Summer stress

6/12/2012

Summer is here and school is out, which means my life is officially crazy. Sure, I can sleep in a little more and the burden of hounding the kids about homework has stopped, but those things don’t support my argument. So instead, let's focus on all the extra meal-making and chauffeuring I have to do. To make it easier, I tried to get a new car for my daughter, but the dealership refused the trade. ;) Seriously, though, I'd like to talk about the hardest thing there is about summer: the pressure to make sure my kids are ‘productive.’

It seems summers, these days, are less about relaxation and more about getting ahead.

It’s weird. We’ve got a lot of kids in our neighborhood but I rarely see them around. They’re all at camps, classes, and practices to increase their skills -- make them stronger, smarter, better. I’m curious, am I the only one who thinks this is strange? When did the bar get set so high? When did pick up baseball games at the local park turn into daily practice and weekend tournaments three hours away? Kids are taking ACTs when they’re sophomores, or younger. Private tutoring is a booming business. Plus it seems like a parent’s social status revolves more around their kids’ accomplishments than their own. That’s a lot of pressure -- for both parents and kids - -causing headaches all around. Plus we all know the higher we raise our expectations, the greater our chances for disappointment.

I know, I know. Global competition is fierce. The economic gap is widening. A lot of parents are worried that their kids won’t grow up to have lives as good as what they’ve got right now. Parents want to give their kids a fighting chance, but are they giving them ulcers, too? And this ‘program for success’ we’re feeding them, does it allow their independence and creativity to blossom?

I wish I knew the answer to all of this, but I don’t. I just know I don’t like it. But if I boycott this movement toward over-parenting, will that put my kids at a disadvantage? Kids today seem smarter and more talented than they’ve ever been before. Still, statistically, half of them are below average. Scary thought?

Anyway, I’m curious to hear what you think about this. Got a moment? Give me your thoughts!

28 Comments

PBScott link

6/12/2012 02:26:29 am

Hi Janene,

I think you know how I feel.

I feel consumerism and competition are crazy, however I have been pushing my son pretty hard to get his school work done, and done well. I told him that the harder he works now, the more he will make later, and the faster he can escape the Rat Race.

Keep pushing them I say, but make sure they know you love them, spend real hours of quality fun time with them so they always feel they can talk to you, and don't push them into anything that will make them unsafe.

Stress is a necessary part of our crazy world, and sheltering from them may not be the best sort of conditioning for their future.

Mom link

6/12/2012 02:32:55 am

So glad to see you here! And that last line about sheltering kids from stress is the kicker, and what's got me so conflicted. I want to see my kids succeed, and it's definitely hard to do today. Does that suck? Yes. But that doesn't keep it from being the truth. I still remember this quote I read in a book about 'Leave No Child Behind.' Now, they said, it's more like 'Leave No Child Unscrutinized and Unevaluated.' Our country's scrambling to stay ahead of the curve.

PBScott link

6/12/2012 02:45:49 am

I just reread the last line and noticed it hardly made sense, what I meant to say was:

"Stress seems to be a necessary part of today's crazy world, and sheltering them from it, may not be the best sort of conditioning for their future."

I do not think stress is a good thing, but sadly it gets results most of the time, and if your not going to do it to your kids, they will stand less of a chance of doing well in life. Until our world makes some sort of sane shift into happiness over "Productivity" we will all have to live within its unhappy confines.

Mom link

6/12/2012 02:49:39 am

I understood what you meant and have to agree but, like you, I do it grudgingly. It's a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Sigh.

nothingprofound link

6/12/2012 02:48:00 am

Janene, I can't speak for anyone else. But I've never believed in making sacrifices for the future. It's here and now that one must live and find one's pleasure. We've only got so many days on this earth and I can't see wasting a single one in fear or regret. Personally, I feel the best gift parents can give their kids is to let them be free and not worry about them.

