Lessons from Mom: Math and "Jersey Shore"

With spring break in full-swing for our family, I must say that - although I know kids need a break from school - I am greatly concerned about the education of our youth. As quoted in Mothers Greatly Concerned About the Education of Our Youth magazine, out of 189 countries, American girls rank 271st in math.* Feeling the call to action, I designed a simple math lesson with the hope of bridging this horrific gap.

Through the combination of MTV’s craptastic reality show “Jersey Shore” (kind of spring break/beach-themey)  and carefully selected food products, I hope to capture your academic attention and, thereby, improve national math scores by .006%.  

Anyway, without further ado, allow me to introduce:

MOM’s LESSON in ACADEMICS: featuring Math and the "Jersey Shore” Cast

Pauly D
+

One bottle tobasco sauce
=

Holiday Icon/All-Around Crab
HEAT MISER


.

Ronnie
-

Two Juice Boxes
=

I know, Ricky. It's concerning.

1999's Latin Pop Sensation
RICKY MARTIN

.

JWOWW
-

Two cantaloupes
+

One bear-skin rug
=

Mankini sporting
BORAT


.

Snooki
+

Four oranges
+

2.5 inches
=

One Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
OOMPA LOOMPA


And finally....
(warning: this one's tricky)

Shh! He's trying to read!

Mike "The Situation"
x

Fourteen Crumbled Cherry PopTarts
=

calculating...







almost got it...

ZERO
Remember: Mike “the Situation” =  0
Therefore, multiplying him by anything still equals zero

So there you have it.  By absorbing this information, you have raised your IQ by .014%. My job here is done.  Now go ahead and play some mindless videogames or something.
 

 * In the effort of esteem building I must confess that this fact is pure sensationalistic journalism and, therefore, blatantly untrue.  Girls rank 270th.