For those that haven’t heard, I sprained my ankle on Black Friday. I’ve been on the couch for five days straight. It hasn’t been much fun, but I did learn a few things that I thought I might share with you now:
1. If I stay completely still and don’t utter a sound, I can actually hear my butt spreading. Seriously.
2. There IS a limit to the amount of HGTV a middle-aged mom can watch in one sitting. Who knew?
3. While we’re on the topic of television, The Kardashians have absolutely no business being on the air. The insanity that is their lives is like “I Love Lucy” without laughter or lovable characters. And, yes, Kris Humphries is a bit of a dick, but I would have run out of that New York apartment faster than an oil-soaked Slip n’ Slide if I had to deal with the kind of crap he did.
4. If you have to crawl on your knees in the kitchen, avoid suicidal Froot Loops that jump from the box onto the floor without provocation. They leave a goofy, though pleasantly colorful, stain on your knees when crushed.
5. Ever hear of the classic romance movie, ‘Love Story’? Well, I finally saw it and was surprised to discover that Ali McGraw’s character is quite the wicked witch. That didn’t stop me from bawling like a baby at the end, though.
6. Returning to my butt situation, I forgot how much fun it is to slide down the stairs on my keester. You get a nice massage out of it, too.
7. Shopping on the internet ain’t so bad and, contrary to popular belief, during the holiday season Amazon does NOT change the pricing of individual items three times a day. They only do it twice.
8. UPDATE 8/5/2012: The original content of item # 8 has been replaced with a photo of a poster I found in the window of a hair salon in Kirkland, Washington. Is it just me, or does the male model look suspiciously like Taylor Lautner? It's totally freaking me out.
Is that you, Taylor?
9. There are a lot of funny videos on the web. Here is a hilarious bit with Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt. If you ever think you’re too old or too accomplished to be embarrassed by your mother, think again!
I'm having trouble getting my giggle on because I'm ready to lose my mind. We're in the middle of refinishing our hardwood floors, which means the kitchen and laundry room are off limits.
When it comes to the kitchen, it’s not that bad. It’s kind of nice not having to cook. For dinner we just order carryout or have a pop tart tapas bar. But the laundry? It’s just killing me. No washer or dryer for
eleven days. To a mom, that’s hitting below the belt. How am I supposed to function?
Let me put it into perspective: Have you ever had your cell phone taken away for eleven days? Well, it’s nothing like that. It’s much worse. It’s like living in a perpetual snow storm without a shovel. All you can do is watch helplessly as the snow comes down, snowing you in. Except that laundry doesn’t
melt. It just starts to smell funky.
Yeah, that about sums it up.
You know the ancient Greek myth about Sisyphus, the evil king who was forced by the gods to continually roll a huge boulder up a steep hill, only to watch it roll back down right before he got to the top? That’s laundry. Sure, on occasion inspiration hits and I wash every stinking sock and t-shirt in the house but, as soon as bedtime hits, every family member’s clothes come off and fill the empty hampers. Sigh.
Doing laundry is a task that has no end, like constant homework without a summer break. Only homework makes you smarter. Laundry turns your mind to mush. Maybe that’s why I’m so weird.
Okay, I'll stop complaining. I’ve got other work to do. Instead of ending with a witty comment, I'll just show you a goofy commercial with Chinese stereotypes that everyone remembers from the Seventies. Just say 'ancient Chinese secret' and I'm sure your folks will groan!
So Mattel just came out with 'Tokidoki Barbie,' a pink-haired, tattooed incantation of the iconic doll. Many mothers are outraged, and I am one of them.
You heard me. This whole thing is just terrible! Since the 1950's we've counted on the Barbie franchise to not only uphold but glorify the 4 standard B's of beauty:
BLOND and BLUE EYES with BIG BOOBS.
And now look at what they've done! Girls are going to think there is more than one kind of way to be beautiful, and that's just wrong -- WRONG!
Don't even get me started on tattoos. We all know what getting one of those can lead to....
Wait, you don't?
Well, then let me enlighten you. Below is a little story I slapped together this morning while my youngest was eating his what-kind-of-a-mother-are-you crap cereal before he went to school.
For full effect, read along with a If You Give a Mouse a Cookie voice in your head. Here it goes:
IF YOU GIVE A TEEN A TATTOO
If you give a teen a tattoo...
She'll start to hang with the wrong crowd.
She'll start skipping social studies class and playing music way too loud.
Soon she will start drinking, then she'll move to hard core drugs.
She'll not only hang with losers but consort with evil thugs!
They'll tell her that they know a way to get her drugs for free.
They'll dress her like a skanky ho and let men play with her for a fee.
So don't give your teen a tattoo. Perhaps a Barbie Doll instead?
She might not be too happy, but at least she won't end up dead!
So now you've been warned:
TATTOOS LEAD TO PROSTITUTION.
Now go in peace, and don't even THINK of getting a tattoo. Do you hear me?
(Side note after someone reading this thought I was serious: I'm not serious. Still, if you do decide you want a tattoo, remember they are permanent. In the Eighties, I thought fingerless lace gloves would never go out of style and...you know. A Tweetie Bird tattoo on your ankle might not look so cool when you're 85 years old. Just sayin'.)