Mom link

6/12/2012 02:56:41 am

I understand where you're coming from. Kids need to be given the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of 'now.' Still, I want them to understand that if they want certain things they're going to have to work to get them. And I do worry about my kids. I try not to show it as much as I feel it. I just want them to have a sense that I care. It's so hard to strike the right balance between guiding them and letting them find their own path. Argh!

nothingprofound link

6/12/2012 03:31:02 am

Janene, then your kids will have to decide what's more important: getting those "things" or living a simpler, less stressful life.

Mom link

6/12/2012 03:34:09 am

Very true, NP. Very true.

Rum Punch Drunk link

6/12/2012 02:52:54 am

Thank God you have kids in your neighbourhood that you don't see because they are busy doing extra curriculum stuff. The opposite side to the story is the kids who you do see that are out on the streets at night causing anti-social behaviour, smashing cars, robbing good folk, fighting and such like activities.

On the other hand, Yes, there is a number of parents who hound their children almost to death, to do more and more. There is a lot of pressure to achieve but that's because when you get into the real world there is major competition. Maybe the parents need the classes more than the child!

I think it is very hard for parents to get the right balance. ' All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. When school is over, just let the kids play and relax before the next term. A happy relaxed child will do better than a child who has been overworked. My thoughts only but I could be entirely wrong. Great post and interesting.

Mom link

6/12/2012 03:00:12 am

You raise an excellent point. There are a lot of kids out there with little or no guidance that are simply lost. For every kid wishing their parents would just back off I bet there's a kid who wishee their parents cared. You're so right. It's hard to get the right balance, especially since things are so different today than when we were growing up.

Darling brother

6/12/2012 03:10:05 am

If I were raising kids in this day and age, I tell them to forget all about schools, tests, jobs, and the like and focus on making things, Kickstarting things, and being creative. In the end, creativity is what will separate them from everyone else. I'd teach them to embrace failure-- not fear it. Fail, but fail fast. Learn from the experiences... don't learn from books.

I'd tell them to take up every tool they can lay their hands on and learn how to use it. Break it, take it apart, put it back together again.

Classes? Tutors? Those things should just fill in the gaps, the grease that slicks their rotors.

Mom link

6/12/2012 03:22:31 am

What an interesting perspective. You know, creativity/ingenuity has always been what's kept the US ahead. And I think we're losing that. Kids are just plugged into programs, many of them sports-related. I know how hard it is to afford colleges these days and many parents see excelling in sports as the best way in, but I think it can be a disservice. As for embracing failure? Right on! Too many hovering parents don't want to see their kids fail -- or even come in second place! They want WINNERS. Well, the experience of losing is just as important to create future winners. I feel strongly about that.

SprigBlossoms link

6/12/2012 03:50:18 am

I agree, Janene, the bars are getting raised every day through competition. That amounts to a lot of pressure for all of us, and unfortunately, the kids as well. I have always felt that learning takes patience. The best experience of learning is when you enjoy it, and it's the fastest way too. Growing up, I hated the competition in school, and how everything was ranked and judged. It's a whole lot easier when you simply follow your interests, and compete only with yourself.

Mom link

6/12/2012 04:11:45 am

Learning does take patience -- something we seem to be sorely lacking these days. And I agree, following your interests and competing with yourself is a great way to learn and grow in a direction that will make you happy and competitive in your chosen field. There seems to be less and less room for that these days.

TJ Lubrano link

6/12/2012 03:57:18 am

Ciao Ciao!! I find it quite interesting to some point. When I was younger, I was often outside, just playing e.g. hide & seek, reading A LOT of books and I don't know what else. Going to summer camp and things like that isn't that common here, at least not common where I grew up. Now, I see a lot of kids just hanging around outside, not doing something useful and for those I do wish they did a bit more than that as it's is like you said, the bar to succeed in society now is set very high. It's odd though as a kid can't be a kid for a long period of time as responsibility of career etc. kicks in very early. There's no real balance in this entire situation. I wonder what will happen in a few years time. I do know that you can make things work for yourself even if you have a different mindset than most people around you. Yes, you have to work hard, conquer obstacles, but usually these are the people that make a difference in society. I've no doubt, you're a great Mom to your kids, Janene, and that you'll provide them enough guidance whenever they need it ^_^

Mom link

6/12/2012 04:17:49 am

That's so true. Kids can't be kids as long as they used to back in the day, though I wonder if 'back in the day' was just a blip? We only have to go back 100 years or so and kids were working at young ages to help put food on the table.

