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A Mother's Fear About Her Kid Being Queer

11/18/2010

20 Comments

 
A post from a fellow blogger mom recently rocked the internet. She wrote about how her pre-school son wanted to be Daphne from ‘Scooby Doo’ for Halloween. The boy loved the cartoon show so she let him. No big deal, right?

Wrong. To a few other moms it was a big deal. How could she allow her son to dress up like a girl? People might think he’s gay. My God! He might even be gay. Oh, the humanity.... Anyway, the woman stuck to her guns and told the others to back off. For that I applaud her. Yay!

I had a similar incident with one of my sons when he’d just turned seven. He loved Build-A-Bear Workshop and would save every penny of his $1 per week allowance just to buy a new furry pal. One day, after months of vigorous saving, he announced he was ready for his next Build-A-Bear purchase. He’d saved extra money to buy something really special, something he’d dreamed about. He didn't want to tell me beforehand. He wanted it to be a surprise.

It was.

koala bear bride
Yep. My son made a koala bear bride.

“Now my tuxedo bear has a wife!” he exclaimed. “They’ll be happy and in love forever!”

Awww, what a sweet boy. Did we get a few looks in the shop? You bet. Did I have to prep my husband and other kids before they saw it? Yep. Did I question my son’s sexuality? Ha ha ha …

a little.

No, I didn’t fly into an oh-my-god-he’s-gay fit. The kid was seven. He still thought The Wiggles were cool.  But it prompted me to wonder what it would be like if one of my children did end up gay. How would life be different for them? How would they fare?

I’d be lying if I said I’m not a little worried about the issue. Not that I care whether or not one of them is gay. They are who they are and I’ll love them regardless. Plus there are a lot of super cool gay folks out there. Just watch TV. There’s Ellen DeGeneres (funny), Jane Lynch (funnier), and Squidward (hilarious), as well as knowledgeable experts like Anderson Cooper (news), Suze Orman (finance), and Tim Gunn (making it work).  It’s just that being gay can be so, well, hard.

I know that for most it gets easier after teendom, but when I look at all the stories on the news lately -- the bullying, the suicides -- it breaks my heart. I can’t imagine the pain and torture those kids went through, the pain other kids are going through right now. When I was a teen, I felt so lonely at times. No one understood me. I struggled to fit in. If you saw me walking down the halls you’d have never guessed I felt that way. I kept it all inside. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do, keep it inside?


And I was ‘normal.’ I can only imagine how hard it would be to go around worried people might discover who I am and not like it, to live in a society rife with messages saying how I felt inside was wrong. I worry about how difficult it would be knowing there were people in the world ready to ostracize or hurt me simply because I was different.

It’s hard to admit this, but I don’t want that for my children. Having straight kids would sure protect them and me from whole lot of pain. Do I sound selfish and ignorant? Because I feel selfish and ignorant. I know our society has come a long way in its acceptance and understanding of others, but it has such a long way to go. It scares me. My love alone cannot protect my children. I want them to be happy. I want them to be safe.

But I want them to be themselves, too. Being gay isn’t a problem. Living in a world that doesn’t fully accept gay people is.

So let me make an open statement to my kids right now: If you’re gay, don’t feel you have to hide it from me. I love you just the way you are. If other people don’t like you because of it, screw ‘em. They’re missing out on one great kid, plus there are plenty of folks out there who could care less how you slice your sandwich. Hang in there, stay strong, and know I’ll always be your soft place to land…. Now go take out the garbage.  You heard me. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you don’t have chores. Sheesh!

Anyway, that’s how I see it. How about you?

20 Comments
nothingprofound link
11/18/2010 02:21:26 am

I can understand your apprehension. Growing up is hard enough without adding that to the mix. But should it be the case, I'm sure your conscientious support will make a world of difference and help smooth the road ahead. We all face difficulties in life, ridicule, rejection, misunderstanding, and eventually manage to assert ourselves and find our own place and niche.

Reply
Mom link
11/18/2010 02:43:04 am

nothingprofound,
So well said. We all have our struggles in life, but with support and a good sense of self we can overcome anything. All I can do is be the best mom I can and let my kids know I love them no matter what.

Reply
Nano link
11/18/2010 02:59:31 am

"Being gay isn’t a problem. Living in a world that doesn’t fully accept gay people is."

With every person like you it gets a little better. Someday it won't matter, and it gets better with every generation. Cheers!

Reply
Mom link
11/18/2010 03:05:23 am

Nano,
Thanks. I agree, someday we'll look back on this and wonder what the big fuss was about. At least I'm hoping. As the wise philosopher, John Lennon, once said, "All we need is love." How true!

Reply
timethief link
11/18/2010 03:05:37 am

Yes I agree with this. ""Being gay isn’t a problem. Living in a world that doesn’t fully accept gay people is.""

No I am not convinced that a 5 year old knows what his or her sexual orientation is. I don't think this mother was wise when it came to publishing her son's costuming choice on the internet. When he is old enough to declare his sexual orientation he may not be thanking her.

