MOMS are from MARS
  • HOME
  • Things Your Mom Will Never Say: The Top 20
    • MOM'S BLOG
  • MY BOOK - Extraordinary: Light vs. Dark
  • Your Horoscope
  • Why does Mom DO that?
  • A Heartfelt Letter of Apology
  • MY BOOK: Moms are from Mars
  • What Type of Mom Do You Have?
    • Mom's Mish Mash
  • Cute Keyboard Characters
    • MY BOOK - Enlightened: Light vs. Dark
    • Cards for Mom
  • Contact Me
Follow me!

The Truth about Smoking

6/3/2010

9 Comments

 
Picture

Smoking is bad for you.
Smoking = lung cancer

Yadda yadda yadda.

Every where you go people tell you not to smoke. They throw out words like ‘addiction’ and  ‘death’ in an effort to scare you. But there’s a hidden truth to smoking, a truth no one else will tell you. That is, no one but me. Are you ready? Are you sure? Okay, here it is:

SMOKING is COOL.

You heard me. It’s cool. I mean, cigarettes are like fire in your hand that you can control. Awesome. And not only is it cool, but cool people smoke. Look at Paris Hilton, Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan. They all smoke. And not only are they cool, they’re great role models, too. "But they’re all girls," you say. Well, to that I just have two words: Barack Obama. That’s right. The President of the United States smokes. How cool is that? Sure, he never lets himself get photographed doing it. He also says he wishes he could quit and that starting to smoke was one of the worst decisions he ever made. I don’t believe him. Secretly, he doesn’t want to quit because he wants to stay cool.

Now, now. I know there are a few so-called ‘negative’ issues about smoking out there, ones Anti- Smoking Supporters (also known as ASSes) keep harping on but, trust me, they’re really no big deal. To prove it I’m tackling each one head on. I'll start with the biggest…

HEALTH
People keep on saying smoking is bad for you, but did you know smokers only lose an average of seven years from their life? And that’s off the back end, when they’re ancient. Sure, that number can vary. Some people can get it as early as their mid-forties (like I said, ancient) which is probably close to your folks’ age, but who really needs parents? Heck, you’re a teenager now. You’ve got life all figured out. All parents are good for is nagging, telling you what to do, making dinner, doing your laundry, giving you a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend dumps you. Wait, I’m getting off task. Point is, there’s only a small chance that you’ll die early and leave your future children without a mother. No big whoop. There are a few other minor concerns - reduced quality of life, heart problems, circulatory issues, other lung difficulties, as well as one or two ill-effects on unborn babies -  but, like I said, they’re minor so let’s just move on to a more important topic.


BEAUTY
Okay, I’ll admit it. Smoking does take a small toll on your appearance. No, I’m not talking about your lungs (they do turn black, but no one sees them). It’s the whole ‘yellow teeth and fingernails’ business. Hello? Anyone heard of Crest Whitening Strips? Don’t forget nail polish. Sure, your skin turns a little yellow, too…and wrinkly…and leathery. But that just makes you look older, and older is cool.  To prove my point, I conducted a little experiment and personally gave a cute six year-old girl a pack of smokes every week for ten years. Take a look at the results:
Picture
BEFORE...
Picture
AND AFTER
Amazing, isn't it? Just sixteen years-old and she looks, what -- eighteen, nineteen? Sweet. 

MONEY
The average cost for a pack of cigs is about $5.  Not bad.  Start out with a measly pack a week and you’re only talking $260 a year. Don’t buy an ITouch and you’re even just like that. Sure, once the whole ‘addiction’ thing takes over, it’ll cost more. But that’s okay, you should be working by then anyway. Seriously, you should. Already have a job? Then simply adjust your spending habits. Like buying a car, for instance. Instead of getting that Ford Mustang you’ve had your eye on, just buy a Toyota Corolla. It may not look as appealing but don't worry -- the additional cool points you get from smoking will make up for the loss of car coolness. Now as you get older, there will be other monetary issues. (Try selling that car after you've been smoking in it. Next, try selling your house.) Health care and home insurance costs are greater for smokers, too. But those are lame things you’ll only have to worry about as an adult. That means starting to smoke as a teen is that much smarter!

