 Hey, guys. I know it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. What can I say? Life's so busy. Plus today's the last day of school for my crew, which means things are about to get crazier.
I did, however, find something so silly I felt it needed posting. Take a look: Laser? Waxing? Electrolysis? The girl should explore her options. :) Anyway -- oh, man, I can't believe I'm doing this -- you might know that I like to write novels. In fact, these past two weeks I've been finishing one. It's done. Feels so good! I've never published a book, though. Let me tell you, it's hard to get noticed in the publishing world. But I'm seriously thinking of self-publishing, something a lot of authors are doing lately. I'm worried, however. What if people think my books suck? Will they poke me with sticks? It's kept me and my books under a self-imposed quarantine. That is, until now. Lately, I've been hearing about this whole YOLO thing. You know, the motto 'You Only Live Once.' Zac Efron even had 'YOLO' tattoed between his butt cheeks -- or on his hand. I can't remember exactly. Anyway, I decided to stick my neck out there and post the first chapter of one of my books. Called Taking Her Time, it's about a girl who travels back to 1956 to prevent her own murder. Sound freaky? Good. That's because it is. I gotta warn you, it's not like the stuff I write here, though you'll find a giggle or two. I thought it best to keep my insanity a secret, just between you and me. Promise me you won't tell? So here's the deal: If you're interested, here's a link to the first chapter. Read it if you'd like. If you think the book would be something you'd like to read, If it's not, tell me that, too. At the same time, if you'd rather just giggle at the hairy armed girl, that's cool, as well. I'm just happy you're here -- though you should really go away and do something better with your brain!
Oh my god, you’re psychic! How do I know? Just look at this: See? You just read my mind! The proof is RIGHT THERE.
Sorry, that was silly. I do have some real proof, though. Just open your mind and guess which photo is going to appear below.
Is it...
a) a duck
b) a tree
c) a car, or
d) a double-yolked egg I cracked open last week that looks just like a butt?
Once you think you've got the answer, scroll down.
...keep going....
...almost there....
Ta da! IT'S THE DUCK!  That baby's got back! I'm kidding. It's the butt egg. I just couldn't resist...but you knew that, didn't you? ;)
I rest my case.
Psychic.
 In light of the new Avengers movie coming out, I grew concerned that there might be people out there who don't know which superheroes are Avengers and which superheroes are not. So, as a public service, I created the following tutorial:
AVENGER/
NOT AVENGER
Iron Man: Avenger  Wow. Tony Stark's budget has been slashed! Batman: NOT an Avenger  Every day life can be boring for superheroes too. Thor: Avenger  I think this is the 'This Is Spinal Tap' version. Spiderman: NOT an Avenger...in this movie. Maybe he'll appear in a sequel?  That is one web I do NOT want to get caught in. Captain America: Avenger  Giving new meaning to 'six pack abs' Flash: NOT an Avenger  It wasn't easy finding another six pack-themed photo. YOU'RE WELCOME. Black Widow: Avenger  Okay, so maybe she didn't have the superhero in mind... Wonder Woman: NOT an Avenger  She has really let herself go. The Hulk: Avenger  Wait. Wrong Hulk...  Okay. That's more like it. Superman: NOT an Avenger  Sorry, he was too cute to pass up! Hawkeye: Avenger  Inside joke for people over 40. This guy: Definitely NOT an Avenger  I honestly don't know what to say here. Anyway, I hope everyone is more enlightened now. Have a great week!
Photo credits: I scoured the internets for these photos, peeps, and found a bevy of goofiness. Click on the photos for site credits, then check them out. Some are hilarious! (Hawkeye is mine, though. Gotta contribute.)
 I'm doing the best that I can! I’m sorry it’s been two weeks since my last post, but the gods have been against me. My hubby was gone, I went on a reading jag, plus couldn’t stop day-dreaming about winning The Voice. (You should have heard my rendition of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. I absolutely KILLED in that fantasy segment.) Sure, there may have been a few other things, like my sister passing along the first season of the new Dr. Who*, forcing me into a wildly happy but comatose state in front of the television for a while, but outside of that I have been TOTALLY ON TASK.Okay, so maybe there was that time I spent an inappropriately long time adding photos to my ‘Funny Celebrity Photos’ board on Pinterest. Don’t judge me. It’s hard not to pass by a photo of Christina Aguilera looking all ‘crazed blow up doll’ and not do something about it.
