NEWSFLASH: I am going to hell and it’s the United States Post Office's fault.
That’s right I blame the mail. For years numerous organizations have been sending me heart-felt appeals for money and I've never given them a dime. Or should I say ‘returned’ the dimes they so thoughtfully sent to me with the simple request that I return it along with a check for $10 -- $25 --- $100? How sweet of them to give me a choice. Still, I blew them off and pocketed the dime. My criminal behavior doesn't end there, either.
A group of unknown churches began sending me me the most gloriously beautiful rosaries, crosses, and religious pendants you could buy from China for twenty-five cents or less. All they wanted in return was my cold hard cash. A noble request, indeed. I never sent them a penny. To my credit, I did hang onto the precious trinkets for a long time, though. Throwing away religiously inspired items, no matter how junky, automatically guarantees a first class ticket to Satan’s after-life retreat, no? Recently, however, in a rage-filled junk drawer cleanout frenzy, I pitched them all in the garbage.
The devil made me do it.
Last week I sealed my fate. I stole from young children. The (name withheld to protect the guilty) School not only sent me exquisite foil flower stickers, two note pads, a 2012 calendar, and a frameable Certificate of Appreciation, but also included an actual dream catcher. That’s right, one of those pleather-wrapped hoops with beads and feathers that are supposed to give people pleasant dreams. I have to admit, I was bowled over by their sweet, unsolicited and unwanted treasure trove of crap. And, to their credit, they understood that I might not want to send them money despite all of their hard work and expense. They wrote that, if I had to, I could just send them $5 to cover the expense of the gifts and call it a day.
See? I told you. I'm a cold-hearted bleep doomed to a terrible fate. Sure, I volunteer and donate money to charities I’ve heard of, but that just can’t make up for the countless number of free personalized address labels I have received over the years -- labels I've unscrupulously ripped from over-sized envelopes only to throw the accompanying solicitations away.
I do promise you this, though. If you ever receive solicitations like the ones above, I won’t judge you if don't send them money. You can even use the stickers and notepads. But if you throw away a rosary, I can't help you. ;)
Today was the day I was going to write a super cool post about life, love, and -- most importantly -- me. Instead, I woke up with a cold. Rather than bellying up to the keyboard, I spent the morning reading old magazines.
Then my day got worse.
Innocently picking up the August/September issue of Girls’ Life magazine (don’t ask), I flipped to page 81 so my ‘10 biggest (and peskiest) body questions’ could be answered. My eyes immediately leapt to the upper right-hand corner of the page, and I swear I heard the angels sing.
That’s right, Playtex was giving away yoga mats to ten lucky girls!
You can imagine my joy. I mean, who wouldn’t want a yoga mat prominently featuring the Playtex logo? They’re one of the largest tampon manufacturers in the world! Plus it would go so well with my Vagisil water bottle and Pamprin sports towel, too. I’d be the hit of the YMCA!
Sure, I know I’m not exactly a ‘girl.’ Still, last time I checked I had two X chromosomes, plus I really, REALLY wanted that mat. Hustling over to the computer, I flipped it on and clicked over to the website. Then…
I couldn’t find the giveaway anywhere. I guess I just got there too late. I’m not overly sad, though. Another giveaway will come soon. Until then, I'll just dream about Preparation H leotards and Monistat 3 sweat bands.
Earlier this month, something scary happened to me. I became the mother of a teenaged boy. That’s right, my oldest son turned 13 and I’m not prepared one bit. Sure, teenaged girls can be moody and all but boys? They’re INSANE. They’re also in great need of advice, so you might see a few more testosterone-infused posts around here. In fact, you might see one right now.
Yep, I’m starting off with a bang-- actually more like a roundhouse kick. Today’s subject is Chuck Norris. Why Chuck, you may ask? Well, first of all, he's a bad ass. Just check out the following facts:
FACT: Chuck Norris was Professional Middleweight Karate champion six years in a row. In his prime, he could jump over six guys standing side by side. That’s one guy for each championship year. Whoa.
