MOMS are from MARS
  • HOME
  • Things Your Mom Will Never Say: The Top 20
    • MOM'S BLOG
  • MY BOOK - Extraordinary: Light vs. Dark
  • Your Horoscope
  • Why does Mom DO that?
  • A Heartfelt Letter of Apology
  • MY BOOK: Moms are from Mars
  • What Type of Mom Do You Have?
    • Mom's Mish Mash
  • Cute Keyboard Characters
    • MY BOOK - Enlightened: Light vs. Dark
    • Cards for Mom
  • Contact Me
Follow me!

Learn a New Language

11/4/2010

18 Comments

 
Picture
One of my favorite things about teenagers is how open they are with their feelings. They tell everybody everything, from their secret crushes to how worried they are about that photo that was taken last weekend by one of their friends….

Why continue? You know I’m joking.

Sharing how you feel can be really hard, especially when you’re a teen. I remember feeling a sort of disconnect with people a lot of times, particularly those close to me.  Thus my topic for today.

You’ll have to bear with me, because the name of the book I’m about to share sounds totally lame. It’s called, ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. Actually, there are quite a few of them out there, ranging from ‘The Five Love Languages of Children’ to ‘The Five Love Languages of the Sumatran Orangutan.’ All right,  the last one’s a lie. Still, the books are fascinating.

They talk about the five different ways people like to be loved. (Note: I know talking about love isn’t easy for a lot of teens, so from here on out I’m going to swap out that word and use ‘appreciation.’)

Different people feel ‘appreciated’ different ways. If you can figure out what type of person someone is, you can figure out how to best show them appreciation. They can do the same for you. Here's a brief description of each type:


Words of Affirmation - People who fall into this category feel most appreciated through unsolicited compliments and kind words. Insults send them down the drain.

Quality Time- These people love your full attention, spending quality time with you. If you’re not around much, or you are but always texting friends and ignoring half they say, it hurts.

Receiving Gifts - Don’t confuse this with people who just like to get stuff. This group really appreciates the thought and effort that goes into the gift they received. It shows that the giver ‘knows’ them and cares about what they give them. Forgetting a birthday or giving them some throw away gift doesn’t play well with these folks.

Acts of Service - Don’t tell them that you appreciate them -- show it! These people love it when you go out of your way and do something for them. Forgetting to do something promised or creating more work for them isn’t the way to go here.

Physical Touch - Okay, cut the ‘hubba hubba’ eyebrows. It’s not just about that. It’s about hugs, or a pat on the back. They like physical contact. Denying contact or physically hurting them is the worst.


Here’s the interesting thing:  People tend to show appreciation for others the same way they like to be appreciated. That doesn’t always work. I’m a ‘Words of Affirmation’ kind of gal. Telling me what a fantastic writer I am and how much you love my blog (go ahead, tell me J) makes me feel more special than if you run out and get me cough syrup when I’m sick. An ‘Act of Service’ person would think I’m crazy....which I am, but for other reasons.

How does this information help you? Take your dad. He may never give you the right birthday gift, but remember last week when he spent two hours waxing your car? So he’s not a gift guy. He’s an act of service guy.

Your best friend has been cranky toward you lately. You keep telling her how important your friendship is to you, but remember last week when she asked for a hug and you were all, ‘don’t be gross.’ Maybe she needs a squeeze more than words.

Knowing what kind of person you are, and knowing what kind of people those close to you are, can help you big timehelp you navigate the sea of emotion surrounding you. Not a bad deal, if you ask me.


Your mission should you choose to accept it: Figure out what type of person you are, as well as those close to you. It's easier than you think. It just takes a little observation.  Then start ‘appreciating’ people the way they like to be appreciated. See how they respond. Later, tell them what you’ve been doing and ask them to guess what type YOU are. Think they’ll know right away? Think how they appreciate you will change?

If you think this whole thing is silly, so be it. All I can say is it changed my life and made me happier. I wish I’d know about all this stuff when I was younger.