I like what you said about the ability to make things work for you if you have a different mindset. I mean, look at you! You're an example of both following your bliss and finding a way to make it work. Here's to the creative mind!

Lori link

6/12/2012 04:16:46 am

Wow...this all sounds so familiar...my mother did the exact same thing to me and my sister (all the extra tutoring, extra curricular activities, etc, etc to keep us busy during the summers and breaks) I think it depends on each child. Some may enjoy all of the business and some children may enjoy being home and learning about home economics or being part of a reading club instead. It's so to gauge our children though, having thoughts of what other parents are doing to their kids. As crazy as this sounds, I think that parenting is like running a chemistry experiment. jot down what you're going to do for the summer one year and place your kids in some petri dishes. Then at the end of the summer, ask the kids if they liked it or not and then do something different or the same next year. Sound reasoning and making decisions early on I think is one of the most important things you can teach a kid. If they can trust in their own senses, they are ready for the real world.

Mom link

6/12/2012 04:23:40 am

Like a chemistry experiment? I like that! You're right. Communication with your kids is really key. Some DO like the hustle and bustle. After all, we're all different. We learn differently, like different levels of activity, have stronger tendencies to screw off if given the chance. ;) I know each of my kids are different. I love the idea of sitting down with them at summer's end. I wonder what they'll say?

Nicone link

6/12/2012 05:55:04 am

Interesting question, Janene!

This past year I´ve been living in Italy with my four kids. One of the things that have been really different for us, is the lack of extra curricular activities! My ten year old son is obviously thriving, and is learning stuff like origami, magic tricks, etc, on youtube, and he is writing poetry like never before. While the other ones might have benefitted from some more guided activities - this is obviously very good for him!

I don´t know about anyone else, but as a parent I feel like I´m not "doing my job" properly if the kids aren't enrolled in this and that, but at times it puts quite a strain on the family.

I remember when I was a kid - how I loved to do nothing (like Winnie the Pooh), which was actually a bit of reading, thinking, writing, playing, and relaxing. That is why I refuse to feel sorry for them if my kids complain about being bored... I just proclaim it is healthy for them! (totally annoying, naturally:)

Mom link

6/12/2012 07:15:22 am

What an absolutely fantastic experience for your kids, and in one of my very favorite countries to boot! (pun intended) I'm like you. I worry about not doing my job if the kids aren't enrolled in lots of things. But doing 'nothing' as you described: thinking, writing, playing, etc. has so many merits, too. I feel so strongly that we shouldn't lose that. My big issue? If I let them, my kids would be on the computer all day.That's where I've had to set limits. It's not easy, I must say, and I have to do a better job of it. That I admit. There are so many frivolous distractions, though I'd guess parents of the Fifties would say the same of listening to rock n' roll.

Darling Brother-in-Law

6/12/2012 10:53:48 pm

Janene,

With regards to stress, I think that stress is a natural part of life. Obviously too much stress is a bad thing but stress can urge us to do our best and to work hard. Even when we are doing something we love there is a bit of stess. We have all heard of performers who say that they are nervous before going on stage but that stress helps them to put on a great show.
With regards to kids having free time vs. structured time, this is a pretty recent phenomenon. In years past, most kids that were not in school were working on the farms and children were seen as free labor. When we moved away from farms and had more mechanized agriculture things changed.
I have let my children choose the activities that they want to do for as long as they want to do them. Theater, tennis, computer programming whatever. Some of it is structured some of it is not.
I think that school and college is important for most kids but only to provide them with a framework for how to write, speak in public and go about solving problems. The grades are inconsequential. When you started writing this blog or began your writing career did somebody ask to look at your transcripts? Creativity and the letting kids fail is extremely important. We have changed failure into a dirty word. Edison, Lincoln, the Wright brothers, Einstein..all failures. The easiest way to not fail...just don't do anything. If you are not going to be an instant success then don't even try. Of course this is nonsense but it tends to be the way some people think of things. Let kids learn by doing, let them fail, let them pursue the things that make them happy.Let them be bored and find their own way in a safe, loving environment. They will grow up and do OK regardless of the amount of worrying we parents do.

