NEWSFLASH: I am going to hell and it’s the United States Post Office's fault.
That’s right I blame the mail. For years numerous organizations have been sending me heart-felt appeals for money and I've never given them a dime. Or should I say ‘returned’ the dimes they so thoughtfully sent to me with the simple request that I return it along with a check for $10 -- $25 --- $100? How sweet of them to give me a choice. Still, I blew them off and pocketed the dime. My criminal behavior doesn't end there, either.
A group of unknown churches began sending me me the most gloriously beautiful rosaries, crosses, and religious pendants you could buy from China for twenty-five cents or less. All they wanted in return was my cold hard cash. A noble request, indeed. I never sent them a penny. To my credit, I did hang onto the precious trinkets for a long time, though. Throwing away religiously inspired items, no matter how junky, automatically guarantees a first class ticket to Satan’s after-life retreat, no? Recently, however, in a rage-filled junk drawer cleanout frenzy, I pitched them all in the garbage.
The devil made me do it.
That’s right I blame the mail. For years numerous organizations have been sending me heart-felt appeals for money and I've never given them a dime. Or should I say ‘returned’ the dimes they so thoughtfully sent to me with the simple request that I return it along with a check for $10 -- $25 --- $100? How sweet of them to give me a choice. Still, I blew them off and pocketed the dime. My criminal behavior doesn't end there, either.
A group of unknown churches began sending me me the most gloriously beautiful rosaries, crosses, and religious pendants you could buy from China for twenty-five cents or less. All they wanted in return was my cold hard cash. A noble request, indeed. I never sent them a penny. To my credit, I did hang onto the precious trinkets for a long time, though. Throwing away religiously inspired items, no matter how junky, automatically guarantees a first class ticket to Satan’s after-life retreat, no? Recently, however, in a rage-filled junk drawer cleanout frenzy, I pitched them all in the garbage.
The devil made me do it.
Last week I sealed my fate. I stole from young children. The (name withheld to protect the guilty) School not only sent me exquisite foil flower stickers, two note pads, a 2012 calendar, and a frameable Certificate of Appreciation, but also included an actual dream catcher. That’s right, one of those pleather-wrapped hoops with beads and feathers that are supposed to give people pleasant dreams. I have to admit, I was bowled over by their sweet, unsolicited and unwanted treasure trove of crap. And, to their credit, they understood that I might not want to send them money despite all of their hard work and expense. They wrote that, if I had to, I could just send them $5 to cover the expense of the gifts and call it a day.
I didn’t.
See? I told you. I'm a cold-hearted bleep doomed to a terrible fate. Sure, I volunteer and donate money to charities I’ve heard of, but that just can’t make up for the countless number of free personalized address labels I have received over the years -- labels I've unscrupulously ripped from over-sized envelopes only to throw the accompanying solicitations away.
I do promise you this, though. If you ever receive solicitations like the ones above, I won’t judge you if don't send them money. You can even use the stickers and notepads. But if you throw away a rosary, I can't help you. ;)
I didn’t.
See? I told you. I'm a cold-hearted bleep doomed to a terrible fate. Sure, I volunteer and donate money to charities I’ve heard of, but that just can’t make up for the countless number of free personalized address labels I have received over the years -- labels I've unscrupulously ripped from over-sized envelopes only to throw the accompanying solicitations away.
I do promise you this, though. If you ever receive solicitations like the ones above, I won’t judge you if don't send them money. You can even use the stickers and notepads. But if you throw away a rosary, I can't help you. ;)
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