Boy, you guys are so lucky to have me. J


photo from suchitra prints photostream
18 Comments
Rachana link
11/4/2010 02:52:49 am

Hello, I come from Timethief, and I have not actually put all the 5 things together the way you did! For me personally, love had meant getting things to now it means just quality time with my kids or the hubby.. which seems to be a rare commodity these days! :)
And I absolutely love your 5 things you should not do!! I wish I had the b*lls to give this kind of advice, because that is exactly what I would do, if I had er, balls..
Rachana

Reply
Mom link
11/4/2010 05:03:53 am

Rachana,

Glad you came! You sound like a 'quality time' kind of person. QT is so important, whether it's your primary love language or not. It's also a huge commodity with families, especially in today's day and age where everyone lives are so active.

As for the 5 things you shouldn't do? As you may have guessed, I call things like I see them. Sometimes it might get me into trouble, but some things just have to be laid out straight!

Reply
nothingprofound link
11/4/2010 06:04:20 am

Janene-I guess I'll stand by the point I made on the forum. I think it's a big mistake in life to go around expecting to be loved and appreciated. It's just setting oneself up for resentment and disappointment. I know people crave that sort of attention and recognition, and it feels good when they get it, but ultimately I don't think it's a good or healthy thing.

Reply
nothingprofound link
11/4/2010 06:32:13 am

Janene-ignore the comment I made above. It's too radical. What's wrong with people craving a little attention and recognition? All the points you made are really good ones. Nothing but good can come from understanding and appreciating another person's needs.

Reply
Mom link
11/4/2010 07:09:23 am

Nothingprofound,

No problem! I understood where you are coming from. What I wrote about dealt more with tips on how to better show your appreciation and understand the different ways others show appreciation for you. But to go around expecting it? Some people get a little too needy. Still, I do think children should expect love from their parents. I think parents should expect love from each other. As for parents getting love from their kids? Would I be asking for too much if I said, 'yes?' Don't answer. I'd rather stay in my happy little bubble!

Reply
Tricia link
11/5/2010 07:11:37 am

I've read that book and I found it fascinating. I was able to peg my own personality easily, as well as that of the guy I was dating at the time.

I didn't want to be with him anymore so I made sure NOT to use his language and broke up with him shortly afterward. ;)

Reply
Mom link
11/5/2010 07:29:38 am

LOL, Tricia! Looks like we've got another way to use the information!

Reply
Val link
11/6/2010 07:41:21 pm

Hi Janene, yes we are lucky indeed! This sort of self-awareness is certainly essential. For me I think I might be a 'quality time' person.

Very interesting post, and thank you so much for your kind words over at my blog!

Hope you're well
Val

Reply
Mom link
11/6/2010 11:53:08 pm

Val,

Glad you like the post and I meant every word about your blog. It's intelligent, insightful, and absolutely FABULOUS. Love it!

Reply
Katja
11/7/2010 12:41:24 pm

Perhaps I am 'too young' to think about love, because this post was, um, bullshit. I agree with nothingprofound's first comment; it seems that there are more negative outcomes from love than positives ones. At least with the people I live around.

Reply
Mom link
11/8/2010 12:26:01 am

Katja,

Nothing like speaking your mind! ;)

I don't think it has anything to do with age, just the way you look at things. For you, don't look at this post as describing ways to love or be loved. Instead, think about it from a scientific standpoint: people react differently to certain stimuli. They show their emotions differently, too. If you figure someone out -- and it doesn't have to be someone you love -- you might understand them better. Does that help?

Reply
coolingstar9 link
11/9/2010 01:37:48 am

This is the interesting post about how t
to treat kids well. We ready need to know their feeling. We must make them feel comfortable and apply words of Affirmation like well done, keep it up,etc.
How can we have better relationship with kids if we never spend quality time with them at all, bring them to places of interest and interact with them. To show caring, give some gifts or toys, they will feel joyful. Wow, give them the hug or tap their shoulder to make them feeling warm.
Action is better than million words.

Reply
Mom link
11/9/2010 04:32:21 am

Coolingstar,

Action is better than a million words, unless the kid is 'words of affirmation.' ;) Seriously, good thoughts. Giving someone love and affirmation is a wonderful gift.

Reply
Katja
11/9/2010 12:51:01 pm

Yes, I suppose I only though of it one way, which was ways to be loved...so your comment did help :)

Reply
Juliana link
11/10/2010 01:04:41 am

Hi Janene

What an intersting post this is - and the sparky comments it has generated.