(Oh! By the way, that whole ‘addiction’ thing I mentioned earlier? Not a big deal. Sure, reports say only 2.5% of smokers successfully quit each year, but that’s because those people are losers without willpower. They aren’t you. YOU can kick the habit, trust me. All those chemicals cigarette companies add to addict people just affect wusses.)

THE SMELL
A lot of people say cigarette smoke smells terrible. You might think so, too. Maybe it's true, but guess what? The smell is cool. As a matter of fact, I think the real reason people don't like to be around smokers isn't because they stink, but because smokers smell so alluring that just one whiff of them makes others want to smoke, too. No lie. Whoa! I just thought of something! If you smoke, you won’t have to buy cologne because you already have your own distinctive smell -- burned-out building. That means you’ll actually SAVE money. Take that, money argument!

THE TASTE
Okay, here’s the last item on my list. Smokers report that food doesn’t take as good as before they started smoking. Seems smoking deadens the taste buds. Well, never fear because the cigarette industry has responded. Introducing flavored cigarettes! (...Wait. Those were banned in a lot of places. What are they now? That's right...)  Introducing flavored cigarillos! Some of the flavorings include, French vanilla, cherry, and grape. Yes, grape!! You know, when I was younger, I used to soak lumps of charcoal in grape Kool-aid and suck on them. Delicious! I bet those cigarillos taste similar. They're a little more expensive than regular cigarettes, but that’s okay. Instead of a Toyota Corolla, you can buy a used AMC Pacer. I know, not sexy at all, but come on! GRAPES!!

So there you have it. I’ve turned every possible anti-smoking argument into dust. So go ahead, light up. It’ll change your life.

And that's a promise.


Please note: No actual children were harmed in the making of this post. As for the old woman, she was butt ugly before I wrote this. And one more thing: Just to be clear to all thoses ASSes out there, in truth I think smoking is gross, really gross. Got that? Good. - Mom

photo credits:

cute little girl link

crusty old woman
Click to set custom HTML
9 Comments
    Picture

    Weird Author

    My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

    Picture
    MY BOOKS!
    For info, click on the covers.
    Picture
    Picture
    To SUBSCRIBE to my blog, just hit the 'Contact Me' button at the bottom of  the left hand column on this page and fill out the form to get my posts via email. You can also sign up to get it on your RSS or Networked Blogs feeds by hitting the buttons below. All of them are free and easy -- two qualities I like!

    RSS Feed

    NetworkedBlogs
    Blog:
    Moms are from Mars
    Topics:
    teen, humor, parenting
     
    Follow my blog

    Your Favorites

    What Color Season Are You?
    Cute Keyboard Animals
    Tattoos are Evil
    Worst Fictional Moms of the
        Last 50 Years

    Crushed by my Celebrity Crush's Height    
    Just  Letting Off Some Crazy Steam
    You Are What You Wear?

    Kids Say the Darndest Things
    Top Ten Most Iconic Teen Movies of the 1980s
    My Summer Vacation

    Craziest Book Titles on Amazon
    Teen TV 'Act Your Age': Part 2





    My Favorites

    Bad Boys 
    Keeping Up With The Joneses
    Noah's Ark: Terror Never Looked So Cute   
    Jeggings: Just Say No    
    Leave No Wild Child Behind
    The Gift of Reading 
    The Truth About Smoking 
    Lost In Translation: The Wall   
    Help Me, Bruce Willis 
    A Mother's Fear About Her Kid Being Queer  
    If You Don't Have Anything Good to Say  
    Chuck Norris Facts


