It’s Homecoming weekend for our school district. (Yippee!) Due to this, I feel compelled to remind students of the Leave No Wild Child Behind Act. Brought in as companion legislation to the Leave No Child Behind Act of 2002, this act focuses on behaviorally-challenged females in non-academic situations, mandating the following:
If a female has rendered herself judgement-impaired, be it via a lemonade-induced malaise or simple case of temporary stupidity, under no circumstance should they be abandoned or given the go-ahead to engage in activity that may result in the their harm, harassment, or future embarrassment. Examples include but are not limited to:
- Going to a party and accepting a proposal to enter the party giver’s parent’s bedroom or otherwise private, confined space with a member of the opposite sex whom they do not know well, even if they have been crushing on that person for a while.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot and deciding they seem okay enough to take a quick ride in their car.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot and deciding they seem okay enough to accompany during a quick walk around the block.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot…blah blah blah, you get the idea:
If a female has rendered herself judgement-impaired, be it via a lemonade-induced malaise or simple case of temporary stupidity, under no circumstance should they be abandoned or given the go-ahead to engage in activity that may result in the their harm, harassment, or future embarrassment. Examples include but are not limited to:
- Going to a party and accepting a proposal to enter the party giver’s parent’s bedroom or otherwise private, confined space with a member of the opposite sex whom they do not know well, even if they have been crushing on that person for a while.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot and deciding they seem okay enough to take a quick ride in their car.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot and deciding they seem okay enough to accompany during a quick walk around the block.
- Meeting someone at a party/game/7-Eleven parking lot…blah blah blah, you get the idea:
girl + guy + isolated environment + impaired state = bad.
girl + guy + isolated environment + no impaired state?
Sorry. It still equals stupid.
girl + guy + isolated environment + no impaired state?
Sorry. It still equals stupid.
Additionally, under no circumstances should said female be allowed to pose in any state of undress in front of a photo device. This includes video cameras, cell phones, and the security camera embedded in the ATM outside of Walgreens.
Please note, this individual may not be judged by the quality of their appearance, the amount of lemonade they have consumed, or any statements they may have made prior in the evening. In addition, any statements or claims made by the individual during their attempt to proceed, to include, “I know what I’m doing,” “Go on without me, I’m fine,” or “Leave me alone, you’re not my mother,” will be rendered insufficient cause to continue.
On the flip side, if the phrase, “She deserves what she gets,” is uttered at any time by a female witness in close proximity to the situation, said female is to be dubbed a traitor to their sex and shunned until such time as they make amends.
Here’s the thing, guys: we all act stupid on occasion and sometimes what we fantasize about in our heads ends up being a downright scary situation in reality. Don’t let your fellow females down. Protect each other. As rock legend/sage advisor, Pat Benetar, once said, “love is a battlefield.” Your girlfriends are your fellow soldiers. When you go out as a team, you return as a team, leaving no wild child behind.
Be safe out there, troops. I don’t want any casualties.
Not this weekend. Not ever.
Please note, this individual may not be judged by the quality of their appearance, the amount of lemonade they have consumed, or any statements they may have made prior in the evening. In addition, any statements or claims made by the individual during their attempt to proceed, to include, “I know what I’m doing,” “Go on without me, I’m fine,” or “Leave me alone, you’re not my mother,” will be rendered insufficient cause to continue.
On the flip side, if the phrase, “She deserves what she gets,” is uttered at any time by a female witness in close proximity to the situation, said female is to be dubbed a traitor to their sex and shunned until such time as they make amends.
Here’s the thing, guys: we all act stupid on occasion and sometimes what we fantasize about in our heads ends up being a downright scary situation in reality. Don’t let your fellow females down. Protect each other. As rock legend/sage advisor, Pat Benetar, once said, “love is a battlefield.” Your girlfriends are your fellow soldiers. When you go out as a team, you return as a team, leaving no wild child behind.
Be safe out there, troops. I don’t want any casualties.
Not this weekend. Not ever.
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