 Get some class, yogurt! And maybe most people don’t get so upset that yogurt, even though it’s supposed to be ‘cultured,’ always seems to spit in my face when I peel back the foil on the container. And maybe most don't take that rage and spend an hour composing a letter to Yoplait saying, ‘We put a man on the moon, for cripe’s sake. Can’t you tame yogurt!’
And sure, obsessing about the word ‘phlegm,’ and how it wins the trifecta for not only looking and sounding gross but also representing something gross, too, is not something normal people do for half a day, but that makes me unique, people. Roll with it.
Anyway, I’ve got to go now. I found yet another funny photo of Britney Spears -- man, that girl never ceases to disappoint -- and if I don’t add it to Pinterest right now the world will explode. Neither of us want that to happen. Bye!
 Just sleepy, or the beginning of zombie transformation? * If you are aghast by my love of Dr. Who, you are not alone. It is pretty clear from my blog posts that I am one cool chick and in no way a geek. Seriously….okay, not seriously.
 You are never going to believe what I just found out.
I'M FILTHY, STINKING RICH!
I found not one or two, but three separate credit card offers in my mailbox today! If I play things right, my spending power is about to increase three-fold! A world of riches will be mine, and the excitement doesn't even end there.
The credit company I do use just sent me an updated card as well. Along with it they sent me another completely different card. I didn't have to ask!
That’s right. I got an unsolicited American Express card. I thought it had to be a mistake. I'd never applied or even asked for one, but my credit card confirmed that it was mine. You see, they had been worried because my current card wasn’t accepted at Neiman Marcus. Such a travesty!
Alas, Neiman Marcus, with their upscale, over-priced clothes. That's my kind of shopping...except it isn't, really. In fact, I only have one thing in my closet from Neiman Marcus: a Marc Jacobs black fringed top I’d found double tagged on a clearance rack at Filene’s Basement.
Truth is, financially my family does okay because I don’t go credit card crazy. Credit cards can lure you into spending money, especially when you shouldn't.
I still remember back during my college days when a friend got her very first card. Her first bill was $34. She let it slide, rolling the bill to next month. Then she rolled it again. Six months later, finance charges and late fees turned that $34 into over $200. She nearly had a heart attack.
When it comes to credit cards, don't carry too many and do your best to pay them off every month. My rule is if I can’t pay for something straight out of my checking account, I can’t afford it on my credit card bill, either.
If you want a few more tips when it comes to credit cards, loans and money, take a peek below:
MOM'S MONEY TIPS
1. 'Special offers' aren't really special. If a company or salesman says you've been 'specially selected,’ don’t feel flattered. They just want your money. It’s called marketing.
2. ‘Low, easy payments’ are no deal. The lower your monthly payment, the more you pay in the end. Here's an example:
Say you take out a 6% loan for $5000.
- If you take out a 1 year loan, you’ll pay $430/month for 12 months. TOTAL: $5164.
- If you take out a 3 year loan, you’ll pay $152/month for 36 months. TOTAL: $5476.
- If you take out a 5 year loan, you’ll pay $97/month for 60 months. TOTAL: $5800.
3. Always ask yourself: Do you need it now, or can you wait? If you can wait, put that money in the bank until you’ve saved enough to buy it outright. For all you know, by that time you might not need or want it anymore.
4. Paying full retail price is for chumps. Wait until it’s on sale.
5. Cars are an expense, not an investment. Man, I've seen a lot of people become slaves to their car payments. Don't let that be you. Make sure buy a vehicle you can comfortably afford. Plus remember, its value decreases as as soon as you drive it off the dealer's lot.
6. It’s all about give and take. If you find something expensive that you absolutely must have, ask yourself what you’re willing to give up in order to get it.
7. The little things add up. A $3 cup of Starbucks coffee every morning = $90/month. Yowsers.
8. Time is money. If you make $8/hr and wait until those killer $60 jeans go on sale for $40, you're not just saving $20 but 2-1/2 hours of work.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Make me proud and spend your money wisely! And if you're wondering what happened to those offers and the American Express card, they're in the trash.
 Ah, Easter candy -- a mother’s dream! Well, actually, it's more like a diabetic coma. That is, unless you love watching sugar-infused kids destroy your house, leaving smears of chocolate all along your walls.
Okay, so it’s not that bad, but some of the candy can be. Let's celebrate that now, shall we? Here’s a list of the worst Easter candy out there. Tell me if you agree...
Peeps
I have to start with these unnaturally-colored hardened marshmallows encased in a sugary shell. Even the most hard-core fructose fans can’t stomach these. The only cool thing about them is their dress-up potential:
 Thank you, Gramma Vandal! Cadbury Eggs  When I get a chocolate egg, nothing pleases me more than cracking it open and finding snot. Yum!
