If you haven't seen the movie ‘The Sixth Sense’ this post may confuse you. If you have seen it, you will know why I need Bruce Willis’ help.
One of my kids sees dead people.
How do I know? Well, when I left the kitchen a few minutes ago it looked like this: When I returned it looked like this: What. The. Frick.
To my dismay, I can’t figure out which of my kids speaks with the dead. Could it be…
kid #1, who is currently eating ice cream on the couch? (Which, BTW, is in clear violation of house rules.)
kid #2, who is sitting next to child #1 with a huge bowl of freshly made popcorn?
or kid #3, who is glued in front of the computer with a mountain of Slim Jim wrappers in his lap?
None of them will fess up.
In all seriousness, is it that hard to close a cabinet door? The task doesn’t even require opposable thumbs. Even our cat could do it and, trust me, he’s not that bright. He thinks the $2 teddy bear I bought for him at Target is his baby.
Sigh. It doesn’t look like Bruce is showing up. I’ll have to solve this mystery on my own. After that I’ve got to take the kids’ bathroom towels to the psychologist. They keep jumping off their racks and landing on the floor. Suicide? Really? There’s has to be a better answer. The towels need help. I do, too.
Where’s Bruce Willis when you need him?
 Oh, what a 'Life.' Right now I am angry, sad and more than a little confused. Why?
Because no one will play Boggle with me.
That's right. Not even one of my kids will sacrifice their precious time to play a board game with me. Yeah, yeah. It may sound petty to you, but think of where I'm coming from. In the last decade and a half...
- I've played Candyland and Chutes and Ladders over 3,267,014 times. Oh, the joy I felt of witnessing crushing disappointment when a child landed on squares forcing them back near the beginning of the game. The fact that it extended game play an additional half hour was even more pleasurable.
- In the hours upon hours of 'Barbie' play time I've played the roles of Ken, Barbie's sister, Barbie's mother, Barbie's teacher, Barbie's cult leader, but NEVER BARBIE. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Sigh.
-Elefun? More like Elepain-in-the=a**.
- Devoting five full minutes to set up Don't Break the Ice only to have some sweet toddler with a demonic facial expression smash the whole dang thing in two seconds flat? MOST. FUN. EVER.
- Sorry? Absolutely.
-Think I ever got to choose my game piece color first? Nope. Always last. Getting the race car in Monopoly was a dream never realized. It still haunts me.
I could go on, but it's just too painful. Yet I did it all with a smile folks, even when I was pleading inside for sweet Jeezus to take me away. And where is my reward? Certainly not sitting across the table from me, pencil and paper in hand, ready to find as many words as possible in three minutes flat.
That's right. You heard me.
Boggle takes only three stinkin' minutes to play.
Oh, how it feels to be appreciated after all those years of torture.
Thanks, kids. Thanks a lot.
photo link from nutmeg on flickr
 I feel your pain, kiddo. Another website recently reported that some teen girls are so obsessed with fame they are trying to get pregnant in order to audition for MTV’s reality show, Teen Mom. How delightful!
Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know. The info came from nameless ‘industry insiders.’ Regardless, I feel the need to address any poor soul who, in the hopes of scoring fifteen minutes of fame, ends up with a million minutes of misery.
That’s right. You heard me. Motherhood sucks.
Okay, so it doesn’t suck all the time, but I’d be lying if I said it’s a bed of roses. Moms deal with a lot of crap, both literally and figuratively. Along with many great moments come a lot of awful ones…and boring ones...and bang-your-head-against-the-refrigerator ones, too.
Now before I continue, let me give props to Teen Mom. They don’t glamorize motherhood and do a fair job of showing how hard it can be. Still, MTV is in the business of entertainment and what they highlight on the show reflects the most interesting parts of the girl’s lives. ‘Interesting’ doesn’t always mean ‘good.’ In fact, a lot of it’s bad. Still, it’s interesting.
When you have a baby, there’s not a lot of ‘interesting.’ In the beginning, your life revolves around feeding the baby, rocking the baby, and changing the baby’s diaper. Not the best prime-time TV fare. And those diapers? They don’t smell like freshly baked apple pies, and newborns go through at least eight a day. You have to feed them eight times a day, too, and not just during daylight hours. There are midnight feedings, 2 AM feedings, 4 AM feedings…. Get the picture? Trust me, when you have a baby you never look at a pillow the same way again.
As they get older you don’t have to change their diapers and feed them as often. Instead, your time is spent running around after them making sure they don’t ruin everything you own or, God forbid, get hurt. Until a kid is at least three years-old, if you don’t watch them every minute they could die. Seriously. Did you know that most moms with young kids go to the bathroom with the door open? They're not exhibitionists. They just need to be available every single moment in case something terrible happens.
Case in point: One day I really had to ‘go’ (‘nuff said). Feeling brave, I left my then twenty month-old son on the couch and went to the bathroom fifteen feet away. I couldn’t see him from there, but he was engrossed in Dora the Explorer so I thought I was safe. A few minutes later I heard a soft whooshing sound. Was water running somewhere?
Yep. As soon as I hit the john, my son had headed up the stairs and into the master bath’s Jacuzzi. By the time I got up there, the tub was filled with five inches of water. He was too little to be able to get out of the tub on his own. If I hadn’t arrived in time….Luckily, I arrived in time.
I’d like to say things like that didn’t happen often, but I’d be lying. When you have a toddler, crazy stuff happens all the time. Their life is literally in your hands.
As for that mention earlier about Dora the Explorer? Be warned. All those annoying children’s programs, music, and toys will dominate your life. Forget Pretty Little Liars. You’re on the Yo Gabba Gabba bandwagon now.
As kids get older things don’t get easier, the challenges just change. There’s so much activity! The next time someone asks for my address, I’m just going to give them my license plate number. Plus all the cooking, cleaning, helping with homework. Holy frickin' moly.
Still, it’s the mental aspect that’s toughest for me. Even though I have good kids, sometimes we struggle to get along. Shocking, I know. Plus I love them with every fiber in my being and want them to grow into happy, successful adults. A lot of pressure goes with that. I’m constantly worrying about how well they do in school, do they have enough friends, do they have the right friends, etc. The worrying never stops. Heck, I’m forty-three and my mom still worries about me. When you sign up to be a mom, you sign up to place someone else’s needs over your own for at least eighteen years. Is that worth a photospread in Okay magazine? Not in my notebook.
Now I’m not saying don’t have kids. There's a lot of joy in parenting, too. Just don’t have them when you’re a teen. There’s so much out there you've yet to experience. Doing it with a child is so hard. Somethings you can't do at all. Getting an education, travelling…even going out to a movie is tough. To give all that up for a shot at temporary stardom? Crazy.
Well, I’m done here. I hope I made my point. Now go give your mom a hug. She deserves it.
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