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Lost in translation: Austria

2/21/2013

10 Comments

 
skiing storm trooper
Before I dive into this story, you have to know that I loved Swarovski crystal figurines. In fact, every time our family goes on a trip, I get a piece to commemorate our travels. If it's a small trip, I usually get a small figurine. If it's a big trip, I get a big one.   When Rick and I took a trip to Austria's Salzburg and Vienna, I got a big one: a crystal piano.

Now back in the day before kids, Rick and I used to travel quite a bit. If we'd bought crystal for each trip it would have put us in the poor house so we decided that some trips didn't wouldn't warrant it.

The tale I'm going to tell you now to tell you is about one of those crystal-free trips.

It was 1993 and we had just moved to Germany. Rick was especially pumped. "We're so close to the Alps!" he would say. "I can't wait to go skiing!" Um...yeah.

You see, I wasn't a skier. Not even a little. Sure, I had skied a couple of times, but both had been on small Wisconsin hills. And even then I'd sucked. We're talking black-and-blue-butt sucked. Still, Rick loved skiing. I knew my destiny was doomed.

The first Thanksgiving we were out there, Rick made arrangements for us to go skiing with friends at Steinplatte Ski Resort in Austria. Man, was I nervous. Before we went, I told Rick I wanted lessons from a ski school instructor. Rick balked, "Lessons? You don't need no stinkin' lessons," he replied with Blazing Saddles flourish. Rick was an expert skier. He could easily teach me. Why throw good money away?

When we arrived at the ski lodge, I brought up the subject again. I may have even begged.. "Rick, you have no idea how bad I am. I really think I need lessons."

Rick still brushed it aside. "Well, you have no idea how good of a skier I am. Trust me, you'll be fine."

The next morning, after I composed my last will and testament, we suited up and hit the hills. As we rode up the chair lift, I swore the mountain grew before our eyes. It got bigger and bigger. Taller and taller. There was no way I'd make it back down. Just getting off the chair lift proved too great. As soon as I skied off the bench, I landed on my butt.

"Don't worry," Rick said with the gusto of a cheerleader trying to will their losing team to win. "Chair lifts aren't easy the first few times. You'll be fine on the hill. Just follow me."

We started going down the mountain and I did follow him for about ten seconds or so. Problem was, I didn't know how to stop or slow down. Before I knew it I was way ahead of him. And I was going fast -- too fast -- and a big turn was coming up. I screamed back to Rick, "How do I stop?" Rick bolted forward, doing his best to catch up with me. I forgot what he told me to do.

What I do remember is the mountain. You know those banked turns that keep you from skiing off a cliff? Well, this ski run didn't have one. As for those fences that catch you if you do run off a cliff? Nope. Didn't have those either. As I careened toward the turn I couldn't make, I realized what would happen if I didn't stop. I'd Wile E. Coyote off the cliff and then plummet to my death.

HOLY HAND GRENADES!

Rick realized it, too. "Just crash!" he yelled. Now that's something I could do well. Just shy of the cliff I tumbled backward --  a sea of arms, legs, skis and poles.

It wasn't pretty. When Rick caught up to me, a slew of creative and crude expletives burst from my mouth. He just stood there, stunned. Then he smiled at me rather sheepishly. "How would you feel about getting some lessons?"

Needless to say, I got a HUGE crystal figurine for that trip.


10 Comments
nothingprofound link
2/21/2013 08:07:53 am

Janene, sounds a little suspicious to me. Did you check to make sure Rick wasn't carrying a hefty Life Insurance policy (yours) in his pocket?

Reply
Mom link
2/21/2013 09:56:43 am

Ha ha! I wonder...
Seriously, neither of us expected to find the slope to have zero safety precautions. I hope they do now!

Reply
Helena Fortissima link
2/21/2013 10:29:08 am

I grew up water-skiing, but have never snow-skied. I'd have been nervous, too! You TOTALLY deserved that Swarowski crystal, girl! I hope you remind your husband often that you could've ended up like Sonny Bono or Natasha Richardson! ;-)

Reply
Mom link
2/21/2013 11:01:49 pm

I'd water-skiied before but wasn't very good at that, either. I was doomed from the get-go. And, boy, did Rick feel awful. He'd had no idea how crazy that mountain was going to be. Still, I milked the situation for all that it was worth. :)

Reply
PBScott link
2/21/2013 03:45:03 pm

I once followed a group of friends into a double black diamond run that was labeled out of bounds that day, it was my first run down a hill in five years, and I was very out of practice, after a couple of wipe outs into exposed stumps, over rocks, and into a creek, my friends got tired of waiting and abandon me there.

I did make it down and back to the lift finally, with damaged skis and a few bruises, and low and behold my friends were actually there were there waiting for me.I guess my story is similar to yours in the way that neither of us should have followed "trusted" advisement when skiing.

Reply
Mom link
2/21/2013 11:04:31 pm

Holy guacamole! I'm glad you made it down that slope. Black diamonds make me shudder. I'm proud to say that I've progressed to blue runs and it only took me twenty years to do it!

Reply
zobop republic link
2/22/2013 12:30:04 am

I'm so glad you lived to tell this story. :-)
I'm reminded of the South Park episode when Stan learns to ski by an instrutor: French Fries; Pizza. LOL!

Reply
Mom link
2/22/2013 12:41:54 am

Sounds like that's an episode I'll have to watch!

Reply
Annie link
2/22/2013 01:13:39 am

OMG, that is frightening! I was right there with you...careening down that slope and then crashing in a yard sale of ski equipment. Glad you made it down alive, got some lessons and a HUGE Swarovski. Fun post.

Reply
Mom link
2/22/2013 02:56:45 am

It was incredibly frightening. So glad I lived to tell the tale. Glad I got the crystal, too. ;)

Reply



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