For me, the 5 modes your book suggests are for me more about our preferred ways of giving and receiving attention and affection and in that context, I think its great! I am definitely someone who appreciates Acts of Service and that is also how I demonstrate affection.

But love? Hmm, it's about how you construct 'love' - so often people use the word 'love' as just another expression and so teenagers in particular, get this skewed idea of what love actually is.

For me, love is about doing what I can to support another person to face their own reality and therby reach their potential. Love nurtures but is often tough - particularly when it concerns our kids where parental expression of love necessitates the setting of often unpopular boundaries!

Reply
Mom link
11/10/2010 05:35:40 am

Katja,
Glad that helped!

Julianna,
Ah, yes. The word 'love' is a touchy one, indeed. I like your interpretation of the languages, as well as your thoughts on what love is. And you're right, there have been some interesting responses. Love that!

Reply
timethief link
11/10/2010 09:26:29 am

This is a terrific topic that takes time to think on and then answer. I'm borrowing computer time right now so I'm sorry I cannot do it justice. I'm a quality time person.

I am an independent introvert - a low maintenance person when it comes to relationships. I do not require continual contact, compliments, phone calls on a daily basis, cards and gifts from family and friends, etc. "Clinging" to me can send me running in the opposite direction. I wear my emotions on my face and learned years ago that I cannot fake liking a gift if I don't really like it. So I make it clear that I do not want and will not accept expensive gifts -- silly ones are okay. I do occasionally require "quality time" wherein I can listen and be listened to, however, I can pick up relationships with those I love after prolonged absences. What's key to the survival of any relationship with me is open communication and active listening. “I love you” is not just a phrase we say to one another. Love is an action word and it can be expressed in many ways.

Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone and will take umbrage at the suggestion.

"Introverts aren’t just less sociable than extroverts; they also engage with the world in fundamentally different ways. While outgoing “people people” savor the nuances of social interaction, loners tend to focus more on their own ideas—and on stimuli that don’t register in the minds of others." thistimethisspace.com/2007/08/08/all-loners-arent-social-misfits/

My friends and partner chose and continue to choose accept me as I am and I love them dearly for doing so.

I am not the average chatty Cathy, people pleaser, group hug type of female. I am known as being the kind of woman who is a hard close to, but to those who are close to me, I am affectionate, gentle, fun loving and helpful. I am loyal, resourceful and I can always be counted upon to be there for whoever needs me when they need me. I love quiet one-on-one conversations about feelings or ideas. I love taking on creative projects with friends and family members and problem solving too.

Reply
Mom link
11/10/2010 11:46:15 am

Timethief,

Thanks so much for sharing! I like what you said about love being an action word. So true! As for the introvert/extrovert thing, I'm an extrovert (though not full blown, I need my quiet time too). Two of my family members are introverts and it took me a long time to understand that they were perfectly happy locking themselves in a room by themselves and reading a book. In fact, they treasured it! I'm glad I get it now. I was so worried!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Weird Author

    My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

    Picture
    MY BOOKS!
    For info, click on the covers.
    Picture
    Picture
    To SUBSCRIBE to my blog, just hit the 'Contact Me' button at the bottom of  the left hand column on this page and fill out the form to get my posts via email. You can also sign up to get it on your RSS or Networked Blogs feeds by hitting the buttons below. All of them are free and easy -- two qualities I like!

    RSS Feed

    NetworkedBlogs
    Blog:
    Moms are from Mars
    Topics:
    teen, humor, parenting
     
    Follow my blog

    Your Favorites

    What Color Season Are You?
    Cute Keyboard Animals
    Tattoos are Evil
    Worst Fictional Moms of the
        Last 50 Years

    Crushed by my Celebrity Crush's Height    
    Just  Letting Off Some Crazy Steam
    You Are What You Wear?

