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Envelopes have sealed my fate

9/30/2011

17 Comments

 
flames-fire
NEWSFLASH: I am going to hell and it’s the United States Post Office's fault.

That’s right I blame the mail. For years numerous organizations have been sending me heart-felt appeals for money and I've never given them a dime. Or should I say ‘returned’ the dimes they so thoughtfully sent to me with the simple request that I return it along with a check for $10 -- $25 --- $100? How sweet of them to give me a choice. Still, I blew them off and pocketed the dime. My criminal behavior doesn't end there, either.

A group of unknown churches began sending me me the most gloriously beautiful rosaries, crosses, and religious pendants you could buy from China for twenty-five cents or less. All they wanted in return was my cold hard cash. A noble request, indeed. I never sent them a penny. To my credit, I did hang onto the precious trinkets for a long time, though. Throwing away religiously inspired items, no matter how junky, automatically guarantees a first class ticket to Satan’s after-life retreat, no? Recently, however, in a rage-filled junk drawer cleanout frenzy, I pitched them all in the garbage. 

The devil made me do it.

dream catcher
Last week I sealed my fate. I stole from young children. The (name withheld to protect the guilty) School not only sent me exquisite foil flower stickers, two note pads, a 2012 calendar, and a frameable Certificate of Appreciation, but also included an actual dream catcher. That’s right, one of those pleather-wrapped hoops with beads and feathers that are supposed to give people pleasant dreams. I have to admit, I was bowled over by their sweet, unsolicited and unwanted treasure trove of crap. And, to their credit, they understood that I might not want to send them money despite all of their hard work and expense. They wrote that, if I had to, I could just send them $5 to cover the expense of the gifts and call it a day.  

I didn’t.

See? I told you. I'm a cold-hearted bleep doomed to a terrible fate. Sure, I volunteer and donate money to charities I’ve heard of, but that just can’t make up for the countless number of free personalized address labels I have received over the years -- labels I've unscrupulously ripped from over-sized envelopes only to throw the accompanying solicitations away.

I do promise you this, though. If you ever receive solicitations like the ones above, I won’t judge you if don't send them money. You can even use the stickers and notepads. But if you throw away a rosary, I can't help you. ;)

17 Comments
zobop republic link
9/30/2011 02:24:30 am

I like getting free stuff in the mail, like return address stickers. I can use those.

Reply
jay.me link
9/30/2011 02:39:59 am

I'm not Catholic, so I can throw away the rosary beads without any fear of hellfire.

And not to worry, since the USPS is considering shutting 3,700 locations...we all may get less junk mail. :]

Reply
Mom link
9/30/2011 02:44:27 am

zobop,
I've been in constant supply for over 20 years. Gotta say, it's nice during Christmas card season!

jay.me,
I'm so glad you're spared from the whole rosary thing. It's crap, but it's religious crap. Every time I throw that stuff away, I can't help feeling a little guilty. Shame on the people who send them for making me feel that way. They know what they are doing. Ugh! And I wouldn't be opposed to another day without mail. More and more often, it's just junk mail. Maybe we could save a few trees that way.

Reply
Jenn Thorson link
9/30/2011 04:24:23 am

You know, about those address labels...

I sort of hoard them and use them.

I don't care who they're from. By my using them instead of putting my hideous scribble on an envelope some poor mail carriers are going to have to decipher, I am actually reducing the postal service's stress and in turn, possibly saving lives. (For it is handwriting like mine that causes workers to go postal.)

So in fact, it's a service to everyone.

(I'm still probably going to hell, aren't I? :)

Reply
Mom link
9/30/2011 06:19:55 am

Jenn,

You are truly a saint. ;)

Reply
SprigBlossoms link
9/30/2011 06:37:17 am

Greatly enjoyed your post...I receive them too, time to time. Then there are those photo sessions at preschools, where they print out a bunch of photos and you pay for the ones you take. I end up paying for the whole package. I don't need all of them, but why waste so much paper? For the promotional mails, I pretty much ignore them, too :)

Reply
Mom link
9/30/2011 06:58:43 am

Oh, Sprig -- those photos! I still remember my daughter coming home from school with them when she was 8 years-old or so. She said, "Wow, Mom. Don't I look beautiful?" I didn't have the heart to send back them all. I wonder if the photographer coached kids into saying that. Nothing like sales through guilt!

