My family just got back from a swimming adventure in the Wisconsin Dells, a place that has so many water parks it’s not only the water park capital of the world but, as evidenced by the graphic, The Water Park Capital of the World!®

I have to say, it was nice knowing the kids were finally at the age where I didn’t have to watch them every second for fear they might drown,* and I’m happy to report that despite all of the long slung swimsuits I saw, the only butt crack I witnessed was on the back of Moosejaw’s pizza delivery van:

Anyway, given that it's Spring Break season and, therefore, swimsuit time for many, I thought I'd share a few tips and observations about swimsuit selection and waterpark behavior. First off, though, if you are older and plan on a wet and wild trip with friends and not family, for god's sake, please click here for some important safety tips.

Okay, then. Here I go:

For starters, (and I'm not saying this from personal experience...well, actually I am, but still), if you're wearing an old suit with leg hole elastic as loose and flappy as Steven Tyler’s lips, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- attempt the body slides unless you are prepared for full cheek exposure. If you’re body-sliding in a bikini, it goes without saying: keep your arms crossed over your chest.

Don't buy a white suit, even if it's cute, 90% off the retail price and you have a coupon burning a hole in your Hello Kitty wallet. If you plan on getting wet, you'll regret your choice. Please don't ask me to explain further.

If you choose to wear a va-va-va-voom swimsuit, remember that you might not just catch the eye of that cute guy in the hot tub but that creppy guy on the other side of the hot tub, too. No means no, and all of that jazz. Just realize that you can't always choose the type of attention you want to receive -- a point that's true no matter what you wear.

Shoulders back, people! Girls who walk around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame look like they are embarrassed by their bodies and have zero confidence in themselves. I don't care how big or small your chest is, how tall or short you are, or whatever real or imagined situation you've got going on, keep your back straight.

Wearing full make up at a water park just looks downright silly. A little waterproof mascara, maybe some waterproof eyeliner are no problem as long as their used sparingly. But bright green eye shadow and glittery lip gloss? It's a water park, for cripes sake!

And finally, let me note that I saw hundreds of people and NOT ONE looked like they’d walked off the pages of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Granted, that’s not always the case. So called ‘perfect’ bodies do exist. But if you don’t think you’ve got one, don’t sweat it. When I was younger, I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked when, truthfully, I was the only one who really cared. Just having fun and smiling improves your appearance 100%.

Anyway, that's my advice. Feel free to leave some of your own. I hope you have (or had) a nice break!
Personally, I'm just glad no one died. If you know my family, you'll know I'm not kidding. Well, I'm kind of kidding.


* Actually, one of my kids almost drowned, but I telling you that so soon into the post just made me feel like a failure as a mother. We still had fun.

Photo credit: Jackie Murphy
(Side note: You KNOW you have the coolest mother-in-law when she takes a picture of a moose's butt for you without even batting an eye. Thanks for embracing the zaniness, Jackie. You rock!