    Kids Say the Darndest Things
    Top Ten Most Iconic Teen Movies of the 1980s
    My Summer Vacation

    Craziest Book Titles on Amazon
    Teen TV 'Act Your Age': Part 2





    My Favorites

    Bad Boys 
    Keeping Up With The Joneses
    Noah's Ark: Terror Never Looked So Cute   
    Jeggings: Just Say No    
    Leave No Wild Child Behind
    The Gift of Reading 
    The Truth About Smoking 
    Lost In Translation: The Wall   
    Help Me, Bruce Willis 
    A Mother's Fear About Her Kid Being Queer  
    If You Don't Have Anything Good to Say  
    Chuck Norris Facts


    Categories

    All
    1970s
    1980s
    1980s Celebrity Hair
    2012 Iowa Caucus
    4th Of July
    Action Figure Jesus
    Alligators
    Amanda Bynes
    Anthony Weiner
    Arnold Scharzenegger
    Ascii Art
    Ashton Kutcher
    Asking Girls To The Dance
    Austria
    Back In The Day
    Bacon
    Bad Boys
    Bawls Soda
    Bayou Tour
    Beauty
    Beauty Queens
    Beetle Bailey
    Betty White
    Big Time Rush
    Birthday
    Blarney Castle
    Blog Catalog
    Blood
    Boardgames
    Bobby Knight
    Bon Jovi
    Book Review
    Books
    Book Signing
    Botox
    Brothers
    Bruce Willis
    Bullying
    Bunratty Castle And Folk Park
    Butt Cracks
    Camp Conestoga
    Canada
    Candy
    Candy Crush Saga
    Car
    Cards For Mom
    Career
    Cat Trouble
    Celebritiy Losers 2012
    Celebrity Losers 2011
    Celebrity Losers 2013
    Charity
    Charlie Sheen
    Chat Room Dream Date
    Chicken Breasts
    Christmas
    Christmas Gifts History
    Chuck Norris Facts
    Clint Eastwood
    Clothes
    Clown
    College
    Color Seasons
    Concerns
    Confidence
    Contest
    Cooking
    Cool Stuff
    Crazy Book Titles
    CSI
    Cute Animal Photos
    Czech Republic
    Dating
    Dating Older Guys
    Davy Jones
    Dear Make Believe Mom
    Dingle
    Disney World
    Doctor Who
    Dolls
    Dressing Like A Ho
    Driving
    Duck Dynasty
    Easter
    Egg Butt
    Election
    Ella March Chase
    Enlightened
    Extraordinary
    Facebook
    Farrah Fawcett
    Fashion
    Fashion History
    Favorite Songs From The 1980s
    Feminine Products
    Feris Bueller
    Fireworks
    Five Love Languages
    Flood
    Freaky Things
    Fungie The Dingle Dolphin
    Funniest Christmas Movies
    Funny Celebrity Photos
    Games
    Gaming
    Geeks
    Germany
    Gingerbread Men
    Girl Power
    Girl Scouts
    Glamour Shots
    Glendalough
    Good Enough
    Goodreads
    Go Set A Watchman
    Graduation
    Greeting Cards For Mom
    Hair
    Hair History
    Hair In The 70s And 80s
    Halloween
    Halloween Costumes
    Halloween Fun Facts
    Harper Lee
    Heights Of Young Male Celebrities
    High School Graduation
    Hobbit Gingerbread House
    Hobbit Hole Gingerbread House
    Holiday Shopping
    Holy Toast
    Homosexuality
    Honey Boo Boo
    Icarly
    Iconic Teen Movies
    Identity
    If You Dont Have Anything Good To Say
    If You Give A Teen A Tattoo
    If You Really Knew Me
    Internet Censoring
    Internet Dating
    Internet Safety
    Iowa
    Ireland
    Italy
    Jeggings
    Jersey Shore
    Jesus Action Figure
    John Travolta
    Judging A Book By It
    Justin Bieber
    Kanye West
    Kardashians
    Keeping Up With The Joneses
    Kelly Lebrock
    Keyboard Animals
    Kids Say The Darndest Things
    Kilkenny Castle
    Kitschy Kitschy Kool
    Kristen Stewart
    Lance Armstrong
    Laundry
    Laziness
    Leap Year
    Leave No Wild Child Behind
    Leslie Langtry
    Libba Bray
    Life Is Short
    Lindsay Lohan
    Loneliness
    Losers
    Lost In Translation
    Louisa Cast
    Louisiana
    Lying
    Lyme Disease
    Mail
