Remember when I said beauty comes from within? Well, I lied. You’re no better than your looks. Personality, smarts and talent mean nothing if they're not packaged in a pretty shell.
But don't worry. I'm her to rescue you with some products that will make you smile -- but don’t. Please. Smiling wrinkles your skin, plus you really need to whiten your teeth.
First off, about that smile. Why not use Face Refrain, the expression inhibitor serum? Just apply this invisible liquid to 'retrain your brain, and therefore your body, to decrease or completely stop repetitive facial expressions that can result in creases and eventually, wrinkles.’ It’s form a tape to prevent you from ‘repetitive facial expressions’ like scowling or smiling. Living without expressing emotion is good for many reasons. Keeping it all inside makes your
insides boil, which burns more calories…or does it cause cardiac damage? I forget.
If you’re already
wrinkled, you might need to continue to plan B. Use Baba De Caracol Original Snail Slime facial cream. Remember ‘original.’ Don’t fall for imitations. All slimes are not the same!
Let’s move on to your nose. It better be one of those cute upturned ones. It’s not? Then you’re clearly second tier. No worries. Just use the Beauty Life High Nose. ‘The supports hold your nose in place the buzzing will help shape your nose into just that little bit firmer and higher.’Love the grammar. This product must be top notch!
Of course, we can’t forget lips. There are a ton of plumpers out there, but none more fun that the Luscious Lip Pumper. That's right. I said ‘pumper,’not ‘plumper.’ No silly creams or lipsticks here. Instead, just use the vacuum pump to get ‘full, pouty, more kissable lips in seconds!' Side note: bruising should not occur if the conditioning process is carefully followed. Plus what’s wrong with bruising, anyway? It’s like mottled lipstick that won’t easily come off!
Now boobs aren’t part of your face, but you can’t deny their importance.
Without big boobs, women must rely on their personalities to get dates. Such a horror! My favorite product? F-Cup Cookies. They’re FDA-unapproved! Plus you get to eat cookies. Double bonus. This product is (very definitely) too good to be true!
Still, if you’re on a diet and can't eat cookies -- which you should be unless you're a size 0 -- increase your size party-style with the wine rack bra. Just fill it with your favorite beverage and slosh your way to high stylin’.
I'm sure there are more horrible -- I mean awesome -- products out there to make you more beautiful. If you've got one, please share. We all need a little help, don't we?