It’s been over two weeks since my last post and, sorry to say, I’ve still got nuttin’. Sure, a few seeds were planted. I just couldn't seem to get them to germinate this time. Like this new trend in shoes. Heelless? Really? Who came up with that?
And this road sign I came across a few weeks ago. I should haven been able to make a joke about that.
I swear to God this isn't Photoshopped.
But I couldn’t. My mind has been cluttered. There's just so much going on right now. And as much as I'd love for you to believe I've got it all together, I just don't.
For some reason that makes me think of Sturgis, that motorcycle festival in South Dakota. Why? Well, years back when my family was on the road during vacation we saw a man on a motorcycle. He was huge, with tattooed arms, a shaved head and a scraggly beard. Simply put, he looked scary. That is, until we saw the back of his motorcycle. Then we had to giggle. There, attached with duct tape, was a cardboard sign that said, “Stoogis or bust.”
Yep. You read that right. Stoogis. It's hard to look like a badass when you make a mistake like that.
I have to admit, when I see people goof up like that, I feel better about myself. Not in an ‘I’m better than you’ kind of way, but more of a ‘looks like I’m not the only one who doesn’t have life all figured out.’
We all have struggles, things we don’t want other to know lest they judge us as less than absolutely perfect. In our society it’s so important that people see us as having our lives under total control. I feel such pressure to be the perfect mom, perfect friend, perfect writer, perfect wife. And I’m not. Not even close. I don’t have all the answers. Heck, I don’t even know all of the questions.
So if you ever feel like you don’t measure up, don’t worry. You’re in good company. It’s rare to find someone who thinks they've got life all figured out, and those people are usually jerks.
Just keep on plugging and do the best that you can. That’s all anyone can ask. If you make a mistake, I'm might giggle, but I'll also forgive you. Promise me you'll do the same.
It happened again. One of my pleasantly perfect friends just posted a Facebook status (not evenly remotely) similar to this:
That’s right. She was fake flaunting her magnificent culinary skills, an area in which I’m sadly lacking. You see, as a mom, I have a terrible inferiority complex. I'm always worried I don't measure up. I don't want to be one of those women who bring home the bacon and fry in up in the pan. I want to one of those women who bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, then crumble it into a savory bolognese sauce and serve it over pasta al dente.
Sadly, I am not one of those women. Still, I try my best. Take last night’s dinner. I think I fared pretty well....
For my husband, I went all out and served him Banquet’s salisbury steak meal.
Ahhh. There’s nothing like errant corn nibblets swimming in brown gravy to get the salivary glands going. Notice the potatoes, effortlessly stirred to make them extra fluffy. And that green stuff on the plate below the tray? A sprig of parsley, just like they do in fancy restaurants. Okay, so it’s tarragon. I didn’t have parsley. And yes, it’s just dried leaves out of a McCormicks bottle. But I made the effort so I demand some credit. Would anyone else ever think to do that?
Don’t answer that. Instead, take a look at the beverage so beautifully positioned by the plate. I could have made lemonade from scratch, but that would have denied my husband his daily requirement of Yellow dye #5. Instead, I went with Kool Aid lemonade -- made with an extra pinch of sugar because I’m sweet. Not only that, I served it up in a wine glass. Because I’m classy.
Since my kids rarely like the same thing that my husband and I do, I went a little crazy and microwaved something different for them: Banquet chicken pot pies.
Here's a sample. You may not be able to tell, but I went the extra mile and created a smilie face on the crust by poking holes on it with a fork. Yeah, that’s me. Just adding a little extra magic to the experience. And, yes, after I microwaved it the face did look like it threw up a little bit, but I think my kids still appreciated the effort.
Scooby Doo fruit snacks were added a a side dish to fulfill their vitamin C requirement. As for veggies? No worries. Carrot cubes and peas were already in the pie -- so much nutrition in one place! Of course, I served up more Yellow Dye #5 in Olive Garden kiddie cups. Nothing like a touch of whimsy to make the dining experience special.
So there you have it: family dinner made with a touch of Mom’s love. Please hold your applause until this post is over, which is now.
I’m taking a bow.
It kills me. Every year I can't wait for school to get out and summer to begin so I can relax a little. Then it finally happens and I find myself even busier than before. Needless to say, posting every week has become impossible. I did, however, jot down a few pearls of wisdom for those who need a quick 'mom' fix. Here they are:
1. A penny saved is… not much. These days, if you really want something, start saving nickels and dimes.
2. If all the cool kids are doing it, don’t.
3. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, get it out of the house before it poops on the floor.
4. Good things come to those who work their butts off.
5. If you get knocked down, you can get right back up. If you get knocked up, it ain’t so easy.
I wouldn't be a mom if I didn't also remind you to make sure and wear sunscreen this summer. Back in the day, we laid out in the sun all day slathered in baby oil. Now we're all wrinkled and crinkled with freaky brown speckles everywhere. Want that to be you? Plus the whole skin cancer threat is very real and very scary.
And, of course, don't forget the sage advice given by John F. Kennedy during his inagural speech in 1961:
Fake statistics show that homes are 300% messier and 400% more out of control during the summer months. Give your mom a break and help out every once in a while, K?
Well, back into the chaos. Ciao for now!
Since we're close to the new year, I thought I'd give you a little motherly advice to carry you into 2011.
Okay, where to start...
- Never eat a hot dog from a quickie mart. Ever.
- If you have trouble figuring things out the first time, don't skydive.
- That bit about wearing clean underwear just in case you get into an accident? It really is a good idea. (Don't ask how I know this, just trust me.)
- The only thing to fear is fear itself...and creepy guys that hang out at the mall...and green lunch meat...and sheer mountain drop offs...and -- Oh, for crying out loud! Who made up that crappy saying? There is PLENTY to fear so always keep your eyes open.
Sorry guys, that's all I've got for now. I promise to post more later. To round things out, how about a sickeningly sweet sentiment accompanied by super cute animal photos? Yes, I know. It's not my style, but I've had fluffy puppies on the brain all week and I need to purge. Be warned, though, the following message has so much sugar it may induce your gag reflex. Grab your barf bag and let's go!
UPDATE: Okay, here's the deal. The original post did have a super syrupy little story accompanied by cute animal photos. At the time, the photos used were all listed as 'free-use.' Well, lo and behold, one of the 'free-use' photos I used was just spotted on a greeting card. Looks like the photographer, unbeknowst to me, cashed in and sold the dang thing. Good for the photographer. Bad for me. Truth be told, I kinda freaked out. So I decided to go back and scrap the story. Tragic, I know., but I had to. But never fear, if you came here for cute animal photos I will not disappoint. Below, please find some Creative Commons photos of little cutie patooties. That's right. I'm not just looking out for me, but for you, too. **HUGS**