    Maintaining A Boyfriend
    Marathon
    Matthew Broderick
    Meredith Viera
    Miley Cyrus
    Military
    Miracles
    Mitt Romney
    Moms Are From Mars Book
    Money
    Money Tips
    Morphing
    Motherhood Sucks
    Motherly Advice
    Mothers Day
    Movies
    Mr. T Baby Costume
    Muckross House And Gardens
    My Anniversary
    My Book
    My Favorite Movies
    Name Game
    New Kids On The Block
    New Orleans
    Newt Gingrich
    Noahs Ark
    Ode To Canada
    Olympic Games
    Osama Bin Laden
    Over Parenting
    Parenting
    Paula Deen
    Pet Names For Kids
    Phoebe Cates
    Photos
    Pms
    Poopys Tattoos
    Popularity
    Powerscourt
    Prague
    Quad Cities Flood
    Queer Fears
    Radical Parenting
    Reading
    Rebel Without A Clause
    Ring Of Kerry
    Rob Ford
    Rob Pattison
    Ronald Reagan
    Ron Paul
    Royal Wedding
    Safety Tips
    Santa Hat
    Saving Face
    Scarf Into Vest
    Scary
    Selena Gomez
    Self Acceptance
    Self Image
    September 11
    Seventeen Magazine
    Sex
    Shoe History
    Shoes
    Shopping In Ireland
    Signs
    Silly Stuff
    Silly Thoughts
    Skiing
    Slut Walk
    Smoking Is Cool
    Sopa
    Sound Asleep Pillow Giveaway
    Southern Illinois
    Sprained Ankle
    Spring Break
    Star Wars
    Strange Signs
    Stupidity
    Success
    Superhero Mom
    Susan Carroll
    Swan Towel
    Swim Suits
    Taking Her Time
    Tattoos
    Taylor Armstrong
    Taylor Lautner
    Teaching
    Teen Actors Ages
    Teen Actresses Ages
    Teen Dramas
    Teen Idols
    Teen Idols History
    Teen Mom
    Teen Tv Dramas
    Television
    Tershbango
    Texting
    Thanksgiving
    The Apocalypse
    The Big Ask
    The Gimmes
    The Monkees
    Theresa Guidice
    The Shirt
    The Sixth Sense
    The Wall
    Things Parents Will Never Say To Their Teens
    Thor
    Through The Ages
    To Kill A Mockinbird
    Toothbrushes
    Top 21 Things Teens Never Say To Their Parents
    Traveling
    Trix Rabbit
    Tv Dinners
    Twinkies
    Twitter
    Ugh
    Vacation
    Valentines Day55124088ef
    Vampire
    Vanity
    Veterans Day550af373ed
    Voodoo Dolls
    Vote
    Wacky Beauty Products
    Washington Dc
    Water Parks
    Wedding
    What Is Your Season
    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
    Wisconsin Dells
    Worst Easter Candy
    Worst Fictional Moms
    Xbox Live
    Y2k
    You Are What You Wear
    You Read My Mind

    Still can't find what you're looking for? Search Moms are from Mars below:
    Google search engine code:
    Loading


    Archives

    January 2016
    August 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    August 2014
    July 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010

    If you like my blog, could you click the brown 'vote for us' button below? You won't get anything, but you won't be asked to buy anything, either. It just helps my self-esteem.
    Thanks!
    Laughter Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory
    Janene's bookshelf: read

    To Kill a Mockingbird The Great Gatsby Where the Sidewalk Ends Animal Farm Of Mice and Men Slaughterhouse-Five

    More of Janene's books »
    Book recommendations, book reviews, quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists
    Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from Monica Arellano-Ongpin, law_keven, NESJumpman, marcos_leal, YoAmes, cliff1066™, garymun, AJU_photography, busbeytheelder, seanmcgrath, gruntzooki, Elin B, The Paperclip, *saipal, ©HTO3, Neetesh Gupta (neeteshg), wonker, Nomadic Lass, englishsnow, landhere, garryknight, StarsApart, Edward Dalmulder, wwarby, cliff1066™, chadh, Yashna M, eamoncurry123, letsgoeverywhere