    Categories

    All
    1970s
    1980s
    1980s Celebrity Hair
    2012 Iowa Caucus
    4th Of July
    Action Figure Jesus
    Alligators
    Amanda Bynes
    Anthony Weiner
    Arnold Scharzenegger
    Ascii Art
    Ashton Kutcher
    Asking Girls To The Dance
    Austria
    Back In The Day
    Bacon
    Bad Boys
    Bawls Soda
    Bayou Tour
    Beauty
    Beauty Queens
    Beetle Bailey
    Betty White
    Big Time Rush
    Birthday
    Blarney Castle
    Blog Catalog
    Blood
    Boardgames
    Bobby Knight
    Bon Jovi
    Book Review
    Books
    Book Signing
    Botox
    Brothers
    Bruce Willis
    Bullying
    Bunratty Castle And Folk Park
    Butt Cracks
    Camp Conestoga
    Canada
    Candy
    Candy Crush Saga
    Car
    Cards For Mom
    Career
    Cat Trouble
    Celebritiy Losers 2012
    Celebrity Losers 2011
    Celebrity Losers 2013
    Charity
    Charlie Sheen
    Chat Room Dream Date
    Chicken Breasts
    Christmas
    Christmas Gifts History
    Chuck Norris Facts
    Clint Eastwood
    Clothes
    Clown
    College
    Color Seasons
    Concerns
    Confidence
    Contest
    Cooking
    Cool Stuff
    Crazy Book Titles
    CSI
    Cute Animal Photos
    Czech Republic
    Dating
    Dating Older Guys
    Davy Jones
    Dear Make Believe Mom
    Dingle
    Disney World
    Doctor Who
    Dolls
    Dressing Like A Ho
    Driving
    Duck Dynasty
    Easter
    Egg Butt
    Election
    Ella March Chase
    Enlightened
    Extraordinary
    Facebook
    Farrah Fawcett
    Fashion
    Fashion History
    Favorite Songs From The 1980s
    Feminine Products
    Feris Bueller
    Fireworks
    Five Love Languages
    Flood
    Freaky Things
    Fungie The Dingle Dolphin
    Funniest Christmas Movies
    Funny Celebrity Photos
    Games
    Gaming
    Geeks
    Germany
    Gingerbread Men
    Girl Power
    Girl Scouts
    Glamour Shots
    Glendalough
    Good Enough
    Goodreads
    Go Set A Watchman
    Graduation
    Greeting Cards For Mom
    Hair
    Hair History
    Hair In The 70s And 80s
    Halloween
    Halloween Costumes
    Halloween Fun Facts
    Harper Lee
    Heights Of Young Male Celebrities
    High School Graduation
    Hobbit Gingerbread House
    Hobbit Hole Gingerbread House
    Holiday Shopping
    Holy Toast
    Homosexuality
    Honey Boo Boo
    Icarly
    Iconic Teen Movies
    Identity
    If You Dont Have Anything Good To Say
    If You Give A Teen A Tattoo
    If You Really Knew Me
    Internet Censoring
    Internet Dating
    Internet Safety
    Iowa
    Ireland
    Italy
    Jeggings
    Jersey Shore
    Jesus Action Figure
    John Travolta
    Judging A Book By It
    Justin Bieber
    Kanye West
    Kardashians
    Keeping Up With The Joneses
    Kelly Lebrock
    Keyboard Animals
    Kids Say The Darndest Things
    Kilkenny Castle
    Kitschy Kitschy Kool
    Kristen Stewart
    Lance Armstrong
    Laundry
    Laziness
    Leap Year
    Leave No Wild Child Behind
    Leslie Langtry
    Libba Bray
    Life Is Short
    Lindsay Lohan
    Loneliness
    Losers
    Lost In Translation
    Louisa Cast
    Louisiana
    Lying
    Lyme Disease
    Mail
    Maintaining A Boyfriend
    Marathon
    Matthew Broderick
    Meredith Viera
    Miley Cyrus
    Military
    Miracles
    Mitt Romney
    Moms Are From Mars Book
    Money
    Money Tips
    Morphing
    Motherhood Sucks
    Motherly Advice
    Mothers Day
    Movies
    Mr. T Baby Costume