Reply
Deray
9/30/2011 07:57:30 am

Don't shoot the messenger! The poor USOPS guy is not to blame. Btw, I'll see you in hell because I even throw away kids pictures *gasp* I know, you would have never thought that of me!

Reply
nothingprofound link
9/30/2011 10:03:39 am

Janene, now I really feel rejected and depressed. All I ever receive are Christmas stickers from my insurance agent and he doesn't ask for a nickel in return. I try to be a good person. What am I doing wrong?

Reply
Mom link
9/30/2011 01:16:20 pm

Deray,
Gasp! And you seemed so....so... nice! :) You are right, though. I shouldn't shoot the messenger. I'm sure they like delivering the packages as much as I like receiving them!

NP,
You poor thing. Being the compassionate man that you are, I think the truth of the matter is you're just not on everyone's mailing lists...yet. ;)

Reply
PBScott link
9/30/2011 03:17:21 pm

Just think of all the birds nests and squirrel homes they had to destroy to make these trinkets, or blood money in unnessesary use of oil, or even in the case of a dream catcher how many birds they plucked or animals they killed for the leather. These objects are not holy, in many ways they are downright evil.

They even leave a bad feeling for you once they are done. I really hate recieving a guilt trip in the mail from people like this. I don't know how holy anything can be when done in the name of money, so don't worry too much, I see far less evil done by you then these people.

Reply
Mom link
9/30/2011 11:32:17 pm

PBScott,
What they do really is crappy, and I never even thought of all of the birds they had to pluck for that particular mass mailing. So sad.

It's interesting, now that we have the internet I don't get nearly as much personal mail as I used to. Still, the junk mail keeps rolling in. 90% of my mail goes directly into the recycle pile with nary a glance. So many trees wasted.

Reply
Cathy Flynn link
10/5/2011 04:15:38 am

I think I got your package, minus the rosary beads. I use the return address labels for my kids' school raffle tickets so I don't have to write my name and address 50 times. I have a lot of Catholic guilt about it, but I too keep the nickles and dimes that are attached. I pretty much give to almost any friend who asks for a donation, so I probably get about five of these mail requests a week. What these charities don't realize is that just because I gave to my sister's best friend's son's cause walk, doesn't mean I'm planning to donate every month for the rest of my life.

Reply
Mom link
10/5/2011 04:58:43 am

Cathy,
Address labels on raffle tickets -- love it! As for the nickels and dimes, don't worry. Jesus forgives. ;) And I think you hit on the reason I get so much of these things, too: whenever you give to charity, you get punished for it with mail. Looks like one of the ways they raise money is by selling their address lists. Shame!

Reply
Tomas link
10/11/2011 11:31:14 am

Mom,

First of all you will not go to any hell - it doesn't exist, so don't worry. Or at least in the form most of us imagine it :) Simply, it is here, with us, in us and we make it ourselves. :)

Second, you don't order their crap so why anyone could be bothered?

On the other hand, those organization must spent fortune to deliver such amount of crap and possibly they make another, bigger on this. :)

And it happen that they do not exist either :) Only a PO Box waiting for fat checks :)

Reply
Mom link
10/12/2011 01:48:40 am

Tomas,
Thanks for making me feel better. And you're right, there's no mention of hell in the bible, so I shouldn't worry too much. Still, I think Satan must live in my mailbox. I think he wants me to have 3,000 credit cards, too.

Reply
Tomas link
10/13/2011 10:19:01 pm

:) It is not devil who wants you have those cards but greedy bank and similar .orgs :)
On the other hand it is not so bad to have number of such, assuming you use them to purchase properties to let or rehab and sale :) so, for investments.

By the way, thank you for nice words about my site :)
Indeed, the home page doesn't have option for comments but most other pages with articles and a blog do.
But you found a way :) and as you like it, please follow or/and like it with +1 recommendation :)
If you have an article on health, healthy living, love, curing, water or anything eco related I will be pleased to publish it for you too :)

Take Care

Reply



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