Tootsie Rolls  Really? I don’t CARE if they’ve been wrapped in pastel wrappers, they're still Tootsie Rolls! My kids still have some in the bottoms of their Halloween buckets. Enough!
Jordan almonds  Let’s be honest, the only place you see these are on your great grandma’s coffee table in a cut crystal bowl. They’ve been sitting there since last Easter and no one’s touched them yet. I dare you to eat one. I dare you!
Bunny teeth  Mmmm...teeth. What more can I say? It's such a savory concept. Don't they look appetizing? I can't wait to eat my baby chick beak gummmies next.
Religious suckers  Silly me. Easter is all about Jesus, which means there’s no better time to remind children they were born in sin, don't you think? I thought so. Amen!
Chocolate-flavored Easter bunnies
Why have chocolate when you can have chocolate flavor instead? Seriously, what is this stuff made out of any way? Spend the extra 50 cents and get real chocolate, for cripes sake. To help you out, I’ve found two suitable choices:
 Dude and the Zombie Bunny. I would so watch that movie. So there are my picks. What's your least favorite Easter candy? Your favorite? Do tell!
 Lil' Jimmy with horns on his head Warning: This is a shameless promotional piece I am writing on behalf of my brother, Jim. Why am I doing it? Because I owe him. Big.
You see, of the three kids in my family he was not only the youngest growing up but also the only boy. That meant he was subjected to -- how can I say this politely? -- undue torture, girl style. Case in point: my sister and I used to love treating him to full facials, make up and all, while he playfully remained a good sport. One day he finally said enough. (I can’t remember how old he was at the time… 19? 20?) Still, he continued to indulge in our silliness in other ways and ended up becoming one of the most incredibly hilarious people I know.
But there was something about Jim that disturbed me greatly, something I need to explain right now.
Jim was one of those kids who was unbelievably talented, unbelievably creative, as well as unbelievably UNDER achieving. I shook my head at him all the time. It killed me to think of all the great things he could achieve it he’d only put his mind to it. But no. Instead of concentrating on school, he followed his heart and dove into a silly hobby. It revolved around this weird thing Mom and Dad had just bought. What was it called, again? Oh, yeah.
A PERSONAL COMPUTER.
 Me, my sis, Heather and Jim ...with a frisbee on his head. My folks brought it home in 1981. I admit it was kind of neat. But all that Franklin Ace 1000 could really do was word-processing plus some basic spreadsheets.
Well, Jim thought that maybe the machine could do more. Ridiculous, I know. He spent hours on it, learning code on his own through trial and error. Well, guess what? Much to my surprise it turned he COULD teach the computer to do different things. Cool things. Creative things.
As you may have guessed, Jim ended up doing all right in life. Did I tell you he works at Microsoft as an inventor? Not a bad gig for a guy who chose to follow his heart instead of the pre-programmed path for achievement. There might be a lesson in there somewhere.
And now he’s gone and done something cool again. That Mr. Smarty Pants! Or should I say Mr. AND MRS. Smarty Pants….
A while back his wife, Lori, quite the creative genius, herself, thought it would be fun if they did a project together. And though I’m sure the urge to tackle a 1000 piece Hello Kitty Dance Party jigsaw puzzle was strong, they decided to create a cool game. And instead of just thinking about it, they actually did it. And you know what?
The game is AWESOME.
 Jim and Lori today. A total love match. They BOTH love to wear silly things on their heads. (ALERT - promotional part of this post begins now!)