Reply
Ian C - My Twist News link
11/18/2010 03:19:10 am

Wow. Squidward is gay? There is no way my kids are watching Spongebob ever again. How could they mislead people like that? I always thought Patrick was the gay one. After all he is pink. And a starfish to boot.

*serious face*
I have to agree with MOM on this one entirely. I don't want my son to be gay because life is tough enough being straight. But it is what it is. I can't choose for him.

We love him unconditionally and will be in his corner all the way. No matter what choices he makes. Unless he wants to be a drug dealer or a wife beater in which case I will personally kick his ass.

Reply
Maura
11/18/2010 03:31:52 am

Awesome post! So very, very true. But you outed Squidward! ;)

Reply
Mom link
11/18/2010 03:42:32 am

@timethief - You make such a good point about the blogger mom using her child in a post. I'll be honest, I hadn't thought about it until today. I hope the boy's life isn't more difficult due to his mom's actions. Still, I like the message of the post.
@Ian - Of course Squidward is gay! He loves interpretive dance, doesn't he? ;) As for that whole drug dealer/wife beater scenario, I am so with you on that!
@Maura - At least I didn't publicly out Spongebob and Patrick's romantic relationship....wait a second...oops.

Reply
Juliana link
11/18/2010 07:36:12 pm

Hi Janene - a great post and written from a perspective only a mother could truly understand. I have 3 sons and always knew that I love them unconditionally whatever their individual sexual orientation may be. However, as enlightened as I am, I can admit to being relieved whan all 3 turn out to be hetrosexual because as you so rightly say:
"Being gay isn’t a problem. Living in a world that doesn’t fully accept gay people is."
Life is tough enough without constantly having to fight for sexual acceptance.
As for the mom who wrote the blog post, well I don't think anyone should condemn her, I suspect she will have learned a painful lesson. Like all of us, its only through pain do we truly grow.
Smiles and blessings

Reply
Mom link
11/18/2010 10:11:15 pm

Julianna - Thanks for your comment. About writing from a perspective 'only a mother could truly understand,' you might be right. To someone young or without kids, my words might sound brash. I hope they understand it has nothing to do with a child's sexuality, but a desire to spare them from any undue pain. It's sad we live in a world where this is a concern.

I'm reaching out and giving my gay friends a hug right now. We don't talk much about their struggles as a teen, but I know they had them. You guys are awesome!

Reply
Jeremy from We Took The Bait link
11/19/2010 03:30:18 pm

Woah, woah, woah.... are you implying that the Wiggles aren't cool?

Reply
Mom link
11/20/2010 12:06:39 am

Jeremy,
hehehe. Though I don't think they're cool, I do know they are very rich. That certainly gives them a certain cache!

Reply
coolingstar9 link
11/21/2010 02:18:09 am

Yes, parents need to guide kids when they are young.
Parents should not take it lightly because parents are the one can cultivate them so that they can handle well in their future.

Reply
Mom link
11/21/2010 03:36:16 am

Coolingstar,
So true! The hardest part is when you have to step away, hoping you've raised your kids well enough to handle things well on their own. Scary, but necessary.

Reply
Brother
11/22/2010 02:09:20 am

Hi, there!

I just wanted to thank you for writing such a thoughtful post. The USA is pretty uptight and we seem to think raising boys as hard-nosed businessmen without a smidge of compassion is the way to go. It's always good to teach some humanity and compassion to our sons, even if it can look a little awkward to others. Sounds like your son is on his way to being a metrosexual and you should be proud!

Reply
Mom link
11/22/2010 06:47:49 am

Brother,

Aw, shucks. Making me blush. What you said is so. I can't remember if I've said this before, but I think the whole homophobia thing has really crippled straight men. I wonder when the last time some of them has put their heart on their sleeve or given their best buddy a hug. Those things are 'gay.' 'Real men' don't do them. It didn't used to be that way. Sad, really.

Reply
Bill Y link
11/24/2010 04:19:22 am

Never have I wanted to be a Mom so much. The site rocks. Keep up the good work.

Bill Y

Reply
Mom link
11/24/2010 05:23:42 am

Bill,
If you like the site, that means you rock, too! ;) Seriously, thanks for the kind words.

Reply
Nicone link
11/30/2010 06:00:36 pm

Hi Mom, great post! I can totally relate to what you're saying. Although I would accept it completely if one of my kids turned out to be gay (at least I hope I would, does anyone really know until they actually face it?) and still love them unconditionally, I wouldn't *want* them to be gay for the same reasons stated in your post.

I would do anything to spare my children pain and suffering if I could. One of the most difficult challenges we face as parents is letting go and releasing our children into the world, cruel as it can be. But it is necessary to do it, and unfortunately there is no way we can protect them from suffering. They'll probably have their share, and all we can do is be there and support them through it.

And... I think a lot of fathers understand this too. ;-)

Reply
Mom link
11/30/2010 10:12:21 pm

Nicone,
What a great response. I agree with it all. I so wish I could protect my kids from the big, bad world but know at some point I can't. Like you said, at some point all I can do is support them. So hard.

Reply



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