Mom link

6/13/2012 01:29:23 am

Thanks for the comment! You bring up an interesting point. The concept of just being a teenager and hanging out are fairly recent phenomena in the great scheme of things. I'd didn't really start until the 1950s or so. Kids grew up a lot faster in terms of having responsibilities and needing to work.

As for school grades? I wouldn't go so far as to say their inconsequential. My good grades in high school led to my getting into a good college and my good grades there led to my landing my first job. But you make a good point. The life skills you learn in school are what's most important. The grades you get are not necessarily reflective of what you can do in the real world. Like you said, the ability to write, speak and solve problems effectively are key.

And I'm so glad to see people talk about allowing room for failure. You mentioned Thomas Edison. I love his line about the light bulb: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." You're right, it's better try and fail than not try at all.

zobop republic link

6/13/2012 02:32:23 am

We live in a world of intense competition. Some people can make on talent and drive alone. Others, (gulp) sell their soul to gain an advantage. Tough choice for adults. Tougher choice for the youth.

I use to hear the phrase, "fake it till you make it." I never believed that. You can only cheat so much and so far.

Well, that's my 2 cents. Good post! :)

Mom link

6/13/2012 05:04:46 am

The whole "fake it till you make it" thing never appealed to me, either, though I do believe in dressing for success. As for people selling their souls? I've seen it, never done it and am thankful I never have. You can smell it on those who have. It stinks.

kris landt link

6/13/2012 05:51:11 am

Janene,
My kids are grown, and luckily, their summers were relatively carefree, just like mine were. I've definitely noticed the "pressure-cooker" trend you've described, and I wonder how productive these uber-busy kids really are. My own nephews were pushed constantly: sports, straight As, always on-the-go, always busy, busy, busy. Not surprisingly, my sister's oldest son, who is a genius and has always had a 4.0, is having a lot of problems with depression, and he's only 22 years old. I don't view my children as extensions of myself, and have never pushed them in any one direction. I have supported them in developing their own interests, and both of them are talented musicians with "day jobs" and very nice personalities. That's my two cents. I enjoyed your blog a lot; this is a really important topic!
Kris

Mom link

6/13/2012 06:56:03 am

Your oldest nephew isn't the only one out there. From what I've read, there's been quite an increase in both depression and anxiety for young adults. I can't help but wonder if the two topics are related. I can't imagine going full-speed from such an early age and being able to continue it before getting jaded or just plain worn out. As it's been mentioned before, it depends on the kid, but that's a statement that worries me. Is the fact that a kid isn't that way a sign of weakness? I don't think so, but I worry other parents will. Like you said, they want uber children. What happens when their kids can't measure up?

Melody link

6/13/2012 07:29:13 am

Hmmmm... a lot to think about here. |n my stint as piano teacher, I often had students falling asleep on the bench (literally!) during lessons. (And not ALL because I am boring...) I know of some families where their kids are so busy it makes me tired just thinking about it - and then others who don't seem to recognize or champion their kids' natural talents. To me it comes down to balance, and understanding your child. Some need to be kept busier than others. ALL need some space to unwind and breathe from time to time! I think many parents find their own worth in what their kids can achieve, which is nonsense. Identify and explore their talents - yes, but allow them to be kids while they do it!

Mom link

6/13/2012 07:34:59 am

You're right. All parents aren't the same. Some push too hard. Others don't push enough. It IS all about balance, isn't it? As well as letting them be their own person, following their dreams and not their parents'. Thanks for commenting. I loved what you said!

Summer stress

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