 Ooh! So cool. Me want to buy! Produced by Calliope games, it's called Ugh!, a push your luck card game set playfully in the caveman days. The goal is to try and lock in as many sets of cards as you can before a natural disaster strikes. It’s fun, addictive, and oh so perfect for the entire family. 2-6 people can play, ages 8 and up. I will personally attest to the fact that everyone in my household loves it. Finally, a game my kids will play with me! Hooray! Plus the graphics were designed by John Kovalic, the famous cartoon and illustrator. Cool. So buy it. You’ll love it. You can buy it for $10 online and it’s available in cool shops across the US, too. Just click here for more info on the game as well as how to get it. And before I go, a final word to Jim: I proud of you, bro. I’m proud of Lori, too. It looks like the two of you ended up doing all right. And you did it your way, too. :)
 My family just got back from a swimming adventure in the Wisconsin Dells, a place that has so many water parks it’s not only the water park capital of the world but, as evidenced by the graphic, The Water Park Capital of the World!®
I have to say, it was nice knowing the kids were finally at the age where I didn’t have to watch them every second for fear they might drown,* and I’m happy to report that despite all of the long slung swimsuits I saw, the only butt crack I witnessed was on the back of Moosejaw’s pizza delivery van:
 How'd you like to drive behind that? Anyway, given that it's Spring Break season and, therefore, swimsuit time for many, I thought I'd share a few tips and observations about swimsuit selection and waterpark behavior. First off, though, if you are older and plan on a wet and wild trip with friends and not family, for god's sake, please click here for some important safety tips. Okay, then. Here I go: For starters, (and I'm not saying this from personal experience...well, actually I am, but still), if you're wearing an old suit with leg hole elastic as loose and flappy as Steven Tyler’s lips, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- attempt the body slides unless you are prepared for full cheek exposure. If you’re body-sliding in a bikini, it goes without saying: keep your arms crossed over your chest. Don't buy a white suit, even if it's cute, 90% off the retail price and you have a coupon burning a hole in your Hello Kitty wallet. If you plan on getting wet, you'll regret your choice. Please don't ask me to explain further. If you choose to wear a va-va-va-voom swimsuit, remember that you might not just catch the eye of that cute guy in the hot tub but that creppy guy on the other side of the hot tub, too. No means no, and all of that jazz. Just realize that you can't always choose the type of attention you want to receive -- a point that's true no matter what you wear. Shoulders back, people! Girls who walk around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame look like they are embarrassed by their bodies and have zero confidence in themselves. I don't care how big or small your chest is, how tall or short you are, or whatever real or imagined situation you've got going on, keep your back straight. Wearing full make up at a water park just looks downright silly. A little waterproof mascara, maybe some waterproof eyeliner are no problem as long as their used sparingly. But bright green eye shadow and glittery lip gloss? It's a water park, for cripes sake! And finally, let me note that I saw hundreds of people and NOT ONE looked like they’d walked off the pages of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Granted, that’s not always the case. So called ‘perfect’ bodies do exist. But if you don’t think you’ve got one, don’t sweat it. When I was younger, I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked when, truthfully, I was the only one who really cared. Just having fun and smiling improves your appearance 100%. Anyway, that's my advice. Feel free to leave some of your own. I hope you have (or had) a nice break! Personally, I'm just glad no one died. If you know my family, you'll know I'm not kidding. Well, I'm kind of kidding. * Actually, one of my kids almost drowned, but I telling you that so soon into the post just made me feel like a failure as a mother. We still had fun.
Photo credit: Jackie Murphy
(Side note: You KNOW you have the coolest mother-in-law when she takes a picture of a moose's butt for you without even batting an eye. Thanks for embracing the zaniness, Jackie. You rock!
I dedicated this week exclusively to book writing, so I have no words for you this week. Instead, I created some cute keyboard animals exclusively for your amusement: a bunny, cat, bird and pig. The bunny has been blatantly pilfered from my brother, who I know found it elseewhere on the web. The rest are my own creations -- at least I think they are. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wasted their time this way.
Hope they make you smile. :)
And, BTW, if you haven't seen this video, take a gander. It's hilarious!
I thought it would be cool to have a post dated February 29th, but not cool enough to devote any time to it. So it is in this spirit that I present a few things that popped into my head last night:
Am I a bad mom because I don’t inspect my kids’ posteriors for toilet paper residue? I mean, that mama bear on those Charmin commercials really makes a big deal out of it. My mom never checked my butt and, quite frankly, I’m thankful. But perhaps this indicates some sort of cycle of neglect that, as an enlightened parent, I should rectify. The fact that ‘rectify’ sounds a lot like ‘rectum’ only adds to my puzzlement.
Those Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials with the pieces of cereal eating each other is just plain creepy. It’s cannibalism for God’s sake.
 I feel sorry for pails. Unless you’re building a sandcastle, you never ask for a pail. You always go for a bucket. It always rains in buckets. If you’re loaded, you’ve got buckets of money. When you die, you don't kick the pail. Alas, to always be considered the wimpy, effeminate cousin of the bucket. Poor pails.
I wonder who came up with the idea of fork-splitting English muffins. The whole concept seems unusual to me. Also, the concept of forking a muffin sounds more than a little dirty to me.
Anyway, my ten minutes is up. To make this post somewhat leap year-y, I will end with a cute photo of a frog I snagged from my ‘cute animal photos’ on Pinterest:
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Late addition:  Davy Jones (1945-2012) I just found out one of my very first celebrity crushes died today. Click here to read a post I wrote a little while back featuring him.
I'll miss you, Davy. You always made me smile.
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