unfortunately, not all white suits are so protected and, yes, they get dirty so dang easily. You look like a dirty dish rag after just a few days! And I had to laugh at string bikinis. I remember tying triple knots, which looked totally ridiculous.

Reply
nothingprofound link
3/19/2012 10:44:47 pm

I love water parks. So many fond memories of going there with my daughter. One of the best is when she won a stuffed bear that had to be at least five foot tall and two feet around. We were on our way home from vacation and already had a packed car. So we laid it across the back seat and she sat on top of it the whole way home.

Reply
Mom link
3/19/2012 10:52:58 pm

How precious! We have a 'family bear' that is about 4 feet tall. When the kids were younger, we took it on trips, too. When I complained that there wouldn't be enough room in the car my kids would say, "He has to come. He's family!"

Reply
Felicia link
3/20/2012 12:46:40 am

Haha! This post cracked me up and made my day! I cannot wait to be able to go to the waterparks, but it's still a bit too cold here. I have to say that I COMPLETELY agree with you on how wearing make up to waterparks is just plain silly. I never understood it and just shake my head at people who do it.

Either way, fantastic post with some geat information!

Reply
Mom link
3/20/2012 01:29:06 am

Thanks, Felicia! I'm glad you agree about the make up thing. It just looks so out of place and, dare I say, a little desperate, too? Enjoy the waterparks once it warms up. I love those big tube rides!

Reply
zobop republic link
3/20/2012 01:16:37 am

I haven't been to Wisconsin Dells since the late 1970's. [Showing my age! ;-) ]

I wonder if the Native Americans still put on a perfomance.

Reply
Mom link
3/20/2012 01:30:39 am

You know, I'm not sure about that. I will tell you that it's MUCH different than the 1970s, though they still have the Original Wisconsin Ducks and Tommy Barlett shows. Oldies but goodies -- both of them!

Reply
Cher Duncombe link
3/21/2012 04:38:28 am

Great advice, Janene! And you are right on all counts. Make-up at a swimming venue of any kind looks absurd. And while I am sure there are perfect bodies out there, when everyone is having a fantastic time, the body doesn't matter that much. I was so nervous about going to the Bahamas a few years ago and not looking "perfect," which is a silly thought anyway. After a few Coco Locos, I thought everyone looked fab, including me! :)

Reply
Mom link
3/21/2012 04:46:00 am

Glad you agree. I always try to remember that I'm my worst critic and people have better things to do than think about me. And it sounds like we need to have a few more Coco Locos in this world. I'm glad you had a great time, and I'm sure you DID look fab!

Reply
Jen link
3/21/2012 07:42:07 am

My 8th grade graduation trip was to a waterslide park, and one of the chaperones (a classmate's mom) was wearing a white swimsuit. She got out of the water and, well, you could see EVERYTHING. The 60's was alive and well in her nether-regions if you know what I mean.

Reply
Mom link
3/21/2012 09:37:32 am

Oh, man! That must have been horrifying. Like I said, say 'no' to white swimsuits. It's never a good thing!

Reply
Kyle link
3/21/2012 08:33:48 am

Haha, I love the picture, and the tips! I cant wait until it's warm enough over here for us to go swimming outdoors. Can't wait!

Reply
Mom link
3/21/2012 09:39:11 am

Nothing like a moose's butt crack to make you hungry for pizza! :) I can't wait for swimming weather, too. It'll be here before we know it!

Reply



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