It’s time for another installment of …
BACK IN THE DAY
Fashion: Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be  So I’ve got this problem and it’s really REALLY starting to bug me. Butt cracks. You heard me, butt cracks. I bet I see more crack on a daily basis than Dan the Drug Dealer. Why? I blame the fashion industry. For a few of years now we’ve been subjected to wearing those low slung jeans that let it all hang out –literally. And, yes, I said ‘we.’ Not only do I have to see a bunch of cute girls’ cracks when I sit on the bleachers at a basketball game, I have to bear the humiliation of knowing my own – much fatter – butt is also on display. Okay, okay – I know they make shirts longer these days. Most of the time things stay under wraps. But still, who among us can’t admit to an accidental showing of butt cleavage? I dare say no one!
So why DO we willing become slaves of fashion? I’m not the first to ask. The topic has been argued for years. But as the debate goes on, so does our apparent willingness to take whatever Vogue prescribes. Sigh.
So at this point you may be wondering, what did your mom wear ‘in the day’ that she’d rather not admit to now? She might not tell you, but I will. Cue the wavy lines on the screen as I flashback to my younger days….
Ahhh…those pants. Those wonderful, wonderful pants. They were light blue, with silhouettes of pink, purple and navy ponies all over them. Dare I say, they were groovy. I was only eight or so, but my love affair with fashion began when I got those pants. I realized how my clothing could express my identity, how what I wore announced to the world who I was. Now why I felt a pair of pony pants accomplished that is something I’ll reserve for a therapist, but I will tell you that when I wore them I felt fabulous. I was fabulous.
 But that was me, and I promised you some dirt on your mom. Are you ready? Here it is: knickers. Your heard me. No, I don’t mean the British term for undies. I mean those ridiculous cut-at-the-knee poofy pants that Thomas Jefferson wore while writing the Declaration of Independence. Well in the early 80s they made a minor comeback. Did I think they looked weird? Yes. Did I buy a pair? Of course! Who was I to question the fashion industry? Now here’s the really interesting part: when I searched for a stock photo of someone wearing a pair, I couldn’t find one. Not one! Smelling a conspiracy, I hunkered down and finally found some carefully hidden evidence to back my claim. Exhibit A: a Vintage 1980s McCalls Knickers Sewing Pattern. And they thought they could shield you from past horrors. Hah!
 Luckily, the fad didn’t last long and, let’s face it, your mom may be a decade older or younger than me, so she may not have worn them. But there were other, equally goofy trends to which she certainly fell victim. Like the time we all wore our over-sized sweatshirts inside out, or delved into neon. (I nearly burned out my eyeballs with that one.) We also had the Preppy phase with everyone running around in polo shirts, wide wale corduroys and sweaters tied around their necks like Superman capes. Ugh. Plus there was the "Flashdance" craze (leggings and leotards and legwarmers - oh my!) and the whole Madonna thing, too. (Anyone need a pair of lace gloves cut off at the fingers? I thought not. )
 Trust me, there’s plenty for us moms to be embarrassed about, and I haven’t even talked about hair yet. So if your mom ever gives you a goofy look when you debut the latest trend, just say, “Hey, mom? How many pairs of legwarmers did you own?” I guarantee she’ll pass judgment no more. That is, unless your butt crack is showing.
No more butt cracks… please!
Photo credits: Butt crack:
With spring break in full-swing for our family, I must say that - although I know kids need a break from school - I am greatly concerned about the education of our youth. As quoted in Mothers Greatly Concerned About the Education of Our Youth magazine, out of 189 countries, American girls rank 271st in math.* Feeling the call to action, I designed a simple math lesson with the hope of bridging this horrific gap.
Through the combination of MTV’s craptastic reality show “Jersey Shore” (kind of spring break/beach-themey) and carefully selected food products, I hope to capture your academic attention and, thereby, improve national math scores by .006%.
Anyway, without further ado, allow me to introduce:
MOM’s LESSON in ACADEMICS: featuring Math and the "Jersey Shore” Cast Pauly D
+ One bottle tobasco sauce
= Holiday Icon/All-Around Crab
HEAT MISER
. Ronnie
- Two Juice Boxes
=  I know, Ricky. It's concerning. 1999's Latin Pop Sensation
RICKY MARTIN
. JWOWW
- Two cantaloupes
+
One bear-skin rug
= Mankini sporting
BORAT
. Snooki
+ Four oranges
+ 2.5 inches
= One Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
OOMPA LOOMPA
And finally....
(warning: this one's tricky)  Shh! He's trying to read! Mike "The Situation"
x Fourteen Crumbled Cherry PopTarts
= calculating...
almost got it...
ZERO
Remember: Mike “the Situation” = 0
Therefore, multiplying him by anything still equals zero
So there you have it. By absorbing this information, you have raised your IQ by .014%. My job here is done. Now go ahead and play some mindless videogames or something.
* In the effort of esteem building I must confess that this fact is pure sensationalistic journalism and, therefore, blatantly untrue. Girls rank 270th.
