J.R. Martinez, Adele, Pippa Middleton’s butt -- there were many shining stars in 2011. But for every hyper giant there was a white dwarf that collapsed, creating a black hole of misery for all. Yes, my dears, I’m talking about the Celebrity Losers of 2011. Below are the people Mom is very disappointed in this year:
Let's begin with the group awards. The first Group of Losers award goes to...
Yes, Kim. Shocking choice.
I can’t tell you just how sick I am of the ridiculousness that is this family and Kim’s failed nuptials takes the ($20,000 wedding) cake. Sure, I’ve seen her tears and heard the whole ‘fool for love’argument, but I’m just not buying it. Could it be the fact that the primary news organization feeding us all this crap happens to be the same one that owns the show? Or maybe it’s the fact that Kim wants to keep the 20.5 karat diamond engagement ring Kris gave her ‘for sentimental reasons.’ Then, of course, is Kris Jenner’s admission that Kim made no money off the wedding. Really? Because for 72 days all we heard
about was the $14.5 million she made and no one said a word. It wasn’t until AFTER the divorce backlash hit that she told us the ‘truth.’ Sorry, that sounds more like damage control to me. For all of you Kardashian lovers out there, please know I think Kris Humphries is a jerk. No love is lost on him, either.
The second Group of Losers award goes to...
The cast of Jersey Shore a.k.a. America’s Biggest Embarrassment. How are they not all on Valtrex by now? The worst ones this season are no surprise: Mike Sorrentino (The Situation), who proved to be an even bigger tool than before. I’d go into detail if I had a bucket of anti-bacterial gel to dunk my hands into after I type, but I don’t. I will say that smashing his own face into a wall was pretty funny….and loser appropriate. As for Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki? Ditto on the antibacterial thing. If I hear the word ‘cuca’one more time I’m going to barf. And telling a priest to "Shut up, a**hole," when he asks her to cover up her body while walking past his church shows just how much class she really has. This entire show is one huge petri dish. It just makes me cringe.
Individual Awards go to....
Charlie Sheen Winning the award as funniest (and scariest) star implosion has got to go to Charlie. With phrases like ‘Duh! Winnning!’ ‘tiger’s blood,’ and ‘Adonis DNA’ he was personally responsible for adding at least a dozen new sayings into the American Lexicon. His infamous rants on the radio, which included making fun of his then boss, Chuck Lorre (not smart) lost him his $1.25 million per episode gig on Two and a Half Men. His one man tour, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option Show, bombed with many booing him off the stage and demanding refunds.
Oh, come on, Lindsay Lohan. Again? She’s been on the loser list for so long now, I fear she’ll end up doing an Amy Winehouse. When your biggest gig for the year is posing nude for Playboy, that isn’t a good sign. Jail time, alleged necklace stealing, and WAY too much partying -- this girl is an absolute train wreck. The days of The Parent Trap and Mean Girls are long gone. Sad.
But he's still cute. No fair.
Ashton Kutcher Things were really looking up when he landed the Two and a Half Men gig. Too bad he couldn’t keep his pee pee in his pants. Cheating on wife Demi Moore? Shame on him! Of course, after the news broke the show’s ratings rocketed. What is wrong with us as a country? Argh!
At least he’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger. The jerk not only had an affair with the family’s housekeeper, he had a secret love child with her that he kept secret for fourteen years while the maid still worked for his family. When the child started looking too much like him, his wife, Maria Shriver, started asking questions. That must have been a horrifying discovery -- Maria went to the boy’s christening, all the while thinking it was her maid's husband’s son. Arnold is officially terminated in my book.
Taylor Armstrong (a.k.a. Shana Hughes, Shana Taylor, Taylor Ford, Taylor Ford-Armstrong, and Liar Liar Pants on Fire) It’s hard to feel sorry for this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star, despite her supposedly abusive husband’s suicide in August. She’s a narcissistic con artist with more bogus business dealings than aliases. Can you trust anything she says? She tried to pass herself off as an heir to the Ford Motor Company, for cripes sake! Did I mention she’s a horrible mom, too? Grrr.
At least he's acting classy here.
Chris Brown I know, I know. All that business about him beating then girlfriend Rihanna took place a while ago. I’ve got to say, With some things it’s hard to say 'bygones will be bygones.’ That’s especially true after his stint on Good Morning America back in March. After Robin Robert’s asked him about his past misdeeds, he trashed his dressing room and broke a window with a chair. Way to be a man about it, Chris.
As for a celebrity by association, who can forget Mariah Yeter, the girl who claimed Justin Bieber was her baby daddy. The twenty year-old recanted after Bieber said, “No prob. I’ll just take a DNA test.” The realization that, if her claim had been true, she could have been prosecuted for statutory rape might have also factored into it. Kudos to the Biebs for keeping a cool head and handling the situation with class.
And even though he’s not technically a celebrity, it’s hard for me not to mention Congressman Anthony Weiner tweeting his…well…wiener to a Seattle college student earlier this year. Admitting inappropriate electronic relationship with six women over three years, this guy was a total putz and a boon for comics across the nation.
And there you have it, my top pics for 2011's biggest celebrity losers. Have I missed anyone? Let me know!
All photos from wikimedia except Weiner's (public domain).