FACT: Chuck Norris is a world class actor. Just look as his range of emotion:
Before starring in his own TV show, Walker,
Texas Ranger, he had 26 action films under his belt. My favorite line is from Code of Silence: “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.” Like I said, bad ass.
FACT: In what I would call a resounding victory, Chuck Norris beat Abraham Lincoln in the Epic Rap Battles of History #3. (This is where I would normally post a link. Unfortunately, the video contains a few ‘unsuitable’ words and, as a mom, I feel obligated to shield you….Oh, what the heck. If you want to see it, click here. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.)Despite the above accomplishments, however, what makes Chuck truly special -- and legendary -- are the Chuck Norris Facts that permeate the web. Many say these are pure mythology, just fun quips and sayings to make you laugh. That may be true but I still say this:
Don’t mess with Chuck Norris.
Anyway, I’ll end with my favorite top 20 facts. If you have any to add, just leave a comment!
Mom's Top 20 Favorite CHUCK NORRIS Facts
1. Before the boogie man goes to sleep at night, he looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
2. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the earth down.
3. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
4. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas at
5. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
6. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask for his three-hole punch.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t leave messages. He leaves warnings.
8. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways.
9. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
10. Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
11. Chuck Norris was born in a cabin that he built with his bare hands.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.
13. Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.
14. The term ‘cowboy’ is used because Chuck Norris is the only one qualified to be a ‘cowman.’
15. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
16. There’s no such thing as evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
17. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t foolish enough to attack him.
18. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
19. God said, “Let there be light.”Chuck Norris said, “Say, ‘please.’”
20. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
Thanks, Daily Haha for the funny spliet rock photo!Chuck Norris head shot.
I can’t say I remember exactly what I was doing at the time. I just knew I was home with three young kids and ready to tear my hair out. My oldest was in half-day kindergarten, but I still had two at home. One was only a few months old. I was tired and STRUNG OUT. The last thing I needed? My husband’s business trip. It was hard to run the house alone. But he was going, leaving the next day for a meeting at the Pentagon.
Cool for him, I thought to myself, but definitely not cool for me. If only something would happen so he wouldn’t have to go. That's when he called home from work.
“Is the TV on?” he asked.
“Of course,” I replied. Our family couldn’t function without its daily dose of ‘Blues Clues.’
“Turn it to a major network. A plane crashed into the World Trade Center.” He paused. “It’s bad.”
The rest of the day I watched in horror. I saw the second plane crash. I saw the first tower fall. I saw the second tower go next.
I saw, I saw, I saw.
My husband’s meeting at the Pentagon was cancelled. Didn’t I feel lucky.
Back in the day, I remember my social studies teacher saying, “If you ask your parents where they were when President Kennedy was shot, I bet they can tell you.” I think the same holds true for September 11th. Ask your parents where they were, what they were doing when the towers went down, and I bet they have an answer. They probably have stories, too.
Like the one about our college friend who had worked at the New York Stock Exchange at the time. When the first plane hit, he decided to make it an early day and head home. A few thousand other people had the same idea. As he was hustling to catch the ferry back to New Jersey he heard people behind him yell, “Run!” He did. When he finally looked behind him all he saw was a massive cloud of gray. No people. Just gray.
One of my husband’s old co-workers had a father who worked in the south tower, the second one to be hit but the first to go down. He said when the plane hit, security came around and told everyone to stay in their cubicles, announcing, “everything was under control.” Well as wonderful as that sounded, the father decided it was a great time to go down to the lobby and grab a quick cup of coffee. He went downstairs, bought a cup to go, then walked straight out of the building toward home.
In both stories they made it out alive. They were the fortunate ones. So many others weren’t so lucky. Those tales are harder to tell.
I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if my husband’s meeting had been a day earlier. Would he have made it, or would my kids have grown up without a father? I don’t like to dwell on it long. I’m just glad he’s here, safe and sound.
If only more stories had ended like that.
Photo courtesy of Wikipedia public domain.