First, I have to apologize. Spring break is coming up, and I’ve been packing instead of writing. Never fear, I’ve got you covered. An article in The Madre Herald grabbed my attention. After reading it, I had to share. Take a look:
The Madre Herald
WEDNESDAY, March 10th, 2010
High School Population Reeling After Popularite Discovery
AP, Atlanta – This past weekend, Shady Maple School District struck gold upon the recent discovery of something many considered a finite natural resource: popularite. Known to increase social status and enhance good looks, popularite was considered so valuable and hard-to-find, many teens went great lengths to get it. Now that’s no longer necessary.
“I was digging a hole in the backyard and just stumbled on it,” said Charlie Chinklbotz of his find - a chunk of popularite the size of a mini-van. “There’s enough for every student in town. Heck, enough for every student in the county! Some people told me I should sell it. I don’t need any now that I’m grown. But like most folks, I had some hard times in school, so I’m giving it away for free.”
Yes, that’s right - FOR FREE.
News of Mr. Chinklebotz’s generosity spread quickly, followed by cheers from local high school students. “No one needs to back stab or spread rumors anymore!” exclaimed junior, Missy Henderson. “I’m just glad I can relax and be myself now,” said fellow-classmate, Ryan Brown.
But not everyone was thrilled.
“I worked so hard to get my popularite,” confessed one teen girl, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s not fair that kids can just get it now.” She went on to describe one of many tireless battles she waged to obtain popularite. “Just last year, a new girl entered school right in the middle of the semester. I just knew she’d take some of my popularite without even having to do anything. I had to act fast.”
After a carefully crafted smear campaign, highlighted by a nasty rumor stating the girl slept with a Jimmy Kimmel photo under her pillow, she managed to not only cause undying embarrassment for the girl, but obtain of 1.5 ounces of popularite in the process.
“I always did what it took to keep my popularite – from giving girls the stink eye to flat out bullying and blackmail. No one could stand in my way.”
Now, it seems, no one cares anymore, and that just makes her mad. “Now that no one’s afraid of me anymore, I don’t have friends. It’s not fair.”
How sad.
Now that there’s enough popularite for everyone, this reporter wonders what will happen to the now unstable social structure of the student population. Will students begin treating each other better than before? Will teen angst becoming a thing of the past?
I, for one, hope so. 
Popularite in pure form.
Many say it looks like 'a plain old rock.'
Rock image:
 Ahhh… the Winter Olympics. It’s so hard to say ‘goodbye’. I mean, who will ever forget when Lindsey Vonn won gold in the ladies’ downhill and bawled like a baby, or when Evan Lysacek won gold in men’s figure skating…and also bawled like a baby? They were both such inspiring examples of how - through dedication, patience, and an intense schedule requiring you to ignore all family and friends - you can realize your dreams of scoring an endorsement deal.
It’s hard to ignore such tales of victory, which is probably why the media focused on those instead of the smaller stories I’ve managed to dig up. Now they’re not quite as impressive as Shaun White pumping out a Double McTwist 1260 on the half pipe, but they’re slightly entertaining. Who knows, you might learn a lesson from these stories, too. After all, my purpose is to not only inform, but to enlighten.
So let’s take a look back at:
The 2010 Winter Olympics Most Forgettable (and wholly untrue) Moments:
1. Disgruntled tattoo parlor owner and Canadian bobsled enthusiast, Henry Fitzwinkle, ‘accidentally’ misinterprets German’s 2-man bobsled team request for Olympic Rings, instead marking each athlete’s butt cheek with picture of Tinkerbell picking her nose.
2. In freak curling accident, member of Denmark’s women’s team disemboweled with broom handle. Sport officials consider switch to Colgate spinbrushes.
3. Angry and disillusioned after repeated attempts to drink newly opened bottles of Coke from vending machine, young male athlete (nationality unknown) pulls out modified Super Soaker in middle of Olympic Village, spraying unsuspecting snowball throwers with stinging ice pellets.
4. After snagging suit on downhill flag, US skier Bode Miller’s back seam splits, revealing Darth Vader Underoos. His momentary embarrassment turns to joy upon landing $37.5 million dollar endorsement deal with the underwear company. (You see. I wasn’t kidding about the whole endorsement thing earlier!)
5. Pride of Korea/Olympic darling, Kim Yu-Na, stuns figure-skating crowd at Exhibition Gala when performs Madonna’s 1984 hit, “Like a Virgin,” wearing white, see-through catsuit. No wait! That was Johnny Weir. Sorry.
6. At US speed skating slumber party, 42-time Olympic medalist, Apolo Ohno, slices chin on dare to remove soul patch with skating blade. After blood splatters all over his Dora the Explorer pajamas, Shani Davis refuses to join everyone in ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board.’
There are more stories out there, stories I’m sure touch people’s hearts, souls, and colons. Cherish them, my dears. Let them fill you with national pride. And, who knows? In four more years, maybe you’ll be living the dream and participating in the Olympics yourself? Or maybe you’ll just be like me, sitting on the couch watching TV with a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos on your lap. Either way, I’m sure those games will be remembered for years to come, too - unlike my post, which will be forgotten right about...now.
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