    Muckross House And Gardens
    My Anniversary
    My Book
    My Favorite Movies
    Name Game
    New Kids On The Block
    New Orleans
    Newt Gingrich
    Noahs Ark
    Ode To Canada
    Olympic Games
    Osama Bin Laden
    Over Parenting
    Parenting
    Paula Deen
    Pet Names For Kids
    Phoebe Cates
    Photos
    Pms
    Poopys Tattoos
    Popularity
    Powerscourt
    Prague
    Quad Cities Flood
    Queer Fears
    Radical Parenting
    Reading
    Rebel Without A Clause
    Ring Of Kerry
    Rob Ford
    Rob Pattison
    Ronald Reagan
    Ron Paul
    Royal Wedding
    Safety Tips
    Santa Hat
    Saving Face
    Scarf Into Vest
    Scary
    Selena Gomez
    Self Acceptance
    Self Image
    September 11
    Seventeen Magazine
    Sex
    Shoe History
    Shoes
    Shopping In Ireland
    Signs
    Silly Stuff
    Silly Thoughts
    Skiing
    Slut Walk
    Smoking Is Cool
    Sopa
    Sound Asleep Pillow Giveaway
    Southern Illinois
    Sprained Ankle
    Spring Break
    Star Wars
    Strange Signs
    Stupidity
    Success
    Superhero Mom
    Susan Carroll
    Swan Towel
    Swim Suits
    Taking Her Time
    Tattoos
    Taylor Armstrong
    Taylor Lautner
    Teaching
    Teen Actors Ages
    Teen Actresses Ages
    Teen Dramas
    Teen Idols
    Teen Idols History
    Teen Mom
    Teen Tv Dramas
    Television
    Tershbango
    Texting
    Thanksgiving
    The Apocalypse
    The Big Ask
    The Gimmes
    The Monkees
    Theresa Guidice
    The Shirt
    The Sixth Sense
    The Wall
    Things Parents Will Never Say To Their Teens
    Thor
    Through The Ages
    To Kill A Mockinbird
    Toothbrushes
    Top 21 Things Teens Never Say To Their Parents
    Traveling
    Trix Rabbit
    Tv Dinners
    Twinkies
    Twitter
    Ugh
    Vacation
    Valentines Day55124088ef
    Vampire
    Vanity
    Veterans Day550af373ed
    Voodoo Dolls
    Vote
    Wacky Beauty Products
    Washington Dc
    Water Parks
    Wedding
    What Is Your Season
    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
    Wisconsin Dells
    Worst Easter Candy
    Worst Fictional Moms
    Xbox Live
    Y2k
    You Are What You Wear
    You Read My Mind

    Still can't find what you're looking for? Search Moms are from Mars below:
    Google search engine code:
    Loading


    Archives

    January 2016
    August 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    August 2014
    July 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010

    If you like my blog, could you click the brown 'vote for us' button below? You won't get anything, but you won't be asked to buy anything, either. It just helps my self-esteem.
    Thanks!
    Laughter Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory
    Janene's bookshelf: read

    To Kill a Mockingbird The Great Gatsby Where the Sidewalk Ends Animal Farm Of Mice and Men Slaughterhouse-Five

    More of Janene's books »
    Book recommendations, book reviews, quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists
    Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from Monica Arellano-Ongpin, law_keven, NESJumpman, marcos_leal, YoAmes, cliff1066™, garymun, AJU_photography, busbeytheelder, seanmcgrath, gruntzooki, Elin B, The Paperclip, *saipal, ©HTO3, Neetesh Gupta (neeteshg), wonker, Nomadic Lass, englishsnow, landhere, garryknight, StarsApart, Edward Dalmulder, wwarby, cliff1066™, chadh, Yashna M, eamoncurry123, letsgoeverywhere